


i'm freefalling (and i need a fucking parachute)

by Fork64



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Depression, F/F, Marching Band nerds, Sad, alex plays the clarinet, high school is a bitch, i kind of hate trumpet players but it feels like it fits here, im sorry it gets pretty heavy later, she's like squidward, so is family, soccer too, trumpets are loud
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-09
Updated: 2018-11-11
Packaged: 2019-03-07 03:39:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 83,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13426008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fork64/pseuds/Fork64
Summary: Life kinda sucks. It just does. More so for some than others, but hey, we all do what we need to feel better, right?Or,the marching band story that I thought of in the shower one time.(This used to be called "Jazz or Classical?" but I hated that so I changed it lol sorry.)





	1. Has Hell Frozen Over?

**Thursday, September 12, 2017**

"I don't understand why you're freaking out so much about this test, Lex. It's the beginning of the year, and if you tank, you have the whole semester to fix it," Tobin said through FaceTime. They both have a Psych test tomorrow, except Alex has three textbooks sprawled out on her desk and Tobin is making a paper airplane out of the last page of the study guide.

"Because school is impo-what the fuck?" a loud thud from her window scared her. It sounded like a bird just flew into the glass. Alex opened the curtains and the window, fully expecting a dead animal to be lying in the grass below it, but found something that might actually have been more shocking.

"JJ?" Julie looked up at her with an anxious expression, absolutely drenched from the rain that poured down. Alex stood, frozen, trying to make sense of the situation.

"Too loud? Sorry."

"Wait, JJ as in Julie Johnston? What the hell is she doing at your house?" Tobin asked, confused.

"I'll call you back Tobs," Alex quickly shut off her phone and ran downstairs, grabbing and umbrella on the way. She fumbled with the lock on the side door from her kitchen in a rush to get outside. Julie was leaning up against her fence, bike, and other dark objects Alex couldn't quite make out in the night darkness next to her. Her head was tilted back as she stared at a squirrel in a tree above her, completely unabashed by the rain.

"Jesus fucking Christ Julie, get over here," Alex yanked her under the umbrella, almost reeling back at the cold skin of her forearm. "What the fuck, you're freezing! What the hell are you doing here?" They were quite close now, and Alex could see her face clearly. The skin around her left eye was red and puffy, like someone hit her. "What happened to your eye?" she asked, gentler this time. She reach up to touch it, but Julie flinched away.

"Not important. But I'm here 'cause I uh...I kinda need a place to stay," Julie chuckled nervously and scratched the back of her neck. Alex cocked her head slightly to the side. The Julie she always saw was confident, smiling and cracking jokes, making the room around her glow. This side to her was foreign, unheard of even. "Look, I understand if-"

"No, no, it's fine. You can sleep in my room if you need to, but like, what's going on?"

"Like I said, not important. But I was kinda hoping to just sleep in your pool house or something 'cause your parents can't know I'm here. Like, it's absolutely crucial nobody knows I'm here."

Alex opened her mouth to argue, but decided against it. "Fine, just get inside and I'll be back with some dry clothes," Julie flashed her that bright smile Alex was so used to and hugged her tightly.

"Thanks Alex," Julie clumsily grabbed her stuff and raced over to the little house in her backyard. Alex, now with more questions than answers, watched her go for a moment then went inside.

"Who's the girl who just ran into our pool house?" Alex's sister Jeri said, making her jump.

"No one, just a friend who needs a place to stay. Don't tell Mom and Dad."

"Why not?"

"I-I don't know. But she doesn't want them to know and she needs help, so please don't be a bitch and tell on us," Alex begged.

"Okay?" Jeri said, watching her sister scramble around the kitchen to make tea.

"Good. Now go to my room and get a pair of pajama pants, a t-shirt, and a towel. Please be quick," Alex gave her a little shove to get her going. Through the window, she saw Julie looking at herself in her phone camera and made a mental note to grab an ice pack too.

Jeri came back with the stuff she was supposed to plus Alex's phone, which she was extremely grateful for. Taking everything outside, she sprinted to the pool house and shut all the shutters so nobody could see through the glass panel wall that faced the house. Julie was sitting in front of the fireplace with a silver flip lighter, trying to light the bits of kindling that were left from the last Morgan family night.

"What the fuc-oh my god. I thought Chris was kidding when she said you're a child. Put this on your eye," she tossed her the ice pack, only to have it tossed back.

"I don't need it."

"Oh my god, you're impossible. Just shower, change, and drink this," Alex thrust the clothes into her arms. Julie scoffed playfully at her suddenly demanding attitude, but nonetheless went into the bathroom. Alex heard the shower turn on and Julie singing. She stopped for a moment and listened.

Alex didn't know Julie could sing. It was quite beautiful.

She collapsed over the back over the couch, letting her legs dangle over the side, and addressed the 37 texts she had recieved from Tobin in the last 15 minutes, the most recent being "What the fuck, why arent u responding???"

She didn't know how to respond, so Alex laid her phone out on the table and turned on the flat-screen.

Julie showered quickly and used her privacy to examen her eye more closely in the mirror. It was starting to turn purple. Maybe she should have swallowed her pride and taken the ice pack. Too late now though.

She plopped down next to Alex, rubbing her face in exhaustion.

"Tobin keeps texting me and asking what's going on. What do I tell her?"

"Just say I needed help with the math homework or some shit."

"We didn't have any math homework."

"She doesn't know that," Alex thought for a minute, then shrugged and texted Tobin the lie. It wasn't very convincing, but at least it was something. "Hey, I know we aren't the closest in the group, but I really appreciate this. Seriously."

"It's no problem. I felt kinda bad we weren't closer already, 'cause we have all that shit for school together, so I'm kinda glad you're here. I want to learn more about you," out of the corner of her eye, Alex saw Julie's bike and her other stuff leaning against the wall. "You brought your trumpet?"

"Of course. It's like my child. I can't just leave it."

Alex and Julie, along with most of their friends, are in the school's marching band. Alex plays the clarinet, which they all found to be very appropriate, seeing as how people who play the flute or clarinet are usually the "normal" people in band. They all love it. Before school, after school, during lunch, they can probably be found in the band room. Even hours after school ends, there are still going to be people straggling around.

"I thought your soccer ball was your child?" Alex said, recalling the many times she and Tobin had been caught playing pick-up games in the hallway outside the band room.

"I have that too," Julie pointed at her backpack.

"Oh," they sat in silence for a second, suddenly recognizing the void between them and how little they knew about each other. "Can I ask why you came to my house? Not to be rude or anything, but like, you're closer to so many of our other friends. Like, Christen's your neighbor, why didn't you go there?"

"Eh, Chris' parents worry too much about me. I thought if I showed up there with a black eye forming, they might actually call the police this time," Alex's eyes widened at the mention of the words "this time." Has this happened before? "Tobin lives too far away, Ali amd Ash are both probably together doing something I really don't want to interrupt, and the last time I slept at Kelley's, I woke up to her fucking bell in my face. She even pulled her tuning slide all the way out so it sounded awful. You live closer than her anyway, so I came here," Alex smirked. She remembers that day. It was the Fourth of July and Kelley had a whole hoard of girls sleep over at her house.

"To be fair, you did tell her you could play louder than her. You should've known she would take that as a personal challenge."

"I'm not wrong. I sit next to her everyday at band, and I fucking know I'm louder than her," Julie smirked and Alex rolled her eyes. She and Kelley have been locked in this unspoken competition since JJ moved here freshman year. They don't even think it's about who can be the very best trumpet player anymore, but more like being better than each other. They could both be last and second to last chair, but as long as they're the second to last, then they would be content. "You don't understand. The only time when clarinets are loud is when you're squeeking."

"But it's Kelley, and even if she's wrong and she knows she's wrong, she'll fight you on it."

"True."

^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^

They've been talking for upwards of about three hours now. They're conversation ranged anywhere from the soccer team to gay animals to marching band. Alex found out Julie wants to be on the National Team when she grows up and kick Canada's ass in a game because "any country that drinks milk from a bag deserves to lose", and Julie found out Alex maybe isn't as normal as she thought she was. When they could feel the subject dying off, one of them quickly introduced a new one. Their conversations were like those Jubilee videos where too polar opposites are forced to talk.

They were both laying down on the "U" shaped couch, Julie's head resting on Alex's stomach(not that Alex was complaining). She already decided a long time ago she wasn't going back to her house to sleep, both because she didn't feel like moving and because she was really enjoying her night with JJ. It was about one in the morning now. The Psych test from earlier was now a thing of the past that she hasn't thought about since she stepped inside the pool house.

"Jazz or classical?" Julie asked abruptly.

"What?"

"Do you like jazz or classical? I talk about this with Christen a lot, too."

"Okay, then classical. Duh."

"Oh, so you're one of those people."

"What do you mean 'those people'?" Julie laughed.

"It's just-you know, classical music is all like, rigid and methodical and conforms to this specific way of how things are supposed to be. I hear it and I think of fancy dinner parties and rich dudes drinking champagne no matter what song it is. I feel like I'm choking when we play it in band."

"But classical is so beautiful, and it just flows so nicely."

"Jazz is beautiful too! Just because you can't play it as background music for a nature documentary doesn't mean it's not beautiful."

"But it's just so...boisterous and-and-"

"Free?"

"I was actually going to say unpredictable."

"Okay, first of all, not all jazz is boisterous, but unpredictable is pretty accurate. But that's what we love about it. Improvisation is what keeps things fresh and moving, not just sticking to a single theme. Second of all, classical is so stiff, all tuxedos and dresses. Professional shit. You don't go to a concert hall and watch guys in tuxes bouncin' around, laughing while they play. It's all straight faces and concentration. Jazz is freeing. It's fun. I feel like I can breath when I'm playing," Alex grinned, enjoying the conversation. She could tell this was something Julie felt strongly about, and it wasn't just about music.

"But what if that's what I love about it?"

"What, you love that incessant need to be perfect? The strict constrictions?"

"Yeah, I do," Alex said quietly, closely observing her friend's reaction. Julie chuckled.

"You know you're a lot like Christen?"

"You know you're a lot like Tobin?"

"You know that's something Christen would say?"

"You know biting a stick of deodorant just to see what it tastes like is something Tobin would do?"

"You know keeping your textbooks in your band locker so you can study during lunch is something Christen would do?" Alex realized she was fighting someone that is either too stubborn or too ridiculous to step down, so she just tipped back her head and laughed.

"What about school? How do you feel about school?" Alex asked.

"School is...school is important, but not like, endgame important. Not even close. It's actually kind of a scary and traumatizing concept when you step back and think about it," Julie said. Her expression was blank and everything was just sort of spilling out of her mouth. Alex could tell these were her true opinions.

"What do you mean?"

"School is an institution that's basically designed to dominate and waste away someone's life for 18+ years. They say we're supposed to 'learn', but I don't see any real world application. I don't give a fuck about the Inferno from Divine Comedy, and when the hell am I ever going to need to know about calculus when I'm an adult? And yet, we're supposed stress over it and lose sleep over just so parents can log into a digital gradebook and see an 'A' next to a subject that most of us could give a shit about. It's like, I want to be an athlete and a musician when I grow up, but am I ever going to have to know how Hamlet ends to do that? Fuck no," Julie kept talking, but Alex zoned out a bit. She had honestly never though about it like that. She never stopped to think about what school actually is, or if she really cared about it to begin with. "Like, if I don't plan on using any of this in my life after school, why the fuck do I have to do all this shit for it?"

Alex opened and closed her mouth several times, looking for a response, but finally settled on, "How often do you think about this?"

"A lot. It's kinda hard for me to sleep sometimes, so there isn't really much to do except think."

"Oh...does it happen often?"

"Most school nights. I usually spend my study halls sleeping in the band room. Jill doesn't mind though," they both laughed a little.

"Maybe she'll start minding if you keep calling her Jill." JJ smirked. She shifted slightly and Alex could tell she was getting tired. "So uh, do you want to talk about what happened tonight?"

"What about tonight?"

"You know what I'm talking about," Julie exhaled heavily, letting her cheeks puff out a little.

"It's nothing, it's just like-my dad came home drunk as hell tonight. I was on the couch so I didn't have time to climb out the window in my room and sleep at Christen's. He asked me why the house was so dirty, and I told him to fuck off 'cause he's never home anyway, and then he punched me," Alex's next breath was shaky, but Julie was acting like it was nothing, which she just doesn't understand.

"S-So what happened next? Did he like, try to grab you?"

"Yeah, but he was so fucking drunk his motor skills were shot to hell. Pretty easy to get away," Julie shrugged. She tried to make the quiver in her breathing as quiet and subdued as possible, but Alex heard it.

"Okay, I don't get how you can just act like this is just another day. Like, I would be freaking the fuck out," Alex exclaimed. The blonde laying on top of her chuckled sadly and sighed.

"Look Alex, the fucked up reality is that this _is_ just another day. He does this a couple times a week, just comes home totally shitfaced and practically pissing beer. Well, wait no, I meant he's never like, gotton violent before, but he gets drunk a lot. Like if you've ever wonder why I'm so close to Christen, it's because always I spend the night at her house whenever he does this. It's kind of scary. He'd come home, break some shit, fall down a ton, then pass out somewhere on the floor. One time he shot bottles in our backyard with a pistol. And if he doesn't come home drunk, he doesn't come home at all. It's like couch surfing, but with bars and pubs. But tonight, Alex? I dunno, I feel like it might be the beginning to something horrible. And I'm fucking terrified," she sniffled and wiped a tear away from her face. Alex is about ready to cry too.

"What's your mom doing in all of this?" Alex felt bad asking, like she was prying into a life she barely knew three hours ago(probably because she was), but she was curious.

"Nothing. My mom is vacationing-or, wait, my bad-on a 'business trip' in Guadala-Bullshit in the great country of Who-The-Fuck-Cares. Sends back enough money to finance Dad's land version of a year-long booze cruise, and for me to pay the bills and live. I haven't seen her in, shit, it must be like five months," suddenly, Julie started to laugh. "I remember the last time she left for the airport she said she loved me. I told her to fuck off. Maybe this time she listened to me."

"Wow...look really, if you ever need a place to stay, I'll always be here. I know you have Chris too, but...you know," Julie gave her a watery smile.

"Yeah, I got it. Look Al, you don't have to feel all sorry for me and shit. Christen's parents have me over a lot and you guys are here too. I'm doin' fine, really."

"You sure?"

"100%," JJ winked and gave her the circle game sign, making them both snort laughing. Julie closed her eyes, about to slip away. "Wait, what about that Psych test you have tomorrow?" she slurred.

"Oh yeah. Whatever, I'll just wing it like Tobin is."

"What? The great Alex Morgan is winging a test? Has Hell frozen over?"

"Shut the fuck up, JJ."

 


	2. Fucking Terrified

**Friday, September 13, 2017**

Julie woke up at 5:30 in the morning. Slowly, she rose up from Alex's stomach, careful not to jostle her or wake her up. She felt kind of bad leaving her like that, so she left a note.

Her backpack on her back and her trumpet case balanced shakily in between her handlebars, she took off slowly through Alex's yard. The curtains to the living room were flashing different colors as if the TV was on and Julie wasn't sure if someone was up or not, so she made sure to be extra careful.

Once she was back at her house, JJ left her bike in the garage and climbed back into her room with the window to avoid her father. She packed some clothes, extra cash, and other essentials in her school bag, but made sure not to much. She also grabbed a sweatshirt because Chicago is chilly in the morning.

Right before Julie left again, she cracked open her bedroom door and searched for her father. It didn't take long. He was passed out in the kitchen, snoring so loudly it reminded her of a laundromat. She watched from the door of her first floor bedroom and debated with herself if she should throw something at him just to see what his drunk ass would do, but decided against it.

The streets were oddly quiet. The sun was already up, but nobody else was and Julie liked it. Peace wasn't something that was often found in her life.

She was walking to school. Doors open at 6:00 every morning, but the only ones there are the custodians. JJ told one of them that she needs something from her band locker to finish an assignment so they'll unlock the doors to the band room. She left another note for Alex in her locker and her trumpet and all her school shit inside her own.

Julie took a bus to the O'Hare airport and got a ticket to Seattle. The plane didn't leave for another half hour, so she checked her phone. There was a ton of worried messages from Christen and confused ones from Tobin, all from last night. Christen must have seen her dad come home because she was asking where she was. She thought about answering them, just to say she was fine and they didn't have to wonder where she was, but ultimately decided the note in Alex's locker was enough and fiddled with it until it ran out of battery. Christen is going to have a panic attack either way, so what's the difference?

"Running away from home?" the attendant asked with a raised eyebrow as her scanned her ticket. She chuckled tiredly.

"Just takin' a trip to see an old friend," he nodded and she hurried away into the tunnel. Julie found her seat and leaned up against the window, staring blankly at the strips painted along the runway, then slept for the entire four hours-something minutes of the plane ride. The same attendant as before woke her up.

Julie hailed a cab and told him murky directions to an apartment building she barely remembers from at least three years ago in strong hopes that she still lives there. After about forty five minutes, she thinks she got the right one. Crossing her fingers, Julie bypassed the whole "calling someone to be let in" by going in with an old lady. Now she was sure because she recognized a blue glass vase and an odd, abstract painting in the lobby.

Julie shook out her limbs in anticipation and nervously pressed the bell. Some shuffling went on inside before the door swung open.

"Julie? Julie Johnston? What the hell are you doing here?" JJ smiled.

"Good morning to you too, Hope."

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"Had a nice night, Morgan? Okay, who was this girl? And why did she-wait, did you fuck someone in our pool house last night? Ew, Alex!" Jeri stood over her with a blue Post-It note in her hand. Alex's eyes slowly fluttered open, squinting at the light that flooded in through the cracks of the shades.

"What?" confused, she glanced around the room, then remembered what happened last night, making her eyes shoot open. "Holy shit!" Alex swung over the back of the couch, suddenly fully awake and freaking the fuck out. "What time is it? Oh my god, I'm so screwed," she bolted out the door and would have slid straight into the pool if Jeri didn't catch her arm. She gripped her sister by the shoulders and looked her straight in the eyes.

"Okay, you need to calm down. It's 7:20, Dad already left for work and I told Mom you passed out over here while you were taking a walk last night. You're good," Jeri was slowly nodding in reassurance, and Alex absentmindedly did the same. "Alright, now what really happened last night?"

"Okay, okay, okay. My friend needed a place to stay for the night and I let her stay in our pool house. I stayed with her and we talked for a while and then I fell asleep," it was this moment when it dawned on Alex for the first time that JJ was gone. She swung around the door frame, looking for any trace of Julie, but was left with just the Post-It that Jeri found stuck to her forehead.

"Well why did she come here?"

"She had a thing at home."

"So you didn't fuck anyone in here?"

"No! Ew, Jeri, Jesus fucking Christ, why is that the first thing you think about when you see two people go in a room together?"

"Because teenagers are horny little demons who only think about sex. I thought you knew that," Alex glared at her and groaned in digust. She stormed out, but not before taking the note Julie left and shoving it in her pajama pants pocket.

Giving her mom a quick greeting, she got through her morning routine as quickly as possible. Her makeup probably looked like shit, but she didn't care. Her stuff was shoved haphazardly into her backpack and in the frenzy, she almost forgot her phone.

"What's the rush, Alex honey?" her mom called after her.

"I have to get the school early Mom and uh, talk to-to my, you know, my frickin' English teacher," Alex stammered in an attempt to come up with a suitable lie. She could just say she was just going to see her friends today, but then her mother would just start asking questions, which really annoy her this early in the morning. "Jeri, let's go! Hurry up! I'll be in the car," she yelled up the stairs as she flew out the front door.

Jeri came out a few minutes later and got in the drivers seat. Before she started the car, she said, "Okay, what the actual fuck is up with you?"

"Nothing, I just-"

"Almost fucked a girl in our pool house?"

"What? No! Just because we didn't fuck doesn't mean almost fucked! Just drive me to school," Alex pouted and crossed her arms. Jeri snickered.

"Whatever you say, little sis."

Alex ran into the band room immediately after getting to school. Their school was big on fine arts and athletics, which worked out great for Alex specifically because she was involved in both, but a lot of the other clubs and activities get kind of screwed over. They had spacious rooms for band, choir, and orchestra, and a big budget for it all. In the band room, there's a long hallway, one door feeding into the band room and the other coming out next to the main door. The walls were lined with instrument lockers of varying sizes. Alex's was a medium square shaped one that she kept everything in. It made sense because she actually didn't know where her real, school issued one was.

She went over to deposit her backpack in her locker, but stopped. Stuck to the bars on the inside was a blue Post-It. Written on the sticky side so Alex could see was **"Sorry. Don't have to worry about me. I'm fine. Be back soon-ish"**.

"Worry? Fine?" Alex whispers, barely audible. "What the fuck?" she turned around and scanned the room. "Becky! Hey, Becky, you seen JJ today?"

"Nope. She's probably just in jazz though," Becky pointed in the direction of the band room with a shrug. Alex peered through the narrow rectangular window at the jazz band rehearsing. Julie wasn't standing in the back row with the other trumpets in her usual spot next to Kelley.

"The fuck?" she turned around and went over to Julie's locker that she shared with Christen. JJ's trumpet, folders, and basically everything she would for school were locked up inside, which should logically mean that she's in the school, but Alex had a feeling that she wasn't.

"Happy Friday, bitches!" Kelley screamed, throwing her hands up in the air as she walked into the locker room. Tobin trailed behind with a soft smile, alto sax still strapped to her neck. She went straight to Alex.

"Hey, what the fuck?"

"What?"

"What the hell happened with JJ last night?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean there's no way in hell she just showed up at your house in the rain for help with her English homework."

"Well that's what happened so I don't know what to tell you."

"No it's not, because you said math last night," Tobin had a smug smirk on her face and Alex's mouth hung open.

"You tricked me."

"I know. That was the point," Tobin snorted.

"Can we just go to Psych now?"

"I don't understand why you won't tell me the truth about Jay," Tobin complained as she put away her saxophone.

"Because it's complicated."

"Oh my god, did you guys fuck?" Alex threw her hands up in the air.

"Why is that what everybody thinks of first?!"

"Because someone showing up at your house on a school night and throwing something at your window to avoid your parents, then you hanging up so abruptly after that sounds a lot like what happens right before a booty call," she explained as they walked across the school to Psychology. Tobin continued to interrogate her about it, and at this point Alex was seriously considering just saying they had sex.

By Alex's standards, her test went horrible. She didn't know the answers to six of the forty questions and had to logic her way out of it. Tobin was already gone because their teacher lets them leave once their done, but Alex was willing to bet she was just outside waiting for her. In a very daring moment(for her anyway), Alex turned it in and went into the hallway practically hyperventilating.

"Whoa, you okay there Lex?"

"I totally just screwed that test. Oh my god, my parents are going to kill me," Alex ran her hands through her hair in a fit of anxiety. Tobin laughed.

"What happened to studying until you memorized the textbook?"

"I didn't get to 'cause JJ showed up-and no, it's not because we fucked, you pervert," Tobin put up her hands in defence.

"Hey, I'm just bein' logical."

"Fuck your logic."

They made their way to the band room. Tobin immediately went to her locker for a soccer ball and cursed herself when she realized she took it home last night. Alex made a grand gesture of cheering since she wouldn't have to hear the constant tap of Tobin kicking it.

"Don't be so happy. I know Jules has one," she stuck her tongue out mockingly and began opening their friends' locker.

"You know their combo?"

"Of course. It's my girlfriend's locker, dumbass," Tobin swung open the doors and dug a ball out of the disorderly papers and clutter on Julie's side of the locker.

"What's all this?" there were a bunch of random trinkets scattered all over. They were all made out of newspaper or some other thin paper paper and some had various colored pipe cleaner and paper clips skicking out from the inside. Alex picked up one that looked vaguely like a helicopter.

"That's all the shit JJ makes during class when she's bored."

"But...she's _in class_. Don't here teachers ever say things about it?" Alex said, as if "in class" meant some sacred ground that nobody can disrespect. Tobin shrugged.

"Oh yeah. Usually they give up after about a month. Sometimes stubborn ones take two. These are actually really good, though. You should've seen the ones from freshman year. Jay's gotton really good at wrapping these pipe cleaner frame things with paper. I tried it once and it was hard as shit," Tobin said, clearly uninterested, as her eyeline bounced up and down while she juggled her stolen ball. Alex dismissed it and began looking through all of it. She liked learning about Julie. This almost-stranger who showed up at her house lives a completely different life than her, a life she couldn't even imagine for herself, and yet Alex was intrigued. "Why are you so interested in JJ all of a sudden? You guys barely talked before now."

"I dunno, we talked last night and I guess things changed," Alex confessed hesitantly, still twiddling with the helicopter and facing Julie and Christen's locker because she was too afraid of what Tobin is thinking.

"What do you mean 'things changed'?" Tobin stopped juggling and stared at her.

"I don't know," she whispered.

"Okay, so then what, do you like, _like_ JJ now?"

"I don't know," Alex tossed back the helicopter. "I'm gonna go get something from the vending machines," she left, and spent the last twenty minutes of the period walking around the school.

Her next class was band, her favorite. It always started the same way. Ashlyn was somewhere making as much noise as possible with her trombone, which just happens to be one of the loudest instruments in the band, with Ali chastising her next to her even though everybody knows she's never going to stop. Tobin, Allie, and Kelley were parading around playing "In The Mood" or "Careless Whisper" or some other jazzy-pep bandish song. Christen, Alex, and some of the other quieter ones hang out in the lockers to avoid the chaos. Julie bounces around between the latter two, but usually the first one because the randomness(which could really be better descibed as cluelessness) and disorder is her bread and butter. Class always started about five minutes after the bell and they warmed up quickly.

It was very reminiscent of middle school band, but as Tobin so often persists, it's different because they were seniors, which apparently is supposed to change things.

However with JJ's absence, people noticed the hole it left. Her friends didn't have their usual energy without her, and everybody could feel it. "Where's Julie?" Alyssa asked.

"Guess she's not here today," Becky shrugged. Christen's head jerked up from her phone and she stared at Becky with a seemingly terrifying expression.

"What?" she exclaimed. Alex watched curiously.

"Yeah, she wasn't in Spanish," Christen thought for a second, still with a terrified expression, then hastily texted someone who Alex could only assume was Julie.

"What's wrong?" Alex asked quietly, slightly afraid of the answer.

"Nothing. Rehearsal's starting now," Christen shooed them out of the lockers, staying back for a moment herself. Alex sat down in the first row with the other clarinets next to Ali. As rehearsal went on, Alex found herself looking back at the last row at the empty chair next to Kelley. She looked sad without her idiot-buddy today.

Right before she left, Alex saw Christen and Tobin talking, still with a worried face. She and Tobin made eye contact for the tiniest second, but immediately knew what they were talking about.

Alex felt kind of bad widthholding information from Christen, who was clearly freaking out about JJ, but didn't really know what to say since she herself doesn't know where their missing friend went this morning.

It didn't matter anyway though because halfway through study hall, Alex got a text from Christen to meet her in the auditorium during lunch and then proceded to spend the next forty minutes contemplating what she would say to her. Needless to say, Christen Press was scary as fuck when she was worried about someone.

"Okay look, I'm really hungry so this conversation needs to go kind of quick. What happened last night with you and Julie and where is she now?" Christen said immediately when she saw Alex walk into the auditorium.

"I-I honestly don't know where she went. I woke up this morning and she was gone. But um, she came to my house last night and asked to sleep in my pool house. We talked for about three and a half hours and then fell asleep on the couch," Christen's eye darted around the room in though.

"Wait, why didn't she go to my house?"

"'Cause she had a uh, you know a...black eye," Alex shrank away preemtively like that would somehow help her avoid Christen's next bout of panic.

"What the fuck?!"

"Julie said your parents worry too much about her already and she didn't want them to call the cops or something like that."

"Well we might anyway because _she's_ _fucking_ _missing!_ " Christen hissed angrily as she rubbed her temples and paced in a circle anxiously.

"Look she left a note if you want to read it," Alex fished out the Post-It from her locker and Christen snatched it out of her hand.

"'Be back soon-ish'? What the fuck does that mean?"

"I guess that she'll be back soon-ish," Alex shrugged and turned to leave, but a question had been nagging her since the beginning of band. "Hey, how did you know that something was wrong today and JJ wasn't just sick or something?"

"If she was really sick she would have told me and-well I know she calls herself in 'sick' sometimes, but she only does that on Wednesdays when she doesn't miss rehearsal after school or soccer practices and it has to be a day when she doesn't have band or PE because she doesn't like making it up. She's kinda predictable like that," Christen gave her a half-hearted thank you and left, probably to go spill everything from this conversation to Tobin. Alex stayed for a moment, sitting down on one of the chairs and staring at the ghost light in the middle of the stage.

Even if she wasn't showing it much, she was scared. Scared for her friend and where she was, but also why she left and what's going on at home for her. Did she not feel safe here? Was she having some other crisis that she didn't confess to last night, even though they were both pretty much laying everything on the table?

Maybe scared wasn't the right word.

Alex was fucking terrified.

 


	3. Life Can Be Shit Sometimes

**Sunday September 15, 2017**

**Jelly Belly Johnston-Hallo someone needs to pick me up from O'Hare at 8:15 tonight. Terminal 6. Thx**

Julie shut off her phone again before a single reply could be made. It was already difficult enough to type the message when her phone was vibrating every two seconds and a banner pops up at the top to signify one of 268 texts she got over the weekend that the poor cell phone didn't know what to do with. Hope sat next to her on the couch, carefully watching her.

"So, do you want me to go back with you? You know, just to make sure none of your friends murder you in the airport," Hope smirked teasingly and shoved her shoulder gently. It was Sunday now and Julie's phone had been off since Friday morning. It was safe to say people were probably pissed.

"No, they wouldn't make a scene in a public place. It's when we get in the car that the katanas and the nunchucks come out."

"Yeah, we wouldn't want this getting any worse, do we?" Hope grabbed her forehead and moved her head around to inspect her eye once more. Julie rolled her eyes and swatted her hand away. "Still really purple, but it's fading a little bit."

"Fuck, Hope, what am I going to tell them?" Julie rubbed her face in exhaustion and groaned quietly, throwing her head back on the couch.

"Why don't you just say you got hit with a soccer ball? I mean, 'cause you've been training with the Reign for the past two days."

"I can't do that."

"Why not?"

"Because they don't know I know you."

"Why not?"

"Because they don't know about Carli."

"Why not? I thought they were your friends."

"They are, it's just-I don't want them to know, you know? I just want to be normal. I mean, no, not normal just...a person without a really shitty past, and if I can't be that, then I at least want people to think I am. Just like, my own little game, even if it's only for a couple hours a day. It's easier that way, y'know?" Julie mumbled. Hope slid a little closer and wrapped her arms around her. She was never the warmest person, but she tried her best for Julie.

"I know, it sucks. Life can be shit sometimes."

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"Are you sure we're in the right terminal?"

"Yeah Kel, I can fucking read. Terminal 6," Christen snapped. Tobin consoled her slowly panicking girlfriend and Alex silently stared at the escalators where JJ would be coming from.

"Come on, come on," Alex murmured, anxiously bouncing her leg. Suddenly, Tobin yelled her name and they were all running to Julie, practically tackling her in the middle of the airport.

JJ was wrong. They would make a scene in a public place.

After the initial excitement, Christen started smacking her on the head. "What the fuck, Julie?" JJ slipped out of her grasp and stepped a few feet away with her arms up defensively. They all suddenly got quiet and stared at her eye.

" _Oh,_ _shit_ ," she muttered, glancing up at the ceiling for help from God or a flying squid alien, it really didn't matter.

"What happened to-" Tobin said, seemingly startled to her core by the first bruise she had ever seen on someone from something other than soccer. On her friend nevertheless.

"I fell."

"On a fist?" Kelley exclaimed incredulously. Julie's eyes shifted, if only for a milisecond, at Alex, then back at Kelley, but everyone caught it.

"Okay, you all remember that episode of How i Met You Mother when Marshal called in that 'no questions asked' thing? I'm gonna do that. Right now. Everyone good? Great," Julie pushed through them and began walking to the exit. The four who were left were so shocked they just stood there, gazing at an empty space. It took them a moment to come to their senses and start chasing after her. JJ was already in the backseat of Tobin's car when they got there. Everyone crawled in silently and Tobin began driving them home. They were halfway there when someone said something again. It was Kelley.

She snatched the Reign beanie off Julie's head. "You didn't have this before."

"Give it back Kel," JJ made a move for it, but Kelley leaned away with it held in her other hand, squishing Alex into the door. She was quite uncomfortable, staring at the floor with her hands folded in her lap and just letting it happen. For a second, Alex looked up and caught Julie's eye for a moment. She looked like she needed help, practically pleading without saying anything, but Alex didn't move.

"Where'd you get it?"

"I found it."

"You just happened to find a beanie of you're favorite soccer team? You went to Seattle, didn't you? Went to a Reign game?"

"Come on, Kelley."

"No! We were worried about you for three days and we deserve some fucking answers. Why the fuck do you have a black eye? Who hit you?" Kelley shouted, the last part quite softer. The whole car felt like it stopped for a second. The silence was screaming.

"I-It's-" Julie was never one to choke under pressure, but she just didn't know what to say.

"Kelley, just give her the beanie. We can talk about it tomorrow," Alex interjected. Julie gave her a small, but grateful, smile.

"Fine. But you better not skip out on us," Kelley thrust the hat into her hands and gave her a pointed look. Instead of responding, JJ just stared out the window at the highway lights.

A few minutes later, she got two texts simultaneously. One was from Hope, asking her if she found her friends alright and if she was okay. The other was from Alex.

**Squidward-Do you want to spend the night in my pool house again?**

Julie glanced at Alex sitting on the other side of Kelley. They made brief, but meaningful eye contact. Then they smiled.

**Deodorant Biter-Could I? I really dont wanna go home**

They looked at each other again and nodded in affirmation. Tobin watched in the rear window mirror. "The fuck?" she mouthed to herself.

Christen and Julie got dropped off after Alex. Christen pulled her into the shadowy patch of grass in between their houses. "Did your dad do this?" she gripped JJ's head in a similar way Hope did to examen it.

"No."

"Don't you fucking dare lie to me."

"Oh, come on. I think you already know the answer, don't you?" Christen let go and sighed.

"Shit, Jay, what were you thinking?" Julie chuckled souring.

"Jesus, Chris, you know I wasn't thinking when I left. That's always how it goes. I mean, well, no-this is different from all the other stupid shit I've done when I wasn't thinking. I freaked out and I had to get away, okay? Wouldn't you freak out if your alkie dad came home one day and sucker punched you in the face?"

"Well, yeah, just, you know, not the same way you would," Julie nodded and gave her a closed mouth smile, starting to walk away.

"I know, because Perfect Pressy always thinks before she does and she always stops herself if she's thinking about doing something dumb..." Julie keeps on rambling about all of Christen's admirable qualities until she's climbed back in her bedroom window. Straight away, she threw her backpack on her bed and picked a wooden bat, inching around her house to make sure her father wasn't home. "Oh fuck," she groaned and flopped onto her bed, staring at the WNT poster she had on her wall. She had one of the team every year since 2010. This year was especially important though. Hope was on it.

After about 20 minutes, she left again. This time to Alex's.

"I'm tired," Julie said immediately upon entering the pool house. Alex was already there, sitting on the couch with her phone.

"I'm sure the flight from Seattle was draining," Julie leaned back over the couch, flopping clumsily so she was laying upside down with her legs dangling. She smirked.

"How do you know I went to Seattle? I could've gone to-"

"Your ticket fell out of your backpack when Christen was, uh, beating you. I slid it under a trash can and I don't think anyone saw it. That and we all know you didn't have that beanie before you left," JJ stared up at her, her lips slightly parted in disbelief.

"Don't tell anyone. Please."

"Why not?"

"Because it's just...it's a pretty shit story why I went to Seattle and I don't wanna talk about it. Ever," Alex nodded, kind of disappointed when she realized this was Julie's blunt way of saying _"Please_ , _don't_ _ask_ _me_ _about_ _it."_  She wasn't surprised though. She doubted Julie would base where she ran off to solely on her favorite NWSL team.

"Okay. That's okay. That's...actually really unhealthy."

"I know."

"Then why don't you want to talk about it?"

"Because having a soccer game the next day doesn't stop me from eating a pint of icecream," Alex scoffed and shook her head at the analogy she had a feeling wasn't a joke.

"It should."

"But it _doesn't_ ," the edge in her voice made Alex realize she was coming on a little too strong.

"Alright, fine. Well then what'd you do? In Seattle, I mean," Julie subconsciously smiled, staring off into space.

"I went to some jazz clubs and I met this amazing trumpet player who gave me some great tips. And I actually did go to a Reign game. They beat Orlando," she teased, knowing Orlando was who Alex was rooting for. Alex rolled her eyes playfully.

"I know. If I knew you were there I would've looked for you on TV," Julie felt herself smile at this, both because Alex Morgan would want to look for her on TV and knowing she wouldn't see her in the crowd because she was sitting on the bench with the team. Hope didn't trust her enough to "be in the stands alone and unleashed".

"Highly doubt you would be looking for me while you were screaming at the TV since Orlando was losing so bad."

"Shut up."

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**Tuesday, September 17, 2017**

It took Kelley two days to wreck it all. "What the fuck?!"

"Kelley, can you at least pretend like you care if I hear you?" Ms.Ellis yelled from her office in the corner. It was lunch, and as usual they were eating in the band room. Yesterday, they all bombarded JJ with questions, ranging anywhere from "Where did you go?" to "What happened to your eye?" Most of her answers were lies.

"Sorry!" Kelley shouted back sheepishly, already motioning for all her friends to gather round to see something on her phone. She had the Seattle Reign's twitter pulled up. In one of the pictures from practice over the weekend, Julie was riding on Hope's back wearing a Reign training t-shirt with wide grin on her face, black eye extremely visible in the photo. Their body language and the way they were interacting made it very clear they already knew each other for a long time.

Julie felt a smile pull at the edges of her mouth before forcing herself to keep a stright face for her friends, almost frowning. "You told us you went to Arizona to visit family!" Tobin exclaimed.

"Fuck that! You know Hope Solo? Why didn't you tell us, you asshole?" Kelley yelled. Ellis poked her head out the door, but shook her head and went back to her work(three years with Kelley O'Hara has obviously taken a toll on her). Julie granced around at all her friends faces, but Alex stuck out. She looked hurt Julie lied to her last night. "Well?"

"Must've slipped my mind."

"Bullshit!"

"You only care because you think she's hot!" Julie shot back.

"Hell yeah I do! That's how I know this is bullshit. Why didn't you mention it one of the fifty times I told you I think she's hot?"

"Because I didn't want to?"

"Why the hell not?"

"Because she's just a friend from Arizona. It's not really anything special," Julie shrugged. They continued to bicker and most of their friends had returned to whatever they were doing before. Only Alex wasn't there. Julie abruptly cut it off and ran out of the band room in search of her. Finally, she found her in the auditorium in the same chair she sat in after she told Christen what happened the first night.

Without saying anything, JJ hopped over the back of the chair next to her and sat down, putting her feet up on the row in front of her.

Alex knows she doesn't really have a right to be this mad. After all, wasn't she just like them? A friend who Julie told a little lie to protect whatever secrets she has buried down that are slowly starting to be dug up.

But it felt like more. At least, Alex felt like it was more.

"I'm sorry I lied to you," Julie whispered, glancing at her. Alex just kept on staring at the ghost light, but when she finally turned, she saw regret.

"I know."

"There's just some things I wanted to keep in the dark. Like, shit that Christen doesn't even know about, but if you and I are just being honest about anything and everything, I'll tell you if you really wanna know," Alex swallowed, feeling the tears slowly build up in her eyes. She felt so honored Julie would trust her with her secrets, but she also knew it was unfair to do that, to make her rehash things that she obviously worked so hard to never see the light of day.

"No, no, don't do that. I don't want you to feel like you have to just because you feel bad about telling me virtually the same lie you told everyone else. Tell me when you want to. Or at the very least, not in the school auditorium," Alex said. Julie nodded, both relief and joy that Alex was being so cool about this.

Neither wanted to go back to the band room yet, so they just sat there in a comfortable silence. And somehow, their hands became intertwined.

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**Thursday, September 19, 2017**

"Son of a bitch," Julie muttered, slamming her laptop closed. The front door had been very forcefully closed and something, which she was assuming was a chair, went crashing to the ground. She sent the beer mug emoji to Christen followed by a question mark which had grown into her way of saying _my dad is deunk again, can I stay at your house?_

Even though she's been doing this for about three years now, she still felt awkward about walking into a house that's not her own without an invitation even though the Presses have told her multiple times she could.

Three minutes later, Christen replied with a thumbs up and Julie climbed out the window with all of her school stuff and a change of clothes for tomorrow. The back door was always open for her and she said a quick hello to Channing who was watching TV on the couch before heading upstairs to Christen's room.

"Hey Jay."

"Hello!" Tobin screamed from FaceTime. Christen quickly ended the call and climbed onto the bed next to JJ.

"Do you ever wonder if there's some kind of semi-anthropomorphic deity who controls all of our lives, and he just fucking hates you for some reason?"

"You mean God?"

"No I mean like-what if we all had one who was like, assigned to us and mine just really hates me? Like all of our lives is like the Sims and there's someone else controlling us," Christen blinked several times and glanced over and her.

"Look at me," Christen awkwardly grabbed the side of her head and forced JJ to look at her. She looked deepy in her eyes, like she was looking for something.

"What?"

"Just making sure you're not high," Julie scoffed and smacked her hand away. Christen laughed. "No, but really, what's up with you?"

"When I was out in Seattle, I started thinking about...stuff."

"What kind of stuff?"

"Really, really, horrible stuff. Stuff from right before I moved here-or I guess it would be the reason _why_ I moved here. And I started thinking, like, what if my life is supposed to be-"

"Wait, wait, wait. One crisis at a time. Tell me about this 'stuff' first," Julie sighed. She glanced over at Christen, who looked genuinely concerned. And not the concern from when someone gets hurt or sick. Real, authentic concern.

And for a moment she felt loved, something she really only felt from one person. But that person hasn't been around for a long time. She missed it.

Julie decided in that moment Christen deserved to know. She probably should have told her a long time ago after taking care of her for all these years, but she just couldn't get the courage to talk about it. Alex was right. It is unhealthy.

"The Christmas before I moved here, my family went through something...tragic," _come on Johnston, you fucking coward_. "There was an car accident, and someone really close to me died. I was on the phone with her while it happened. There was a crash, and a lot of screaming. This drunk guy was coming out of a gas station and just...smashed her car. Full speed," Julie stopped for a moment, just to breathe. She sat up, her knees hugged close to her chest. "She died in the hospital the next day. And pretty much right after that, my parents started being...you know, fucking assholes. Dad drank a lot more and Mom starting going on her 'business trips'. Like have you ever seen the movie Stand By Me? It's a lot like that, except instead of Gordie's parents completely shutting down after Denny died, they turned into even shittier people than they were before. I always thought it was kinda funny in like, a really really shitty, fucked up way that my dad is an alchoholic 'cause alcohol was the thing that killed her. It started slow, but when we got here, he just...fuck, I don't even know," tears slowly started to leak from her eyes. She wasn't crying quite as much as she though she would be, but the night is still young.

Christen immediately grabbed a box of tissues from her nightstand and placed it in front of them. She'd already moved so she could be there(as in physically there) for Julie, but emotionally, she didn't know what to say. So Christen just sat there and let her sob into her shoulder for as long as she needed. She could tell JJ has never actually told this to anyone.

It was kind of heartbreaking. Not the disaster itself that is currently making Julie cry, but the fact that she didn't feel like she could talk about it. Christen felt like she failed in a weird, foreign way.

"Who died?" Christen tried to say it as nicely as possible, but it still came out very bluntly. She felt like Kelley a little bit.

"My sister."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hallo. So if you havent seen the movie Stand By Me, the brother of one of the main characters died and his parents like shut down because the brother was the favorite son and they dont like him for some reason. I watched that movie last month and i fucking loved it. Some of this story is actually inspired by it


	4. What's A Clumbfuck?

**Friday,** **September 27, 2017**

"Wait, but I still don't understand why you bit the deodorant," Alex laughed when a crumbled up ball of notebook paper hit her in the forehead. Julie was laying across from her, their legs next to each others under the same fuzzy blanket. It was the third time Julie had come over, but the first she didn't have a big reason to. It was just because she wanted to, which made Alex immensely happy inside, but wouldn't ever say anything about it.

"I told you, it was because we wanted to know what it tasted like! We saw a video on Instagram, and we were like, 'It can't taste that bad.' But it does. It tastes really, _really_ bad," JJ giggled. Alex smiled uncontrollably, deciding to prod further.

"Hold on, why couldn't you just be like, 'It can't taste that bad' and then let it go? Why did you have to actually taste it? And how do I know this 'friend' of yours actually exists and you didn't just do it alone like a weirdo?" Julie wiggled her eyebrows and smirk mischievously, then did something with her phone for a couple seconds.

"Here's a video."

And for the next three minutes, Alex watched a 20 second video on repeat from five years ago of twelve year old Julie biting a stick of deodorant and then almost throwing up. For a split second at the end, a girl's face who Alex didn't recognize flashed on screen. Alex was curious.

"Who's that?"

"Who's who?"

"That girl at the end."

"That's...a friend."

"What's her name?"

"Friend of Julie," Alex gave her an exasperated look. Julie imitated her with a suppressed grin.

"Why won't you tell me?"

"Because it's not important."

"If it's not important then why won't you tell me?"

"If it's not important than why do I have to tell you?"

"Because I want to know."

"But what if I don't want to tell you?" Alex glared at her, and Julie smirked and wiggled her eyebrows mockingly.

"You're like those dipshits who stole the PA mic and played American Idiot to the whole school when Trump was elected, and then trolled everybody with those posters. You know, the ones with the his head photoshopped on the album cover," Julie's smirk grew into a wistful smile, gazing off into space. She sighed, and began to laugh.

"Yeah...about that..." JJ cracked when Alex's mouth dropped to the floor.

"You didn't."

"I might've."

"But you don't even like Green Day! Green Day is Tobin's favorite...band. Oh, goddamn it," Alex buried her face in her hands, which just made Julie laugh more.

"And Kelley's," she managed to say between her gasps. Julie explained how they took it, which was basically a combination of extensive planning and perfect timing(and some very lucky coincidences). It was a day when there was a middle school field trip so there was about fifty sixth graders packed in the offices already, and then the front desk secretary went to refill her coffee mug, and then one of the sixth graders got claustrophobic and vomited in a trash can, which meant the nurse had to rush in so Julie and Tobin had an exit and didn't need to be buzzed out. Kelley was in the basement underneath the auditorium stage lining a cabinet in a storage closet with foam padding to reduce echo and sound proof it so it would be harder to find. A tiny bluetooth speaker that was paired to Tobin's phone played the song after a prerecorded message distorted with a Snapchat filter. They all use their study halls to hang out in the lockers, so nobody noticed they were gone. Tobin cut off the song after the fifth repeat. The three of them came up with it while they watched the election the previous night, on text, of course, so Christen or Alex doesn't find out and try to stop them. The next day, they came in and taped the posters all over before school.

Alex had no words. "Does Christen know?"

"Oh, fuck no, and you better not tell her. I told her it was Peter West, and she'll be pissed as hell if she finds out it was us," Alex shook her head disapprovingly, but was still smiling.

"Okay, now tell me a story."

"What? I just told you a story!"

"No, you talked about being a dumbass with Tobin and Kelley for four minutes. Tell me a real story."

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**Saturday, June 18, 2014**

" _Jesus Channing, you couldn't have found a clean shirt before we left?"_

_"Shut up! I forgot!"_

_"Go home and find a new one!" Christen stood awkwardly in between her sisters as they bickered on the porch of their new neighbors. She held a plate of brownies that her parents sent with them and already felt embarrassed even if they haven't even met anyone yet. Meeting new people isn't her strong point and Channing and Tyler weren't helping._

_"Oh my god, no! This'll take literally two minutes," Christen pulled Channing back onto the porch and rang the doorbell a little harder than she meant to. Heavy footsteps thundered up to the door and it swung open, revealing an unkempt man with a suspicious stain on his shirt. He set down a beer bottle on a table next to the door and it spun around for a moment before settling down. Channing jumped and Christen slipped her arm around her shoulders. Her grip tightened when the man opened his mouth._

_"I don't want your Girl-Scout cookies."_

_"N-No, we're your new neighbors," Tyler said, looking at him with unnaturally wide and fearful eyes that he didn't seem the notice. The man groaned._

_"Ugh. Julie! Door!" the man stumbled away with his beer A few seconds later, a young blonde girl rushed down the stairs mumbling curse words to herself. She spotted them on the landing which made her go faster and nearly slipped on the last couple steps but caught herself on the railing. The girl ran out the door to greet them, hastily closing it behind her._

_"Hi! Uh, I'm Julie and-wait, I'm sorry, but who are you?" she offered a bright smile and Christen felt more at ease and she could tell Tyler and Channing did too. They introduced themselves, and then Channing and Tyler quickly left, practically fleeing to the safety of their home next door no doubt to tell their parents what just happened. Christen stayed and sat on the stoop with her._

_"I'm really sorry, you just caught us at a really bad time. My dad's never gotten this drunk at...1:30 in the afternoon. Goddamn it," Julie rubbed her face, exasperated. Christen chuckled._

_"I-I don't mean to-I'm sorry. It's just something I do when I'm nervous-and-and I'm not nervous! It's just-" Julie tipped back her head and laughed._

_"Oh, you're one of those people. It's okay. I know a father getting drunk in the middle of the day isn't normal. I've made my peace with it. Kind of."_

_"How old are you?"_

_"Fourteen. I'll be a freshman at the local highschool."_

_"Really? Me too."_

_"I wanna play soccer and be in the marching band. I just hope their music programs aren't shit."_

_"Me too!" Christen said, more enthusiastically than she normally would have. She wanted to make new friends like Julie. Her best friend Tobin had been acting weird toward her recently and she didn't know what was happening. "I mean, I don't play soccer, my friends do, but I'm going to play the flute for the marching band. And don't worry, they're great. Hey, do you want to hang out with us tomorrow?"_

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**Friday, September 27, 2017**

"And that's how I met Christen," Alex stared and her, wide eyed, and lips slightly parted in disbelief.

"What? He was drunk in the middle of the day and _that's_ how you met Christen? Aren't you embarrassed?" Julie snorted.

"That's not even remotely close to the most embarrassing thing he's ever done when he was drunk. Remember that time our sophmore year when that guy stormed the field in the middle of a game and stole the ball? That was my dad," Julie shook her head and took a sip from her Coke. "I don't even think he knew I was there. He probably just wanted to play soccer and thought this was the easiest way to get a ball."

"Is that why Chris was acting so weird? And-wait, I don't remember _you_  acting weird."

"That's because I was pretending like I was dehydrated so I could distance myself as much as possible from the situation. Didn't want anyone to know that drunk dickhead was my dad," Julie sighed and shrugged, tilting her head back and staring at the ceiling, but Alex knew that trick. She used it pretty often.

That's how to hide the tears.

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**Monday, September 30, 2017**

Tobin and Alex were sitting in the band room and doing homework while Julie and Kelley went to get dinner for them before soccer practice.

"Alex, I have a question."

"No, I will not do your calc homework for you."

"That's not what I-wait, why not? You love calc and-okay, no. I was going to ask what's happening with you and JJ," Alex froze, her pencil stopping mid-word. "You okay?"

"Yeah, just, nothing's going on."

"Oh, bull-fucking-shit! There is no possible way that's true."

"Why not?"

"Because no one spends that much time together alone without anything happening."

"Again, why not? And plus, she's straight."

"Okay, first of all, you don't have to be gay to date a girl. Second of all, she's bi, and you're...something that is definitely not straight," Alex slowly closed her eyes and remained still for a moment when the realized that of the collective eight hours they have spent talking, sexualities had never came up.

"Alright, well that still doesn't mean something is happening. We're just friends," Tobin nodded and texted a group chat that she was putting her bet in for the two weeks after Thanksgiving, tipping her phone so Alex couldn't see. After she was done, Tobin just sort of stared blankly at Alex, like she was thinking. "What?"

"Nothing, it's just, I've never pictured you and Jay together, in any capacity. You're just too...different, I guess."

"What do you mean?"

"You know what I'm talking about-she's...an adventurer. A free spirit. Does what she wants, when she wants, however she wants to do it and doesn't give a fuck what anybody thinks of it," Tobin said. She pointed at Alex. "You're a planner. Everything you do has a purpose. You never do anything just because like she does. As a seventeen year old girl in a boring town in Illinois, JJ has stories that she's going to tell her kids someday and they're gonna be like 'Holy shit my mom's fucking awesome.' The most daring thing you've ever done is ask to go to the bathroom, but really just text Serv in the hallway while you were still dating," Alex shoved her gently in the shoulder, but just enough to make Tobin sway a little bit. "You know it's true. JJ's freefalling, and you're slowly floating to the ground and thinking about the death rate of skydivers. You guys are on opposite sides of the spectrum," Tobin's monologue ended as she finished doing her calc homework. Alex had began doing her English homework again about halfway through, but found herself not being able to concentrate. "I can definately see you guys together though."

"What do you mean?" Alex asked, but pretending like she doesn't care.

"You're both really into soccer and music, and you're really competitive. Sometimes," Alex chuckled to herself, because she knew exactly what Tobin was talking about. Julie is competitive when she's playing against a friend or otherwise a person who she would care about losing to. But if it was just a game in PE or something, she will literally stand still and watch from the middle of the court. Alex remembers a time from freshman year when she was running up and down the field during a PE soccer game and putting in her best effort, while Julie stood on the sideline talking with someone from the other team.

"What about you and Christen? You're both complete opposites."

"Yeah, but that's different. Chris and I have known each other since first grade. You barely talked to JJ before two weeks ago. It's just kinda weird to think about," Tobin shrugged. Alex tried to finish her homework before practice, but her mind was now occupied.

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**Sunday, September 15, 2017**

_"You ever do that before?"_

_"Do what before?"_

_"Just get up and leave. Take a random trip without telling anyone," Julie chuckled._

_"Yeah, a couple times. Whenever Chris' family goes on a vacation, I always go somewhere too. The first and third time I went back to Arizona, and the second time I went to New York and stayed with my aunt. They always ask if I want to go with, but I never do. I will admit though that this one was a little extreme, and a helluva lot less planned out than the other ones."_

_"Why don't you just stay home and relax?"_

_"Because...I dunno, that's boring. I want to get up and go on an adventure. I want to get out of this grey heap and live life and just because I'm still a minor isn't going to stop me from doing it," Julie shrugged and showed her pictures of all the stuff she did, but all Alex was thinking is "Wow. I could never do that."_

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 **Monday,** **September 30, 2017**

Julie Johnston is an infuriating human being sometimes. Alex caught her texting someone right before practice started, and again during a water break, but got waved off like she did about the deodorant friend thing. The second time, Julie got called over by Coach to talk about something and left her phone on the bleachers, and Alex just happened to read the text that popped up next. It wasn't much of a text anyway. They were playing GamePigeon 8-ball. Or they were, because the next one that she got was **"HA! Suck my nonexistent dick Johnston"** The contact for this person was Clumbfuck, whatever that is.

"You readin' my texts now, Morgan?" Alex jumped a little and tried to act natural, or about as natural as someone who just got caught lurking can be.

"What's a clumbfuck?"

"It's a combination of the words 'clumsy' and 'dumbfuck'. I thought 'clumsy dumbfuck' was too long of a thing, so now it's 'Clumbfuck'," Julie murmured as she texted them back with two middle finger emojis.

"Okay, I guess what I meant was who's Clumbfuck?" JJ chuckled.

"Nobody."

"Is it the same person as the deodorant friend?"

"Nobody."

"What?"

"Nobody."

"That doesn't make any sense!"

"Nobody."

"Why is-"

"Water break over! Time for a scrimmage!" Coach yelled. Julie sprang up and flashed her a victorious smile.

"They're nobody Alex. Really," she said, and then ran off to join the midfield, which Coach wants her to play in the game on Friday instead of defence for some reason.

"Alex! Let's go!" Coach snapped her out of her stunned trance and she scrambled to get into position. Tobin was staring at her with raised eyebrows and a skeptical expression.

As she passed her, Tobin said, "Still saying nothing's going on?"

"Fuck off, Tobin."

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**Thursday, October 3, 2017**

If she was being completely honest, Alex knew what she was doing was kind of(very) creepy, but she didn't care.

Alex was currently laying on her bed, scouring Instagram to find the account that the video from last Friday was on. She didn't remember exactly what the username was, but she remembered the picture was of the Cookie Monster eating a red macaroon, so that's was she was looking for. She didn't even know who this person was, but they obviously knew Julie enough to post that video.

It took her about 25 minutes, and some last minute excitement when Alex saw the finsta it was on wasn't private. From the bio, she saw that it was being run by some people named Morgan, Zach, and, oddly enough, Julie. Alex thought it weird because she's never mentioned it or these people before.

The account goes back years, between random videos of them and pictures with rant captions or ridiculous memes that they deemed worthy to put on their finsta. The faces peppered around were new and she didn't recognize anybody following them either.

How did JJ manage to keep this entire life a secret from them?

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**Friday, September 27, 2017**

_"Was your dad always like that?"_

_"Like what?"_

_"A...you know, a..." Alex stuttered, finding herself too timid to say the blunt reality._

_"A drunk? No, he actually used to never drink in front of my family, but that got tossed out real fast."_

_"What happened?" Alex asked gently. She felt like a therapist. A really, really bad therapist._

_"Things changed. Times changed. He adapted," Julie shrugged, trying desperately to look anywhere but Alex and hoping she won't start the asking tough questions._

_"Then what were things like before it changed? What was your childhood like?"_

_"Hmm..." JJ continued to make the sound and swayed back and forth while she thought of a way to answer. "Okay. Ish."_

_"Specify?"_

_"Specifics are for me to know and you to forget about."_

_"How can I forget about something I never knew in the first place?" Alex argued._

_"Good, you're already there!" Julie exclaimed with a fake enthusiam. She can tell this conversation was going in a negative direction._

_"Why are you always so vague about everything?"_

_"Because I don't want to be rude and say I don't want to tell you. Or, well, too late now, I guess. And we always talk about me. Why don't you tell me more about you?"_

_"Because I'm boring. Now stop dodging my questions." Alex snapped. Julie hopped up and over the back of the couch._

_"You know what? I'm kinda tired. I think I'm going to head home now," Alex watched speechlessly as her friend grabbed her bike and left. She wanted to call for her to come back so she could apologize, but knew it wouldn't be of any use. She stepped over a line with a hundred warning signs leading up to it that she blatantly ignored, and now she's gonna pay for it._

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**Thursday, October 3, 2017**

Alex still felt bad about that moment, and she could _feel_ the damage it inflicted on their relationship. There was a stigma separating them now, and she hated it.

She hoped she could find a way to reconcile soon, but didn't quite know how. Maybe tomorrow at the annual party before their first soccer game on Saturday.

Parties are a good time to do that sort of thing, right?

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im kinda tired rn and i have a math test tmrw and i dont even remember what its on rip  
> Hope you like it. Idk how many chapters this is going to take, but its not gonna be one of those super long ones with 200,000 words by the end bc im too lazy for that shit. I have a couple different ideas for how this could go. One is a happy ending(kind of), and the other is sorta sad but it leads into another story. Give me thoughts if you want


	5. Play Me A Song

**Friday, October 4, 2017**

Alex was lying on the ground. It wasn't even that she was hurt after being tackled full-force at the end of practice, she was just tired. Tobin stood over her, just sort of staring.

"You alright Alex?" Alex nodded blankly, gazing at the barely lit clouds in the dark sky.

She's had a pretty shit day. This morning during band, her reed broke and it kept squeeking all through rehearsal. She forgot about a math quiz and completely fucked it, and then choked up during a presentation for English. And now, while she laid on the ground, there was a pebble poking at her back. It wasn't much, but right now anything can set her off.

"Morgan! Are you hurt?" Coach yelled from the sidelines, and Alex knew she had to get up now. Taking the hand of Tobin, she hoisted herself up and shook out all her body parts. From across the field, Julie was watching with a concerned face. Alex acknowledged it with a half-hearted thumbs up and played the rest of the scrimmage with a nagging feeling of irritability.

"Hope you're not this grouchy for the rest of the night, Al," Kelley slid up next to her while she untied her cleats in the locker room. Kelley was hosting the party this year because her house was the biggest. That meant 26 girls(counting Christen who Tobin will undoubtedly sneak in at some point) all sleeping in the same basement for the night, and knowing Kelley, there was bound to be something else planned. Alex sighed, but said nothing. "Oh come on. It'll be fun, I promise. My parents agreed to leave for the night, and it's not too cold to throw someone in the pool, right?"

"God, Kelley, you better fucking not."

"Not you! I was thinking Rose or Mal. And maybe Sonnett too, just because," Alex gently shoved her with her shoulder and let a tiny smile poke out.

"Stop picking on the freshmen, Kell," she glanced down the aisle at the only freshmen on the team, both of which still seemed quite afraid of everyone on the team.

"Sonnett's not a freshman!"

"Still." Kelley groaned and leaned her head on Alex's shoulder.

"Ugh, fine. But really, try to be more happy. Please? For me? I hate seeing Moody Alex," she begged with a face she thinks is cute. Alex rolled her eyes and playfully pushed her off.

"Fine, but-"

"No! No 'buts'. Just smiles," Kelley ran away before Alex could argue. She shook her head, but by now had accepted the fact that for the most part, Kelley gets her way and there wasn't much that could stop her.

A half hour later, Alex showed up at Kelley's house. She knew the front door would be unlocked because of Kelley's notorious reputation for choosing laziness over safety, but wasn't expecting the scene she would find in the basement.

Tobin and Kelley were jumping around the furniture with toy lightsabers and Darth Vader masks. Julie was on the couch, unfazed by the chaos around her, playing Fifa with a balloon animal hat on her head and some kind of white powder sprinkled in her hair and the back of her t-shirt. Some stuff she knew used to be on the shelves and tables had been knocked over.

"What the fuck?" Tobin snapped her head in her direction and Kelley used this opportunity to smack her on the side of the head. Tobin tumbled off the coffee table and landed with a thud on the carpet.

"Hi Alex," Julie said monotonously, still deeply entrenched in her video game.

"Should I ask?"

"I wouldn't," Alex scanned the room one more time before shrugging and throwing her stuff into the pile in the corner. Tobin's sax and Julie's trumpet were there too. "You guys brought your instruments?"

"Yeah. If things get boring, we can just play some music. Problem solved," Tobin said, still on the floor.

"And what's in your hair?" Alex took the balloon hat from JJ and tried to wipe off as much of the powder as possible with her hand.

"Uh...I don't know. I think it's flour, but it kind of smells like powdered milk...or maybe cocaine. I dunno, I asked Kelley when she threw it at me, and she said I have to taste it to find out, but there's no way I'm puting it in my mouth, so...," Alex spun around and looked at Kelley expectently, but got nothing except for a devious smirk in return. The four tried to clean up as much of the war-zone looking basement as possible, but it was mostly Alex since the others didn't seem to care.

Over the next half hour, the rest of the team started to slowly spill in. Pretty soon, the basement was packed and music was blasting on the speakers. When everyone was there, the group moved up to the living room and kitchen to they could order pizza. Right after Alex hung up, Kelley snuck up behind her.

"Captain Morgan for ya, captain Morgan?" Kelley held up a bottle of Captain Morgan rum.

"Are you fucking serious Kell?"

"Oh come on, gimme a little credit. I wouldn't drink when there's little kids around. And Mal and Rose too, I guess," Kelley spun around to place it back in the unlocked liquor cabinet, but Alex caught her take a quick swig first out of the corner of her eye.

"Really Kell?!"

"Hey, I'm letting all of you animals wreck my house tonight, I deserve a little something," the hostess(reluctantly) put the bottle back and slammed the cabinet door shut. "Happy?"

"Very. And stop calling me captain Morgan, I'm not the captain."

"Maybe not, but you're more responsible than both of our captains. Combined," they glanced at JJ and Tobin playing Just Dance wearing drunk goggles. Nobody really knows where or how Julie got a pair, let alone two, but they're fun to play with, so no one ever questions it.

They were the only two of the seniors who had skipped over the freshmen and JV team, the first in nine years, and pretty much guarenteed the captains' spots from day one, just like Rose and Mal are. Alex was jealous for a little while, but stopped once she saw how little time they had to do homework. Their grades took a small hit, not that either of them cared that much, but Alex knew she wouldn't be able to deal.

"Surprised Ash isn't with them."

"I think she went home to help her brother with something, but I heard Tobs tell her to grab her trombone, so we're probably going to end up playing sometime tonight."

"Don't act so upset, Kell. You're probably gonna start it," Kelley scoffed.

"Probably? I'm fucking planning on it, Al."

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Story Time was a tradition the team had for getting to know the new members. And every year, everyone tries to get the newbies as embarassed as possible and then they find out that's how they get ultimately accepted by the team. Except Julie, because somehow she doesn't get embarassed, or if she does she's extremely good at hiding it(an ability Alex envies to no end). Cruel? Maybe, but life-alteringly tramatic? No, so the tradition carries on.

At the moment Mal was sitting in the hot seat. And JJ had the perfect story. "And she fell and crashed into me. Hard. Like, music flew everywhere and the stand I was holding almost broke. Mal was fucking terrified that she she just knocked over a senior on the first day of rehearsal, and you guys should've seen her face, it was priceless. I was laughing, but she like, ran away from me everytime she saw me. And then the next week, she came to summer practice and was _absolutely mortified_ when she found out I was one of the captains. Wait, hold on, I got a picture of her reaction," Julie pulled out her phone and found the picture she took right when she walked onto the field the first day of practice because she knew before hand Mal was going to be there. Christen, who had come in after the football game they were all exempt from tonight, dissaproved, to say the least.

"Stop tormenting my freshman, Jay," Christen demanded, slinging her arm around Mal's shoulders. They both played flute for the band, and she felt protective because she's the section leader.

"Hey, this is a soccer party. She's _my_ freshman tonight."

"Jules, don't objectify her like that. You can't own people anymore in America, remember?" Alex piped up. Julie looked at her with slotted eyes.

"But I'm not! Freshmen aren't people!" she exclaimed, eliciting some giggles from the team. Tobin felt like now was a good time to intervene.

"Okay! Grab your shit we're gonna play some music now," she clapped her hands to get everyone's attention. A lot of them cheered. Alex sighed.

She liked that her friends enjoyed performing for them, and that they liked the music because really, they actually are all amazing musicians. But right now, Alex just didn't feel like listening to Sir Duke and In The Mood on repeat.

Around 10:30, Alex saw Julie check her phone while Tobin played the intro to Take Five. She made a face, which was a mix of horror and surprise, then quickly excused herself and ran out. She was still holding her trumpet though, which Alex thought was weird, but didn't think anything of it.

Fifteen minutes later, Julie still hadn't come back. Christen noticed too, but Alex made the signal that she would go and went to look for her, which was quite difficult because Kelley's house was huge. Finally, Alex stumbled upon the only door that wasn't open on the top floor, recognizing it as the room Kelley's dad sound-proofed for her to practice in because trumpets are loud.

She knocked. No answer. Slowly, she opened the door and found JJ sitting on a chair in front of an empty music stand, hugging her trumpet close to her chest. Her face is in deep concentration, which Alex had actually never seen before.

"You okay? What's going on?" Julie shook her head solemnly with an empty laugh.

"It's...nevermind."

"No," Alex whined. She pulled up a chair and sat next to her. "Talk to me. What's going on?"

"It's really nothing."

"It's obviously not nothing if you're freaking out about it this much," Julie shook her head again and shoved her phone in Alex's hands. A conversation between her and whoever Clumbfuck is was pulled up.

**Clumbfuck-Hey, school is being shut down for a while bc of a fumigation thing and zach and i wanna visit an do all that tourist shit. Mind if we stay at ur house?**

"So what? Just say no if you don't want them there," Julie shook her head again.

"No, I'm going to say yes...but they don't know about my parents, and I feel like I have to tell them because they're still like, my best friends, but it's like, hard, y'know? And I dunno, maybe I'll chicken out and say no because of the possibility that my dad'll come home while they're here. But I have to tell them, somehow, and it's scary. Really, really fucking scary," she tipped back her chair and leaned against the wall, rubbing ner face. "And...ugh. I dunno. Fuck it's just-it's nerve racking," slowly, Alex scooted a little closer until the edges of their chair touched.

"Play me a song."

"What?"

"I know playing and performing relaxes you. So play me a song," Julie smiled happily and leaned over to pick out a mute from the shelf next to them.

"Okay. It's not perfect, but Kelley and I have been working on it for a while."

But it was perfect. At least, Alex thought it was perfect. The vibrato was impressive and she could tell Julie had been working on it. Her tone was beautiful, and it just _sounded_ amazing, but her voice was the real showstopper.

 

_"Hold me close and hold me fast_

_This magic spell you cast_

_This is la vie en rose_

_When you kiss me, heaven sighs_

_And though I close my eyes_

_I see la vie en rose_

_When you press me to your heart_

_I'm in a world apart_

_A world where roses bloom_

_And when you speak angels_

_sing from above_

_Everyday words seem_

_to turn into love songs_

_Give your heart and soul to me_

_And life will always be_

_La vie en rose"_

 

It was the song from the first night Julie stayed in her pool house. The one she sang in the shower.

Julie sighed and began rambling. "I'm sorry, that was awful. My valves are sticking and I was sharp and then I was flat and-"

"No, no, no! That was great. Better than great. That was...breathtaking. I'm dissapointed there isn't more," Julie seemed to relax at that. Her smile grew, which made Alex's smile grow.

"Actually there is, but I just haven't gotten that part down yet. Kelley and I are actually writing a new part because you can't really sing during a solo audition, but I always liked the lyrics."

"I do too," Alex said. "Feel better?"

"So much better," she stood up with the bright Julie Johnston aura that everyone is familiar with and put Kelley's mute back on the shelf. She offered a grandiose hand to Alex and her pulled her up.

"Wait! Before we go, I just wanted to apologize for the thing last Friday. I was being pushy and an asshole and it's been bothing me so-"

"Jesus Alex, why you always so panicky? Everyone makes mistakes. Don't worry about it," Julie winked and practically skipped out of the room.

Alex stood there in a hazy trance, not quite sure what just happened, but happy that it did.

As stealthy as possible, they snuck back down just in time to catch the opening credits of Moana. "Kelley, the amount of times you're seen this movie is comical," Julie stole some popcorn from her co-captain's lap and sat next to Christen on the floor. Alex squeezed onto the corner of the couch next to Ash.

"As host, I reserve the right to pick," Kelley said dismissively, eyes already glued to the screen.

"Everything all right?" Christen whispered. Julie grinned.

"Everything is perfect."

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**Saturday, October 5, 2017**

It was nine in the morning, but given the time they all went to sleep, Alex considered this to be pretty early. Getting to the stairs without stepping on anyone was a challenge though. For a terrifying second, she thought she hurt someone and a pang of panic rang through her body, but it was just Tobin. She could live with it if it was Tobin.

"Shit Chris, you beat me up here," Alex said once she saw Christen was already in the kitchen. Three boxes of pancake mix Kelley bought the day before were on the island along with eggs and milk.

"Well you know what they say-the early bird gets the worm."

"Oh my god, please don't. You sound like a dad from a sitcom," Alex tiredly stumbled over to help her make breakfast. Christen scoffed and flicked a drop of batter on her cheek. "Um, Chris?"

"Yeah?"

"You ever notice anything about JJ? Like she's kinda-"

"Weird? Different? Secretive? Unusual? Infuriatingly reckless?"

"Wow, you came up with those fast," Alex mumbled. Christen shrugged.

"I've spent years trying to understand how she works and gotten literally nowhere. If I were you, I'd quit now and just go with it."

"But it's like...I dunno how to describe it."

"Like she operates in whole different plane? I know. You ever notice how she never talks about her childhood or anything before she moved here? And did you know she can play the drums even though she doesn't own a drum kit? And she can read the Wingdings font, which is an absolutely useless talent by the way. And have you seen her grades?"

"No, why?"

"They're pretty shit," Alex was surprised. Christen is usually an optimist and doesn't say things so negative.

"Okay, so she's not good at school. What's wrong with that?"

"That she could be. JJ's smart, but chooses not to try in school. Instead of spending time doing homework, she spends half her time practicing or playing soccer in her backyard or her basement or something. You ever wonder how she gets so many youth team call-ups? This is why. She sacrifices school to do something she considers to be worth her while, which is something the rest of you can't do because you all have parents who would flip their shit if you tried doing that."

"Then how is she taking so many honors and AP classes?"

"Because her teachers recognize that she knows the material and understands all of it, just doesn't put in the effort to turn things in that she thinks is stupid. Which is the part _I_ think is stupid, but of course she doesn't care about that because she's, you know, _her_. And-"Christen cut her rant short and took a deep breath. "The point is, you look into her life and you only get more questions, so what I'm telling you is that you shouldn't. Sometimes unanswered questions are okay to have, especially with her."

"How do you know about all of this?" Christen chuckled.

"You gotta watch, Alex. And don't get sucked into the adventure of JJ's life. Trust me, she needs help, and I can't be the only one to give it to her."

"CP! Quick, put down that egg!" Kelley raced towards them and practically slapped it out of her hand, making it fall and crack on the floor.

"What the hell, Kelley?" Christen shouted. Tobin walked lazily behind her from the door to the basement and gave her a quick peck on the cheek.

"Morning beautiful."

"Chris! You're not even on the team, how can I let you make us breakfast?"

"Because if you do it, this whole kitchen is going to be covered in pancake mix and milk."

"Maybe, but I still can't let you cook. It's against the O'Hara rules. Now get out. I hereby banish you from this kitchen!" Kelley gave her a gentle shove in the direction of the living room. However, she took a detour when she saw her best friend sitting outside on a swing on the patio.

"Jay? What are you doing out here?" Julie sighed. She traced the edges of the boards beneath her bare feet.

"How'd you know you liked Tobin?" Christen was taken back.

"Uh, I-I-It's complicated, you know?" Christen stammered, sort of surprised. "I just started to get really happy whenever we were together and...I dunno, she made me feel special. Still does. Why do you ask?" there was a pause. Julie kicked at a rock next to her foot, deep in thought.

"'Cause I...I think I might like Alex."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That song was La Vie En Rose by Louis Armstrong and i fucking love it. Its one of the reasons jj plays the trumpet here.


	6. I Think I'll Do That Keg Stand

**Saturday, October 5, 2017**

The night went from so fun to so not fun so fast it's not even funny.

They won the game. Julie scored her first high school brace, an unusual experience for her since she was normally on defence, but exhilarating nonetheless. Alex scored too, but was slightly overshadowed since as a striker, she had one of the highest high school records in the area. She didn't mind though. During any other day, she kind of felt like Julie was holding back, like the person they saw wasn't who she truly was, despite her already extroverted nature. But on the field, she pulls out all the stops. She was free.

She even gave a halfway decent pre-game speech that she thought she would screw up and was seriously considering Kelley's idea of giving the Independence Day speech.

Then Tobin and Kelley felt like going to a party to celebrate. A party that Julie was left(purposefully) unaware of because they didn't want her to pull out before they got to have fun, which she totally would have if she knew.

And now she was sitting in a car with her four best friends and some others, none of which seem to notice that she really didn't want to be there. Well, Alex did, mostly because she didn't want to there either, but sort of did at the same time. She was never a party kind of person, but right now, Alex would be willing to do a keg stand to get rid of her stress. And she did. But that comes later.

"Do you guys hate me? I feel like you hate me," Julie muttered once they pulled up to Sydney Leroux's house.

"Oh, come on Jay. It'll be fun," Kelley said while she wrapped one arm around her neck. "F is for friends who-"

"Don't you fucking dare sing that song. I will murder your ass before you get the chance to get drunk."

"Jesus, lighten up JJ. You'll have fun, I promise. I'll make it my personal mission for tonight." Kelley said as they entered the house. Immediately, everyone went to grab a beer. Except Julie, because she doesn't drink.

For years, she's harbored a massive fear of alcohol. Not that she's afraid of drinking, but of what will happen if she does. Her family has a habit of drinking away problems, and becoming a life crippling alcoholic was definitely _not_ on her bucket list, so she tries to avoid it at all costs. Her friends respect that, even if most of them don't know the actual reason why she doesn't drink and just marks it up to personal preference. For most of the parties they drag her too, Julie was a Designated Driver, which turned out to save many of them on numerous occasions, and it almost got her arrested once, but that's a story for another time.

So then for the next hour or so, she watched everyone around her get shit faced. Kelley lost a game of beer pong, but won two rounds of Beerio Kart in a row. Two games that didn't help her current state. Christen and Tobin got lost in the crowd within the first 20 minutes and Alex had run off somewhere with Syd. When Sonnett showed up, she was gone too(probably to make out in a closet, and then act like nothing just haooened like the last three parties they've been to). Luckily, Julie found a girl named Crystal who was only a little drunk to talk to.

"You play soccer? That's so cool! I used to play, but I quit because I had too much shit to do. Sometimes I wish I hadn't, but I dunno, too late now I guess," Crystal said, shrugging.

"It's never too late. You just gotta get your ass up and if you want it enough, you'll get it. I thi-" a pause, and Julie sighed. "yeah, that's a good Pinterest worthy quote, right?" Julie said. Crystal giggled.

"Awww, are you having issues? Tell Ol' Crystal what's bothering you," she took another sip of her drink and smiled.

"You do realize I just met you like, six minutes ago, right?"

"Yeah, but I plan on getting _absolutely wasted_ tonight, and there's a good chance I won't even remember having this conversation. Plus we don't go to the same school, so even if I do we'll probably never meet again. Soooooooo...what's up?" Julie laughed a little and gazed down at her shoes. Her fingers tapped uncomfortably against her knee while she thought.

"There's this girl, and I think I'm starting to have feelings for her, but she's one of my best friends and I don't want to fuck up the friendship we have now. She's just-she's amazing, and she makes me happy in ways that none of my other friends do, but it's like...I can't, y'know? And it really fucking sucks that I can't because my life has been kinda shit for...ever, and right now, there's not actually that much that makes me happy as she does. She's special, and I don't even know what I did to have her in my life, but I'm so happy I did," Julie said. She looked over to Crystal, fully expecting her to be lost in the clusterfuck that is her love life, but she was just nodding her head patiently and sipping the beer she had been consistently drinking through her whole monologue.

"Damn. That's some Disney Channel shit right there. But first of all, who the fuck said you can't? You can do whatever the hell you want, and don't let morals or whatever get in your way. You're young and dumb and nobody's expecting you to be anything other than that. Second, who cares if she's your friend? My boyfriend used to be my best friend, and I'm so damn happy with him I can't even describe it in words. Third, you should go see someone 'cause some of the shit you just told me doesn't sound healthy," Crystal rambled loosely. Julie chose to ignore the last part, mostly because she already knew that, but the other stuff got her thinking.

"But what if I fuck it up?"

"If you like her enough, you can fuck up and not fuck _it_ up. Because, I mean fucking up is pretty inevitable, but if you're not a dumbass it won't blow everything else up. I think. But what do I know? I'm just a drunk girl you met at a party I can tell you didn't even want to go to. The only person who can really tell is you, so are you going to bitch out and be miserable or grow a pair and take out this obviously great girl?" Julie chuckled.

"You know for someone who's already had three beers, you're really smart."

"I know right? I should do this shit more often."

They kept talking for a while until Crystal's speech started to slur, so Julie helped her find her friends and Crystal wrote her number on her forearm because "putting it right in your phone is for hoes expecting a booty call" with instructions to text her tomorrow to find out if she remembers her. Across the room, Alex watched with an emotion that she would later accept as jealousy and did something she would deeply regret in about twelve hours.

"You know what, Syd? I think I'll do that keg stand."

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"Tobin?"

"Yeah?"

"What's up with Alex and JJ?" Christen asked. They were laying on a hammock in Syd's backyard and watching the chaos ensue inside.

"I dunno. They're getting really close now. I'm happy for them."

"That's not what I meant."

"I know. But their smart-ish people. They'll figure it out."

"Do they need help?" Christen asked. Tobin scoffed.

"Oh hell yeah. I saw Alex doing a keg stand earlier."

"And you didn't stop her?!"

"If I did, I'd be a hipocrite."

"And being a hipocrite is...okay, this is so not the point. Do you think they actually need help?"

"After that shit JJ pulled to get us together, I'm sure she's okay with this one."

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"Royal flush! I win!"

"Alex, we're playing BS!"

"What do you mean bull shit?! I'm showing you my cards right now!"

After three hours at this party, they were all tired, so they claimed a guest room as their own and played with the cards they found in the nightstand drawer. Alex was by far the drunkest person in the room, but Kelley was a close second, a loss she felt was incredibly insulting to her pride. Tobin found it hilarious while Christen disapproved even though she herself had a few. Julie was sort of concerned.

"Okay, I think I should take Alex home now. You guys crashing here?" Tobin nodded and lazily tossed her the keys to her car while trying to get Kelley to go to sleep.

"What? Where're we goin'?" Alex said.

"Home."

"Home? Where is that? I've never heard of a street called 'home'," she said, followed by uncontrollable giggles and nearly tripping while she walked down the stairs.

"Jesus fucking Christ Morgan, how much did you drink?" Julie mumbled. On the way out, she said bye to Crystal, who was still dancing with energy even though it was about one in the morning.

"Oh my god, are you stealing Tobin's car? Fuck yeah!" Alex screamed while clumsily smashing her fingers on the radio to find her favorite station. She gasped. "Oh! We should rob a bank next!" her driver sighed, which inevitably ended up in a low chuckle, and took out her phone, placing it in the cup holder and pointing it at Alex. "What're you doin'? Ooh, are you making a video?" She said, and then promptly began to sing.

They were about halfway to Alex's house. "Hey, I have something I wanna say," Alex abruptly stopped(incorrectly) reciting the Gettysburg Address and slammed her hands down on the glove department dramatically. "I really like you. Like a lot."

"What?" the car jerked as Julie's foot kicked the brake pedal in surprise.

"Yeah. And you know what would be awesome? If we made out. Like, right now," suddenly, Alex flung her upper body over the middle console and collided with Julie's shoulder. The car swerved on the empty road, and a few seconds later, blue and red lights flashed behind them.

"Son a fucking bitch goddamn motherfucker," Julie mumbled before turning her attention to the girl next to her. "Uh...shit. Act like you're sleeping," she pulled a blanket from the backseat and haphazardly draped it over Alex.

"What's ha-"

"Shhh!" a young officer walked up to her window and tapped the glass. Julie rolled it down, hoping Alex wouldn't give them away.

"License and proof of insurance please," Julie opened the glove department and took out a bunch of papers, one of which she hoped was the proof of insurance.

"Here," the officer inspected them for a minute.

"You don't own this car."

"No, I borrowed it from my cousin," he made a face like he didn't believe her, but didn't say anything.

"Wanna tell me what happened a couple minutes ago?"

"I spilled my Sprite and tried to avoid getting wet, so I swerved a little," she shook an empty can from the floor and thanked God for Tobin's infamously messy car.

"And why are you driving at 1:15 in the morning?"

"I had a soccer game tonight, but my cousin's car broke down so we had to wait a couple hours. My friend is really tired," she motioned to Alex. The officer nodded understandedly.

"So then when did you guys drink a case of beer?" Julie peered back at Alex, who somehow actually got to sleep, and realized she smelled like a brewery.

"Never?" she said cheekily. The officer laughed.

"Look, kid, I'm only twenty two, so I don't have a stick up my ass like some of the other cops out here, and I don't see a problem with wanting to drive home your drunk friend, but if you've been drinking too, that's a different issue," Julie sighed in relief and rested her head against the steering wheel for a moment.

"I haven't, I promise. Thank you so much, officer," he had her blow into a breathalyzer just in case, then smiled curtly and went back to his car. Julie looked to Alex.

"Oh, you lucky bitch."

Five minutes later they pulled up in front of Alex's house. Alex was still asleep and slightly drooling on the armrest. Julie had gotton out and was halfway to the passenger seat to help her out, but stopped. If she brought Alex in there, she would definitely get caught and Julie didn't want that, but there was only one alternative. Her house.

"This is gonna be a mistake," she mumbled to herself as she got in the car again with a nervous chuckle. When they got to her house, she parked in the garage and scoped out her house and was relieved to see her father hadn't come home that night.

"The fuck? Where am I?" Alex slurred when Julie woke her up.

"My house."

"What about your drunk daddy? Is he home?"

"Nope."

"Y'know I meant what I said. I really, really like you. Wanna make out?"

"You're liver is dying as we speak."

"You never answered my question."

"No, if you-" Alex lunged forward and kissed her. For a second, Julie kissed back. But just for a second.

"Whaaat?" Alex whined. "You don't liked me back?" Julie sighed as she lead her upstairs to the room that she used to have before she moved her stuff to the one she has now.

"I do. Fuck, I really do, but we can't do this. We're gonna ruin the good thing we have going, and you're so drunk right now. Even if we did get together, it can't be like this."

"You think I give a shit? Fucking french me."

"Oh god, you've been spending too much time with Kelley," she got Alex to lay down and almost immediately fell asleep again.

Downstairs in her room, Julie watched the video. It was about six minutes long, but she skipped right to the part where Alex said she liked her. She played it on repeat for a couple minutes, just for the smile that it gave her.

Then cut it out.

But still saved it as a new video, because she'll always need a little something to make her happy.

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**Saturday, October 6, 2017**

The lights were pissing Alex off. Her head was pounding and the lights coming from the window weren't helping, but at the same time didn't want to get up to do something about it, so she was just laying there, suffering. She didn't even know what time it was, or even what day it was.

Finally, she opened her eyes. On the bedside table next to her, there was a cup of water and a bottle of asprin, which she took as fast as possible. And a couple more.

It was about 11:30. But what was more alarming was that she had absolutely no idea where she was.

Hesitantly, she opened the door. The hallway kind of looked like Christen's house, but at the same time didn't. It felt kind of empty.

Downstairs, Alex heard an episode of The Office playing. It smelled like pancakes.

"Alex? You up?" it was Julie. She was so relieved she hadn't gotten roofied and ended up with some random guy from the party.

"JJ? Is this your house?"

"No, it's a really fancy hotel room in Kentucky," she said sarcastically. Alex rolled her eyes and sat down on the couch next to her, choosing not to comment on the lack of pictures or evidense that a family lives here. "What do you remember from last night?"

"I got to the party, did shots with Syd and a keg stand, and then everything is sort of blurry after that," she said. Julie's face fell for a second in disappointment, but quickly covered it up.

"Nothing else?"

"Nothing else," before Alex can say anything else, Julie jumped up and went into the kitchen.

"I made breakfast, but you didn't wake up so it's kinda cold," she put the plate in the microwave and leaned against the counter as she watched the timer count down.

A part of her wanted Alex to remember.

"So, where's all the pictures and stuff from your childhood?" Alex asked.

"Don't have any."

"Oh come on, you don't have anything of a happy baby Julie around here?"

"Not that I know of. I was never really that happy when I was with my parents. All my personal shit is in my room."

"Can I see it?"

"Nope," Julie brought back the plate and they both took a pancake.

"Why not?"

"Because my room is not suitable for the eyes of minors," she said with a smirk.

"I'm older than you."

"You're still a minor. And-wait, I have something to show you," Julie pulled up the video from last night and cast it onto the TV.

"You're not serious."

"Of course I am," and so for the next five minutes, they enjoyed their pancakes and watched Drunk Alex unapologetically embarrass herself(Alex actually didn't enjoy that part, but Julie did, so she didn't say anything that would get it turned off. She did complain a lot though).

"What was that cut right in the middle?"

"That was just when nothing was happening."

"You actually spent time editing this so it's just me being drunk?"

"What else am I supposed to do while your hungover ass sleeps?"

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**Toblerone Heathbar-im at ur house to pick up mah car**

**Jimmy Johns-im in the backyard**

A couple minutes later, Tobin walked into Julie's backyard wearing the same clothes she as last night. Julie was taking shot across the yard at a practice net and tossed her the keys that were sitting on the patio.

"Was Alex okay?"

"Yeah. I mean, she had a killer hangover, but she was alright by the time she went home. Was Kelley okay?"

"Oh god no. She was still sleeping when Chris and I left and Syd told me she's pissed that we're leaving her to deal with it. For someone who drinks more than all of us, she really can't hold her liquor," Tobin said. They stood around in an empty silence as they both took some shots. Tobin's kicks and movements were still a little sluggish from last night.

"She likes you, you know."

"Yeah, I got that."

"Do you like her?"

"Yep."

"You should ask her out."

"I don't think so."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't want to ruin what we have going."

"You're stupid."

"And I'm a coward."

"Grow a pair and ask her out."

"A drunk girl said that to me last night."

"She was right."

"I know."

"Ask her to Six Flags."

"I will."

"Good."

Tobin left. Julie's foot petered out as she was going up to kick another ball in the wake of the most bizarrely unemotional and monotone conversation ever.

Homecoming was in a couple weeks, and since they all went and hated it freshman year, they go to Six Flags instead. The thought did cross her mind to ask Alex to be her date, but now she has to because Tobin is going to incessantly bitch about it until she does it.

The realization just dawned on her about what she actually agreed to.

"Fuck."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi. I think I have a loose story line mapped out right now, but idk, it could change whenever. Im really trying not to be one those people who starts a story and never finishes it, so i think im going to try for one every week or two. 
> 
> I also changed the title bc i hate this one now lol whoops


	7. Don't Bullshit Me

**Tuesday, October 8, 2017**

Julie never realized it before because she always managed to arrive three minutes before boarding, but airports are boring as fuck.

Morgan and Zach's flight got delayed an hour, but her dumb ass forgot to actually check online, even though she set reminders for herself. Right now, she was literally just walking around the terminal, ear-buds blasting deafening music, and hoping they come soon so she can leave. Another thing she learned about airport baggage claim is that their design and slightly dim lighting is very depressing.

Muffled words floated around her, which she tried to ignore and focused on not stepping on the blue tiles in the floor pattern. It worked out pretty well until a body decided to launch itself on her back, causing both of them to crash to the floor. One of her earbuds got knocked out and she heard someone screaming at her.

"JULIE! Jesus fuck, I've been calling your damn name for twenty minutes," grins immediately erupted on both of their faces and JJ and Morgan hugged and screamed excitedly while half the people in the terminal watched due to the enourmous amount of noise they had made in the last thirty seconds, not that either of them cared. Well, Zach did a little.

"My god, please get off floor," he mumbled, gazing uncomfortably at all the people still staring.

"ZACH!" Julie quickly abandoned Morgan and rammed herself into his torso because he's too tall to hug like a normal person. "Fuck, I missed you."

"I missed you too, but, like, can we leave? These people are still looking at us," Zach said. As they left, he yelled a quick apology over his shoulder.

"Are you sure it's not too much trouble for us to stay at your house? 'Cause we can just go get a hotel room, it's no problem," Morgan said from the back seat.

"God Moe, shut the fuck up, I want you too. I got some stuff I want to tell you. And I have Monday off because of staff meetings, so it's not too bad."

"Okay, I think what she's trying to say is she's having second thoughts about seeing your scary ass parents again," Zach clarified, which he knew because he was too a little bit.

"Yeah, kind of."

Julie sighed. "You guys don't have to worry about that. They're probably aren't even home."

"Why not?"

"I'll tell you later."

"Okay...?" Morgan said, suspicious of her ominous answer. "So what's up? How's school?" Julie laughed a little.

"Great! Pulling solid low Bs."

"Oh come on. That can't be true," Zach said. A pause.

"Oh! You're right. I got some Cs too. Thanks for reminding me," she glanced over to Zach and recognized an expression that she usually saw on Christen. In fact, they all use it whenever any of their parents get too bitchy about school, much to Christen's annoyance. "Well _Dad_ , you'll be happy to find out that I have three As. Band, PE, and music theory."

"You should be pulling all As. I know you're smart enough to," he persisted.

"You know my counselor says that to me every couple weeks too, but what neither of you seem understand is that just I don't want to. School is too much work for a person who has no interest in any fields that involve any mandatory school subjects."

"One day you're gonna look back on high school and wish you put in more effort."

"Or maybe I'll be on my deathbed and thank God for giving me the ability to see the uselessness of school and not causing myself unnecessary stress," Julie countered. Even though she was the one to bring it up, Morgan hasn't said anything. Instead, she stared at Julie through the rear view mirror, and for a minute second they made eye contact. She made a _whatever_ face and turned her attention back to driving.

To break the silence, Morgan asked another question and hoped this one won't turn out to be as volatile. "When do we get to meet your friends?"

"Tomorrow I hope. There's this diner we love that I want to take you guys to. I think you guy'll like them. Most of them play soccer and they're all in the band, so there's some stuff you can talk about."

"Whoever they are, they don't have shit on us. We're the originals. We're like chocolate cake, and they're some weird ass flavor the Cheesecake Factory just made up."

"Whatever you say Moe."

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The last place Julie thought she would be at 2:00 in the morning was sitting on the roof and half-heartedly chipping at a roof tile and throwing the pieces down the chimney, but that's where she was. Occasionally, she heard a light _ding_ when a larger piece hit the metal wood holder at the bottom.

After they got to her house, she told them everything. And that actually means _everything_ , not the random lies she tells her friends. Zach's immediate reaction was to search every bar in within a fifty mile radius to find and kill her dad, but got talked down into waiting if he ever comes home while they're there, and then murdering him. At least then they could try to make a case for self defence.

Morgan was much less vocal. Her feelings went from neutral to sad, then sadder, then crying for a brief time before finally settling on heartbroken at the pain her friend had gone through, and wondering why they hadn't been told earlier. A multitude of answers were given to that question, ranging from "I didn't want to worry you guys" to "Telling you over FaceTime felt wrong". In any case, she was feeling depressed.

They talked about it for a long time. Tears were shed, some laughs were had, stories were shared, but overall it was a pretty dismal night. Soft music played in the background while they talked quietly, even though there was no reason to. It had a very intimite air to it, and there were no filters. Even after she went to bed, she was still thinking about it and couldn't get to sleep, which eventually lead to her climbing onto the roof.

 

Morgan's eyes slowly opened and she groaned. There was a noticable temperature drop and the noises coming from the walls and the fireplace downstairs were starting to bother her, so she grabbed a sweatshirt and went to inventigate. There wasn't really much to investigate though since the ladder that went into the attic was out and it wasn't like that when she went to bed. Before she climbed up, she checked to see if Zach was hearing it too, but wasn't surprised to see he was still sleeping.

Up in the attic, there was an old wooden table and a similar looking chair stacked on top of each other, probably left behind by that family that used to live here. The skylight, that was right above the chair and table, was pulled open enough for a body to fit through. She slid it the rest of the way to the side and poked her head out.

"I hope you realize a strong breeze could kill you up here."

"Oh, I'm countin' on it."

"Don't say shit like that. It makes me worried," Morgan climbed up the rest of the way and sat down next to Julie at the crest of roof, a little nervous by how high up they were.

"Y'know, the stars over here reminds me of the nights in Arizona. One of the perks of living in a town in the middle of nowhere, I guess."

"Yeah, me too, except it's not fucking freezing in Arizona," Moe snapped, pulling the edges of her sleeves over her hands and tucking them into her stomach. Julie chuckled.

"You get used to it."

"Really?"

"No."

"Fuck you," Morgan scowled and gently shoved her with her shoulder. "So how are you?"

"I'm good. You?"

"No I meant like, how are you really? I know you haven't been super great since Carli died and we haven't had a super deep conversation since you last visited."

"Moe, we had one literally two hours ago."

"I meant just the two of us."

"Okay, well I'm still fine. Life is just a little rough sometimes."

"Don't bullshit me Johnston."

"You know when you sit up here, you can see the top of the Chicago skyline."

"Bitch, don't even try that shit. I'm your best friend. I know everything about you, even if I had to lay in bed for hours to figure it out, and I fucking know you're not okay," Morgan hissed. Julie bit her lip and shook her head slightly, but didn't say anything, so she took that as a cue to keep talking. "I know that room that you stopped Zach from going into earlier is Carli's room. It has all her stuff in it that you had shipped in from Arizona, arranged just the way she would've like it, because fourteen-year-old you wasn't ready to let her go yet. I know the reason you don't try in school anymore is because you're scared that if you do, you're still not gonna do good like in primary school and junior high, and instead of putting in the effort and being devastated when things don't turn out, you'd rather stop all together. I know you haven't told any of your friends anything about your childhood or anything remotely related to it because you've always hated being that kid with the hard home life that everyone is always asking if they're okay and you wanted to close as many doors as possibly when you moved here. I know it still hurts to think that you're parents don't care about you, even if you say it doesn't. Tell me I'm wrong. I dare you," Morgan said. As the seconds pass and Julie remained silent, her fear grew that she maybe went too far this time.

"Did you go in?" she whispered. Morgan nodded.

"Look, you were acting all crazy and I was cur-"

"Curious, I know. The expert best friend thing goes both ways," Julie's breath hitched. "I sleep in there sometimes when I get sorta down. I look at all the pictures she had of us. I try to remember what her voice sounded like, what her laugh sounded like. Sometimes I can't hear it. Those are the moments..." she chuckled emptily. "those are the moments when everything in the world just...stops."

"Oh, Jay..."

"Yeah, yeah, I know, Moe. Life goes on, everything goes on, but she _was_ everything. Like, Kristi or Steven could've died, and I wouldn't have cared about it half as much as when Car died. It's just that-like sometimes it doesn't feel like it's real, even though I know it is. It's hard. I'm tired. I'm really, really tired, and I just want it all to stop."

And that was the exact moment Julie broke down on the roof.

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**Wednesday, October 11, 2017**

"Ah, Julie, how nice of you to bless us with your presence," Alex's head snapped up and she looked at the door where Julie stood, out of breath and looking quite messy, twenty five minutes late to her first period class.

"I know right? I was thinking about just not showing up, but I'm here anyway so we can all return to our regularly scheduled programs. I'm sure you're especially happy to see me, Mr.Cranston."

"For the last time, it's Mr.Garrett."

"Aww, but you look like Bryan Cranston."

"My god...do you have a pass?"

"Nope, so you can mark me tardy or late or whatever it is."

"Just take your seat, Julie," he said, exasperated. she smirked and sat down in her usual chair, next to her table-mate Alex.

"You're twenty five minutes late."

"I know."

"Why?"

"Because I overslept. Seriously, I just woke up twenty minutes ago," Julie snorted quietly when she recalled the chaos that went on when they realized she still had school.

"Don't you think it's a little early in the year to make our Calc teacher hate you?"

"He's a dick, it would've happened anyway," Alex shook her head and smiled.

"How was your night with your friends? Did you tell them?"

"Yeah, I did."

"How'd it go?"

"Zach said he's going to kill my dad, and I honestly can't tell if he's kidding or not. I'm kinda scared 'cause I don't want him to go to jail. By the way, are you still coming to dinner with us tonight?"

"Yeah. After practice, right?"

"Yeah. And fair warning, they are going to hardcore judge all of you because they're jealous I made new friends in Chicago and I don't talk to them 24/7 anymore."

"Really?"

"Yep. Don't worry about it though, I'm sure they'll love you," Julie mumbled as she took out her notebook. Alex's hand stopped writing for a second.

Why does it matter if they like her?

"You alright, Alex?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

But for the rest for class, she was thinking about that question, and honestly, she really hopes they do like her.

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"I can't tell if I hate her or love her."

"Me neither," Alex said. She and Tobin both collapsed on the bleachers next to the soccer field, water bottles clutched tightly in their hands. Zach was visiting relatives in the city and Morgan didn't feel like coming, so she was going to just wait for their practice to be over, but Coach felt bad for her and since she plays soccer too, she let her join in.

"Goddamn, why are people from Arizona so fucking good at soccer?" they eyed JJ and Morgan with contempt, their original energy from being reunited after two years still very evident and showing no signs of wearing off anytime soon. Everyone else was recharging on the grass or in the stands, but those two were still up and passing a ball between them, laughter and smiles radiating out. Alex was kind of envious. Tobin poked her side. "Aw, are you gettin' jealous? That's cute," she teased.

"Fuck off," Alex spat, and squirted Tobin with her water.

"Jeez, always so violent."

Tobin was the only person and Alex had(soberly) told about her crush. Everyone else already kind of knew though because she wasn't exactly being subtle about it.

Coach called it a night, Tobin forced herself to stand up and give the captain's end of practice mini-speech because it was her turn, and they left. All of them showered in the locker room and met Zach and Christen outside.

"Damn, you're tall," Kelley said immediately upon laying eyes on Zach for the first time.

"Damn, you're short."

"I like him," Kelley said.

"Thought you would," Julie said, jumping on Zach's back and pointing in the general direction of his car. "Tally-ho!"

Alex watched from the back of the group. Ever since the party last Saturday, Julie's been acting sort of distant. She asked her once if something happened while she was drunk, but JJ just brushed it off and left the room. Just straight got up and left. That part was also kind of weird. But if she didn't have to interact with her, she wouldn't.

"Everything okay, Al?" Christen asked, slowing her pace to walk with Alex.

"Yeah, I dunno, it's just like...everything's been kind of weird since the party. Like, I woke up in her house and-"

"Woah, she brought you into her house?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Alex, she never lets anyone in her house. She doesn't even like it when I'm in her house."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Must've been really drunk for her to do that for you," Alex's gate faltered.

"Oh."

The whole group piled into two cars and headed to Arlo's, their favorite restaurant. It was a retro-style diner, complete with the shiny booth seats and neon lights behind the counter.

They quickly greeted the waitresses and cooks that they were all very familiar with and sat in their usual corner booth, where they got their first glimpse into the childhood of Julie Johnston.

"So last night, I found out that this dumbass hasn't told you guys any stories from when we were young, which is total bullshit because there are a lot. Did I say a lot? I meant a fuckton," Morgan said, already having planned out the ones she was absolutely telling tonight. Julie groaned, her friends leaned closer like they could hear more that way, and Zach smirked with the knowledge of the information that's about to spill from Morgan's mouth and having zero intentions of stopping it. "Hey, remember when you broke your arm with that mailbox?"

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"Fuck off! It was windy and there was a chip at the bottom."

"Then maybe don't try to ride your bike down a swirly slide," Kelley pointed out. Everyone else made vague agreeing noises.

"Okay, wait so that's five broken bones and two concussions. I feel like we've missed something," Zach said.

"Oh yeah. Remember the escalator thing? That was bad. My wrist still makes this clicky sound," Julie bent her wrist and it made a sick cracking noise, which Christen made a very vocal opposition to.

"Jay, that's disgusting."

"You're disgusting. And if they didn't want me to do that, they should've put up a damn sign or something."

"You ran up a down escalator and tripped on your own shoelace!" Morgan exclaimed.

"You were about to follow me!"

"My god, you're both idiots," Zach muttered.

"Shut the fuck up!"

Alex thought their friendship dynamic was...different. They kind of treated each other like shit. Like if she was in this conversation, she would have thought Julie suddenly hated her or something. When Christen pointed it out, they responded with "This is what happens after fourteen years of friendship".

"Remember the Wingdings thing? God, that was one of my favorites," Morgan said. JJ chuckled.

"Oh come on, it wasn't that bad."

"Yes it was. You got three Saturday detentions."

"And you did something just as awful to do them with me, ya dumbass," they grinned and bumped shoulders.

"Uh, I think I'm gonna go. Nice to meet you guys..." Alex said, the end kind of rushed. She slid out of the booth and quickly left the diner. Being with them felt kind of awkward and the side of Julie it brought out wasn't her favorite. She got about half a block to her house before footsteps came running up behind her.

"Alex! Hey, Alex, wait up," Julie said, hopping in front of her to stop her.

"Yeah?"

"You okay? You left kind of quick there."

"I'm fine, I'm just tired. It's Friday and we just had an hour and a half practice and-"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah I know. Look, I know how they come off-or, well I mean, mostly Moe-but, y'know they only do that because they wanna protect me or whatever and make sure everyone around me is going to accept that bullshit that is my life," Julie paused, blinked a couple times, and her eyes darted around while she thought. "Wow, that was awful. That was the worst lies I've told in a long time. Okay, they are really just trying to embarrass me right now, but they are good people, I promise," Julie ranted. She stopped and took a deep breath before she continued. "Come to my house on Saturday. Eat dinner with us. You can get to know them more. Please? It'd really mean a lot to me if you did," JJ begged. Alex groaned and rubbed her face. She already knew she was going to say yes even though she really didn't want to. But when Julie starts begging, that's when Alex knew she's serious because Julie Johnston doesn't beg. Ever.

"Fine."

 


	8. That's Offensive To Huck Finn

**Saturday, October 13, 2017**

"Hello, Morgan family! How are you on this fine morning?" Kelley shouted, walking straight through Alex's back door. Tobin, who looked quite uncomfortable at the moment, followed and knocked on the door frame to be curteous, even if it was a lost cause by now.

Alex's dad sat at the kitchen table reading the paper, not even fazed by the intruder. "Morning Kelley."

"Kelley, this isn't even your house. How can you just go in uninvited?"

"Might as well be since she's here so damn often," Jeri said, throwing an apple at Kelley, who easily caught it and smugly took a bite. Jeri glared at her. "Alex, the idiot and the candy bar are here!" Tobin groaned.

"Just because my last name is He-"

"Yes it does."

"It always does."

"I hate both of you."

"Kelley! Tobin! Have either of you done the English homework?" Alex asked while she stumbled into the kitchen.

"Alex, the only people who does homework before 6:30 on Sunday are you and Christen," Kelley said, mouth full.

"Should've known the answer was gonna be no. Did either of you bring balls?"

"No, but I have the key to the athletics closet at school," Kelley picked out a key from her key ring with a piece of masking tape on it that says **DON'T LOSE**. On the other side was the school logo engraved on the metal.

"And how did you get this key, Kelley?" Mr.Morgan said monotonously, not looking up from his paper.

"I borrowed it and haven't given it back yet."

"Do they know you borrowed it?"

"Nope."

"That's nice. Make sure you put it back before you graduate."

"I will, Mr.Morgan."

"Good," he said, seemingly unsurprised that she just confessed to stealing from the school. Tobin was laughing quietly and Alex had her head in her hands and quickly pushed them out the door.

"I can't believe you just told my dad that."

"He asked!"

"You could've lied."

"Well yeah, but isn't me stealing it more believable?"

"You're an awful person."

"I know."

They piled into Tobin's car. In the backseat, Alex's phone buzzed.

**God's Gift To Earth-U still coming for dinner?**

Alex chuckled at the name Julie changed her contact to. Hesitantly, she replied yes and tossed her phone into her bag, leaning forward in between the two sitting in front.

"So what do you guys think of JJ's friends?"

"I like them," Kelley said. Tobin scoffed.

"You're just saying that because now you're not the only one who's gone to hospital for something stupid."

"Fuck off, it's not just that."

"Yeah, I dunno, I guess they're okay. I mean, I get why you might not like them, but after you left we actually had a pretty good conversation. I kinda get now why JJ acts like fucking Huck Finn."

"That's offensive to Huck Finn."

"Guys shut up. Was it really that obvious I don't like them?" Alex said.

"Sorta yeah. That, and I know you hate those kinds of jackasses, or at least people who come off as jackasses."

"Really? Shit."

"Why?"

"'Cause Julie invited me over for dinner with them."

"Ooh, that's not gonna go well," Kelley said, her words mixed in with low, pitying chuckles.

"I know."

^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^

"Zach!"

"What?"

"Where the fuck is my backpack?"

"I don't fucking know!"

Julie groaned. Her hand slammed down on her bedside table, feeling around for her phone.

"Goddamnit, it's too early for this shit," she mumbled to herself and stumbled out of her room.

"Jules, it's 10:30. Drink some coffee or something," Morgan patted her back and shoved her towards the kitchen. Julie flipped her off over her shoulder.

"Hope you guys don't mind, but I invited Alex to dinner tonight."

"Is that the one who left early on Friday?" Morgan yelled from the living room.

"Yeah."

"Fuck, she hates me."

"Well make her not hate you. I really want her to not hate you."

"Whyyyy?" Morgan groaned. "Wait...oh fuck, you did it again."

"What?"

"You-you-your developing another stupid crush on your bestfriend. Again."

"Oh come on. It wasn't that bad. We're still friends."

"Yeah and you and Zach are still friends too, but things are different now because of it. Do you really wanna take that risk?" Julie sighed and sat down on the couch next to her.

"Moe, this isn't like the thing that happened when we were fifteen, y'know? I really like Alex, and honestly, I dunno if it's ever going to go anywhere, but I think Tobin's gonna make me ask her out-long story, so..."

"So whatever ends up happening, I'll be here for you, but I just want you to to think about it."

"I _have_ thought about it. And I still like her, so it'd really mean a lot to me if you at least tried to make a good second impression," Morgan began to laugh, which made Julie laugh.

"Yeah, I don't really come off great the first time, do I?"

^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^

"I can't believe I'm about to do this," Alex mumbled to herself before ringing the doorbell. Some shouting and crashing ensued until the door swung open, revealing the ginormous Zach Ertz.

"Hi. Um, so you and I have never really been formally introduced. I'm Zach," he stuck his hand out with a polite smile.

"Alex."

"Alex," he repeated. "'Kay, I have to remember your name because Jay said I have to be nice to you and-"

"Son of a bitch, Zach! You were just supposed to open the door!" Julie ran up and pushed him out of the way. "Hey Alex. We're making dinner now if you wanna help," Alex chuckled and followed her inside. Flour was sprinkled literally everywhere within five feet from the kitchen, including the three people who were working in it. Morgan stood in the middle, twirling a lump of pizza dough in the air. When Alex walked in, Morgan glanced over in her direction and caught the dough.

"Hi. I'm Alex," she said quietly. Morgan looked past her, most likely at Julie, and made a series of subtle facial expressions, none of which seemed nice, then turned back to Alex.

"I'm Morgan. Uh, Morgan Brian. Nice to meet you," a pause. Zach snickered and Julie groaned.

"My god, that was awkward. Moe stop fucking with the dough. You're not actually supposed to do that," Julie snatched the dough away from her friend and put it in a bowl like all the other ones were.

"Hey, at least I never hit the ceiling while I was doing it!" Morgan shot back. Alex looked up at noticed a spot of flour above her.

"It was an accident!" Zach shouted. The two began to bicker and Julie sat on the counter next to where Alex was standing.

"You seem uncomfortable."

"I'm not uncomfortable."

"I can get them to shut up if you want."

"It's fine," Julie sighed.

"Look, the reason I invited you here was so you would like them."

"I do like them."

"Yeah, and I just cured cancer," she said sarcastically. Alex grinned and playfully shoved her shoulder. "Once they calm down it'll be fine. Yeah, they get kind of rowdy sometimes, but who doesn't?"

"Christen."

Julie snorted. "Trust me, Chris has her fair share of stupid shit."

"Oh really?"

"Yep," Julie wiggled her eyebrows and hopped off the counter. She made a big grandiose gesture for Alex's hand, leading her to the living room where the others were and swaying around like they were dancing. Alex tried to hide her smile and let herself be pulled along.

"Get a damn room," Zach mumbled as they sat down. He blindly reached around until he smacked JJ in the face.

"You're a dick."

"Haven't seen you in two years and I don't know when I'll see you next, so I gotta get my shots in now."

"That's sounds fair," Alex agreed.

"It's really not..." Julie reached around Alex to hit Zach on the back of the head, and left her arm around her shoulders. Morgan was on the other couch scolling through her phone. Julie glanced over at her and threw a throw pillow at her.

"What the fuck? Oh, right," she put her phone away and cleared her throat awkwardly. "So, Alex, JJ told me you're in band. What do you play?"

"Clarinet. You?"

"Bari sax. I actually used to play clarient, but Jay and Zach kept making Squidward jokes, so I switched to alto, then bari," Morgan said. Alex smirked at Julie.

"Wow, you just don't change, do you?"

"If it ain't broke, don't fix it."

"Also, brass is just naturally superior," Zach piped in.

"That's true," Morgan scoffed and threw the pillow back.

"Fuck you! Woodwinds sound better."

"Debatable. And we aren't represented to the general pop by an angry blue squid."

"Is Squidward all you have to say about clarinets?"

"No, you guys also sound like what I'd imagine the voices of cardboard boxes would be like:dull, annoying and squeeky. And saxes are basically what fuckboys translated into instruments would be," Zach said.

"Oh come on! Trombones are only good for glissandos and race car, and trumpets sound like shit for the first 5 years of playing."

"Mine doesn't."

"Yeah, sit in on freshman band for a rehearsal and you'll wanna rip your damn ears off," Alex snapped. JJ shrugged.

"Eh, got me there."

"Is the dough done?" Morgan asked. Julie got up and checked.

"Yeah, I think so. Zach, where's you put the cheese and the tomato sauce?"

"In the fridge."

"There's no cheese in here. Zach, did you fucking forget to buy cheese?"

"Maybe?"

"Damnit!" Julie grabbed her keys. "We're gonna go get cheese. Be back soon," Zach groaned and followed her. Before she left, JJ whispered something in Morgan's ear, which made her laugh and try to swat her away. The front door slammed shut and the whole house was suddenly quiet.

"So..." Morgan drawled. "you hate me."

"What? No I don't!"

"Yeah you do. It's okay, I was kind of a dick on Friday. But Jay really wants me to make an effort so you wouldn't anymore."

"Wha-why?"

"Because you guys are practically dating and she wants her practically girlfriend to like her best friend."

"What? No, no, we're just friends."

"I know. That's why I said 'practically'. But that's probably gonna change soon."

"No, it's not. We're just friends. We're just supposed to be friends," Alex insisted. Moe laughed.

"Right, because it's totally not obvious the crushes you guys have for each other," she said sarcastically.

"Well we'll just have to wait until it dies out 'cause we can't like each other. It's not supposed to happen."

"Why are you being so adament about this?"

"'Cause it's gonna fuck up our friendship! And if we breakup, I'll lose my bestfriend and my girlfriend, so no, it's not supposed to happen!" Morgan giggled at how much Alex was fretting over this.

"Okay, no offense, but that's the pussy-est thing I've ever heard. And as you get to know Jay more, you'll find out she doesn't really care about what she's 'supposed' to do. Like, you left before you heard the Wingdings story, right? Yeah, so what happened was, when we were in eighth grade, we had this terrible history teacher, and we had to write an essay about some battle in World War II. I forgot what it was, but she asked him a question and he gave a really asshole answer, something like 'I don't care, as long as it gets written'. So she wrote an essay, and I read it, it was a good essay, but she turned it in in the Wingdings font, and if you've ever seen it, that shit's crazy. Well of course he gave her an F, and she fought him about it in the middle of class, like, in front of everybody, and he said that if she can read it, she'll get an A. So she did. I don't even know why she knew how to read it, but she did, and he had to give her an A...and also three Saturday detentions. But the point is that she doesn't give a fuck how she's 'supposed' to act or what she's 'supposed' to do. She does what she wants and it almost always works out for her, because she's Julie Johnston, and Julie Johnston is a special, perhaps slightly magical person. You'd be lucky to have her," Morgan said. Alex's mouth fell agape.

"You're not serious."

"Nope. She actually did that, and it was funny as fuck. His face turned all red, he was so pissed."

"But then why hasn't she made a move then?"

"Because she's scared like you are of what's gonna happen. This kind of thing happened a little while back and it ended sorta badly. This big fight happened and people got mad and everything and she's probably expecting it's gonna end up like that."

"O-Oh."

"Yeah. I could try to tip the scales a little bit if you want."

"No, it's fine. I'll figure it out."

"Good. Hope I changed your mind about that 'supposed to' bullshit. You guys really seem like you would work together."

"Really?"

"Yeah, y'know 'cause she's dumb and loud and outgoing, and you seem quiet and reasonable and generally not dumb."

"Uh, thanks?"

"Ya welcome," Morgan smirked and got up to get some water.

"Hey, out of curiousity, did she tell you all of this?"

"Not all of it, I figured out some of it. Just what happens when you've known someone you're whole life."

"Damn," Alex muttered. "Thought Chris was the JJ expert."

"Nope."

"Yo! We're back," Zach yelled, arms full of shopping bags that definitely had more than cheese.

"Is anyone dead?" Julie asked. They both shouted as confirmation of life. "Good."

They made their individual pizzas. Alex and Zach both put pineapple on theirs, much to the disgust of Julie and Morgan. They watched most of the fourth Harry Potter movie on TV and then Stranger Things. They were halfway through the third episode when the peace was disrupted.

The door flew open, and Julie's dad stumbled in. He lifted his head and stopped. "What the fuck are you doing in my house?" he slurred. Zach immediately stood up and stood in between him and the girls, who also stood up and was backing away.

"Shit Steven, you're fucking wasted."

"Oh, now I remember. Zach Ertz. You always were a big one, weren't you?"

"You were always a piece of shit Steven, you know that?"

"Takes one to know one Ertz."

"Get the fuck out."

"Are you trying to kick me out of my own house, you fucking ingrate?" Steven shouted, getting louder and louder as his sentence progressed.

"GET OUT!"

"IT'S MY GODDAMN HOUSE!" he screamed. Steven pushed Zach as hard as his inebriated limbs could, but being generally larger and stronger, it didn't effect him much. Zach pushed back much more forcefully. Steven flew into a lamp, which fell over and shattered. He quickly got back up and soon they were fighting on the floor, although Zach was clearly going to win.

Mr.Press showed up at the door with a bat, Christen standing behind him looking terrified. She made eye contact with Alex and immediately tried to get over to them while her dad tried to break it up. Blue and red lights flooded the room when the police arrived.

^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^

Julie was sitting on the porch next to Morgan. Steven was sitting in a cop car while Zach talked to an officer. She hasn't said a word since Steven showed up. Alex stood with Christen on the driveway talking in hushed tones. A lot of the neighbors were standing outside their houses to watch what was happening.

Zach walked over to them and sat down on the other side of Julie. "So your dad is being taken down to station for tonight and then I guess they have to release him tomorrow. The cop dude said I can press charges if I want, but it's all up to you," he whispered. Julie bit her lip and shook her head silently.

"Fuck, I don't know. Why don't we Google it? 'What should I do when my drunk dad comes home and attacks my best friend?'" Julie snapped.

"So you're pissed."

"No, I'm all puppies and rainbows right now. Yeah, I'm fucking pissed. Son of a bitch ruined our night. Couldn't have showed up tomorrow? Now I have to put on that bullshit happy face and act like everything's fine so nobody calls CPS." she seethed, throwing the small pebbled she had been twirling in her fingers onto the pathway. Morgan sighed and leaned her head on her shoulder and Zach wrapped his arms around both of them.

"Jay I'm so sorry," Morgan murmured, sniffling.

"Yeah I know."

Alex watched from the driveway. Christen brought her a sweatshirt from her house that was wrapped tightly around her body.

"And you wonder why we all know you like her," Christen chuckled.

"God Chris, I can't even imagine what she's thinking right now."

"Probably 'why's that creepy chick always staring at me?'" Alex glared at her.

"What do you think they're talking about?" Christen made a dramatic thinking face.

"Gee Al, I can't think of anything important that might've happened twenty minutes ago," Christen said sarcastically. Alex shoved her gently.

"You've been spending too much time with Ju-oh my god, she saw me. Oh fuck," Julie caught her eye and had that smug smirk that she hates.

"My mom is bringing hot chocolate. I'll be back," Christen waved at Julie before she went back to her house

"Chris' mom is making hot chocolate? Hell yeah," JJ said. She leaned against the garage door, seemingly relaxed despite everything that just happened. "How you doin'?"

"How am I doing? I should be asking you how you're doing," Alex fretted. Julie laughed.

"This happened once when CP was over a few years ago. He freaked out and knocked shit over and someone called the cops. It's why I don't like people at my house. Get kinda paranoid. But I'd imagine you've never seen a drunk man try to fight a seventeen year old tight-end who has at least six inches and seventy five pounds on him."

"And you have?"

"Well no, but I'm probably not as shocked about it as you are."

"How can you be so calm?"

"Weed. Lot's of it," Julie giggled.

"Come on, I'm trying to be serious."

"You think I'm joking?" Julie's grin faded and she groaned quietly. "I'm sorry you had to be here when it happened."

"Jules, you can't be living like this."

"Like what?"

"You know what I'm talking about."

She sighed. "Alex it's fine. I'm fine. I got you and Chris and her family and everyone else here for me too. I only got eight months left here anyway, then I'll be out to whatever college that'll pay the most."

"Eight months is a long time."

"I already survived three years, what's a little bit more?"

"Your optimism is pissing me off."

"Morgan, I'm fine. This is just a little bump in the road."

"You worry me sometimes."

"I know."

"Promise me you'll call if anything like this happens again?"

"Of course."

"Pinky promise?" Alex stuck out her pinky. Julie stared at it for a second before intertwining it with her own. She thought about cracking some stupid joke here, but decided against it.

"Pinky swear," she whispered, bringing it up to her face and kissing it to seal the promise.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im sorry for that super nerd convo in there bc im pretty sure a lot of you wont get what im talking abt. Its a conversation i hear a lot from my friends and i couldnt not put it in there(im a percussionist, but brass is totally better). If you dont know what trombone racecar is you should look it up. It made me laugh so hard the first time i watched it and idek why. 
> 
> Sorry for the posting issues. I accidentally put an emoji in the text and apparently you cant do that. Whoops


	9. Who Pissed In Your Cereal?

**Thursday, October 18, 2017**

They were eating dinner. It was just supposed to be a good-bye dinner for Morgan and Zach since they were leaving tomorrow. At least, that was the intention. Steven hasn't been back since Saturday.

They went to a nice restaurant, got all dressed up in semi-decent clothes, and ordered expensive food. Their server looked at them once, and then a different guy came back to take their orders.

"Goddamnit Kelley, don't harrass the waiter if you're fucking Sonnett," Alex snapped when she caught Kelley's line of sight, which was directed at their waiter's ass.

"Goddamnit Alex, don't harrass me if you're fucking JJ."

"What?"

"What?"

"Who's fucking me?" Julie asked skeptically, earning dirty looks from the family at the table next to them.

"I am," Tobin and Kelley said in unison, then giving each other looks of mock-surprise.

"What? You're fuck buddies with those idiots and you won't do it with me? What gives, Johnston?" Morgan scoffed dramatically. Julie and Zach made deadpan eye contact across the table. He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively and they burst out laughing.

"What are you laughing at, King Kong?" Kelley spat, which made them laugh harder.

"I feel like the most uncomfortable person sitting at this table should be you," Alex said to Christen, despite the fact that she hasn't said anything yet. Christen snorted.

"I've heard Tobs make jokes about fucking most of our friends. I'm pretty used to by now."

"Really? I never took you as one to be okay with this shit. Or maybe you guys actually did have sex and that's why you're so chill," she teased.

"What do you mean 'actually did'?"

"Agh, rumors float around. I think I heard it during band camp, but I thought it was just another stupid Kelley thing for their summer prank war," she shrugged. Christen made a face and gazed elsewhere. Alex's jaw dropped. "Holy shit, you did. Damn, the group mom is less of a virgin than me."

"What about that guy after finals last year?"

"Having sex with someone you care about two weeks later is worth more points."

"Worth more points? What is this, skeeball?"

"Ooh, CP and Alex are talking about sex?" Kelley(literally) stuck her head in their conversation. Alex playfully pushed her away.

"God, this restaurant is gonna hate us after tonight."

The food arrived and the, as Kelley described him, tasty waiter waiter winked at Alex, much to the former's dismay. Julie stared at him with a passive-aggressive "I'm thinking about killing you with a shovel right now" smirk as he walked away. Morgan noticed and bumped her with her shoulder, to which she just replied with a "What?". They chuckled together, to the confusion of everyone else at the table.

Halfway through dinner, Morgan got a text and rushed off. Julie followed, worried for her seemingly upset friend.

"Hey, where'd JJ and Morgan go?" Alex asked when she noticed a couple minutes later.

"Uh, I don't know," Christen said, looking around.

"I'll be back," Alex excused herself to look for them. It was a big place, and she walked around for a while.

She opened the door to the bathroom. Through a mirror, she found them near the sinks. They were kissing.

Immediately, she turned around and rushed away, tears already swelling in her eyes. Alex furiously tried to wipe them away as she made her way back to the table.

"Um, I gotta go. Family emergency."

She left and ran the five blocks home.

 

"Moe! Hey, are you okay?" Julie called after her. "Moe! Morgan!" she chased her all the way to the bathroom.

"He fucking broke up with me over text! Goddamnit!" she yelled, stomping all around the small room.

"Who?"

"My asshole fucking boyfriend. Fuck!"

"Hey, hey, hey," she grabbed her shoulders to keep her steady and looked her straight in the eyes. "If he's too big a coward to do it in person he doesn't deserve you, okay? Don't cry over that dickhead," she said softly. Morgan nodded, sniffling and trying to dry her tears. It was quiet for a minute.

Just as Julie let go of her shoulders, she leaned forward and kissed her. So many things happened at once. They didn't even catch the door opening and the horrified face Alex had on when she saw it.

"Jesus! What the fuck, Morgan?"

"Oh, fuck I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Shit, shit," Moe rubbed her face in digust with herself and paced around with heavy footsteps.

"Oh my god," Julie leaned against the wall and rested her head against her hands.

"Damnit," she slid down the wall, groaning quietly. After a minute, JJ sat next to her.

"Just...why?"

"I dunno, I-yeah, I don't know. That dipshit just broke up with me and I'm dumb and you've always been there for me and this time you just happened to be literally there for me. Oh, that's sounds wrong. Fuck, I didn't mean anything by it, I promise. I know you like Alex. That was a mistake, and I'm so sorry."

"Please never do that again. God, I'm gonna get fucking PTSD now," Julie muttered, trying to add a hint of humor to the room.

"I promise I won't."

"Good," she mumbled. Julie sighed, and the. snickered.

"What? What the fuck could you possibly be laughing about right now?"

"You know you always were a good kisser."

"You need to fuck off."

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**Saturday, October 20, 2017**

People were crying. It happens every year at the last competiton of the year. Most of them were seniors, finally realizing the truth of the phrase "time flies".

Julie, Tobin, and Kelley were all in the lockers, leaning up against the middle row that was just at the right sitting height, drinking Arizona and trying to ignore the sad people around them. Call time was in a fifteen minutes, but they've both been there for about an hour already. It's a tradition for all the seniors to show up early and have a party-kind of thing in the band room the day of the last competition. Christen and Alex have betrayed them for the less rowdy group, leaving them to reminisce by themselves.

"Kell, remember our first competition?" Tobin said.

"What about it?"

"You put your overall bib on backwards and the field judge noticed and wrote it in his notes. Then Ellis read it after in front of everybody and we all knew it was you," Julie and Tobin giggled. Kelley shook her head, trying to fight off a smile herself.

"Still don't know how everybody found out."

"Oh, it's 'cause I told them," Julie said, with the asshole drink sip to emphasize it.

"What?!"

"Yeah. I got a picture too as proof. I figured that if I told you it was me in four years at our last competition you wouldn't be as pissed. Are you?" she confessed giddily. Kelley had a shocked expression.

"You shitting me. People reminded me to put my pants on straight for three years after that! The only reason they stopped is 'cause I'm a section leader now!"

"Co-section leader," Tobin correctly quietly, snickering at the situation. Kelley glared at her.

"Don't fuck with me Heath. Actually, you know what? Fuck it, I was the one who super-glued a jar of pickles to your case sophmore year."

"What the hell? You bitch, that's disgusting! Fuck you, JJ, Kelley was the asshole who stole your mouthpiece last year because she forgot hers," Julie turned to Kelley, who had a sheepish smile, and her face slowly morphed into one of deep repulsion.

"Ew! Ew, ew, ew, fucking damnit Kelley! That's my favorite mouthpiece! I've been using that thing for three years now! Shit, that's so gross!" she exclaimed, pacing around with her hands running through her hair.

"Hey, I washed it before and after."

"That doesn't make it less gross! Oh, Jesus fucking Christ..." she shook out her head and chugged half her Arizona like it would erase the last year of using that mouthpiece before settling back down. "Agh, here's to four years of this shit. Cheers."

"Cheers."

"Fuck both of you, but cheers."

"Oh my god, what the hell are you guys doing in here?" Christen complained as she walked in, giving Tobin a quick kiss and shoving Kelley out of the way to get to her stuff. Alex trailed behind, not looking up to greet anybody. Julie reached out and grabbed her forearm.

"Alex? Hey, what are you doing after? I think we're going to Amos'-"

"I'm busy," she muttered and shook her arm loose. Kelley's brow scrunched up and mouthed "What did you do?" Julie, equally confused, mouthed back "I don't know."

"Yo! Section leader meeting," Tobin called, motioning out the door. Julie sighed and reluctantly left, glancing back at Alex.

The meeting was mundane as ever and basically that same thing that was said at all the other competitions. They all made last minute preperations(where Christen made sure Kelley had her pants on right and Julie had a mouthpiece, much to their chagrin) and got on the unofficial senior bus.

"Alex?" JJ whispered, crestfallen when Alex sat with Kelley.

**HAO Jr.-dude what the fuck happened?**

**Jimmy Johns-i dont know**

**she hasnt talked to me since dinner on thursday**

**HAO Jr.-well fucking figure it out this is weird**

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"Trumpets! B flat chord," Julie pulled out her phone to tune. Kelley did the same, but handed it to one of the other seniors.

"I'll be back. Don't start the speech without me," she ran over to the water tank where the clarinets were taking their break. "Alex!"

"Damnit, you fucking scared me! What the hell do you want?" she hissed.

"What's going on with you and JJ?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing? What, so you just stopped being in love with her over nothing?"

"I was never in love with her."

"Well you were in something with her, and she doesn't know why you're not anymore."

"Kelley! What the hell? Go back to your section!" Ellis shouted at her.

"Fuck! Alex, don't be that passive-aggressive bitch. Go talk to her."

"Butt out Kelley," Alex growled and shoved her away.

"Think about it!"

Kelley sprinted back to the mass of trumpets, all staring at her. "May we have permission to start now, Queen O'Hara?" Julie said sarcastically.

"Just go, you asshole."

"As you wish madam. Trumpets, it's the last competition of the year, and it's been a great year. We have an awesome show and Kell and I are so proud of how you guys have performed. Our section sounds great and I have no regrets about how we've played. God, high school has gone by so fast and you don't realize it until you're up here giving this speech. Enjoy it because band really has been one of my favorite parts of high school. I couldn't have asked for a better section to lead and I just want to reiterated how great it's been to be here."

"Freshmen, I hope your first season's been fun and you'll stay with it. If you still don't have your shit screwed on right, it's okay because you have the rest of us to cover for you, so don't worry about it. Sophmores, juniors, you'll be our leaders next year, and I believe in you, so please, try not to fuck it up. What happens to this section really matters to me and you can bet your ass I'll be back to check on you. Seniors, it's been a hell of a journey with you and when I'm eighty and I don't remember any of your names, I'll still think of the great times we had fucking with Jill's mental health. Love you all."

"Wow, Kell, such a way with words."

"Shut up."

Becky called for a quick basics block and then they marched to the football field. Julie always thought they had a good show, way better than last year's. Halfway through the show there was a brass solo with all the brass section leaders that they nailed, even though her head was practically in a tuba.

"Shit, these things are hot!" Kelley yelled when they got back to the bus, already taking off her coat.

"Kell, your bib is on backwards," Tobin said, smirking when she looked down to find that it's not.

"You're an ass."

"You're gullible. We all have our flaws," Tobin chuckled, so Kelley shoved her the best she could from three feet away.

"Jesus, are either of you aware of how fucking small this bus is?" Alex snapped.

"God, who pissed in your cereal this morning, Alex?" Kelley shot back.

"You and your stupidity," she snarled and stormed off the bus. Immediately they all turned to Julie.

"What?" she asked, puzzled.

"What'd you do to her?"

"I didn't do anything! Why are you all assuming it was me?" a short, thought-filled pause. "'Kay yeah, it was probably me. But I don't know what I did, so stop looking at me like that."

"Then fucking ask her because none of us need bitchy Alex on this bus for another hour and a half back to school."

"I hate you all," Julie muttered and, following Alex's footsteps, angrily left the bus. A few seconds later, Christen came running after her.

"Hey! Look I know the way Kelley talks is kind of crude but she has a point. Go ask Alex what's wrong."

"I know I should, but that doesn't mean I want to."

"Wow, I think this is the most nervous I think I've ever seen you."

"This is the most nervous I've been in years. I forgot how it feels. I don't like it."

"You get used to it."

"Really?"

"No."

Tobin and Kelley finally got off the bus and they watched the last two bands perform. Julie told Christen that she would ask Alex when she found her in the crowd, but really she saw her almost immediately, about fifty feet away. They congratulated Becky and the other drum majors as they got on the field for the awards ceremony.

"Julie, I found her," Tobin pointed at Alex standing at the fence, watching the announcer rattle off superlatives for the bands in their division.

"After the ceremony?"

"GO!" Kelley shoved her away and she groaned, trudging towards Alex. When she stood behind her, she raised a hand to tap her on the shoulder, but thought no, so she opened her mouth, but couldn't find the right words.

"Oh fuck it," Julie muttered to herself, and just picked up Alex by the waist and carried her away, shouting "I need to borrow this" over her shoulder to the people she was standing with. She also made a "you asked for this" face to Christen, Tobin and Kelley because they seemed to be quite shocked.

"What the fuck, JJ?" Alex screamed. Julie set her down in the middle of the crowd

"Why are you avoiding me?"

"Fuck off," Alex tried to leave, but Julie grabbed her hand and pulled her back. They made eye contact for the first time in two days and they could both tell how tired and desperate the other was.

"I'll fuck off when you tell me."

As the announcer in the press box geared up to reveal the champions of the competition, a tear slipped out of Alex's eye. "I saw you kissing Morgan," she confessed emotionally. She tore her hand away from Julie and pushed her away, stomping off in a random direction.

The mass of teenagers around them wearing their school colors cheered. They won, but she didn't even feel like she could smile. She had a blank expression, but her friends could all tell she was heartbroken at whatever news she just recieved.

"Julie! Hey, are you alright?" Tobin shook her shoulder to get her to snap out of it, but she just shook her head and didn't say anything for the rest of the night.

^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^

**Monday, October 22, 2017**

"JJ, what the actual fuck?" Kelley and Tobin burst into the practice room she was using to record a college admission audition tape.

"What the hell, Kelley? Goddamnit, that was a good take. What do you want?"

"You fucking kissed Morgan?"

"What? No! She kissed me!"

"Well Alex saw it and she's really damn upset."

"Oh really? I didn't notice," Julie snapped sarcastically.

"Why are you being such an asshole right now? Don't you realize how fucking awful this is?"

"Of course I realize how awful it is! I went home that night and punched a fucking hole in the wall!" she held up her hand, covered in a splint and bandages. She sighed, putting her trumpet down and cutting off the recording. "It didn't mean anything, okay? It really didn't. Moe was pissed because her boyfriend broke up with her and she just kissed me. She has a history of doing stupid things like that when she's mad, but she never means anything by it. She was even apologizing right after. It's not a big deal."

"It's a big deal if she's that pissed about it!"

"Well what do want me to do, huh? It happened, it sucked, and it wasn't my fault."

"Well did you tell Alex that?"

"I texted her after the competition and left like, three voicemails."

"And?"

"And she still hasn't talked to me."

"So then how are you going to fix it?"

"I don't know."

"Well fucking figure it out," Kelley stormed out and slammed the door behind her. Tobin was leaning against the wall with her arms crossed, much calmer than her counterpart, and waiting for the argument to end.

"You know you could just work it into your Six Flags thing, right?"

"Yeah, that's probably what I'll end up doing," Julie sat down and groaned loudly in frustration. "So why aren't you as pissed as Kelley?"

"'Cause I heard what happened and I knew there was more to the story than that. You would never do anything to intentionally hurt her because as obvious as she made it that she likes you, you're pretty bad at hiding it too."

"Oh. Thanks, I guess?"

"You're welcome."

"Do you have your part down for the thing on Friday?"

"Jay, it's all basically whole notes in mezzo piano. I could sight read that shit."

"I'm just making sure. I want everything to be as perfect as possible," Julie grinned just thinking about it. Tobin chuckled.

"I really hope she accepts it because it'd be really awkward if she didn't," Tobin said, then left. Julie turned back to her stuff, suddenly not feeling like recording the audition tape anymore. Instead, she pulled out the sheet music for _La Vie En Rose._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Ill be honest, i really dont feel good about that first part, but im so sick of writing this chapter im posting it anyway.  
> So ik i talked abt band in the last chapter, but i want to again. Dont judge me  
> So that convo was a real conversation I heard some seniors having last year, slightly altered bc i dont really remember all of it. Except for that pickles thing bc i cant make that shit up  
> Since im pretty sure most of you guys dont know how a marching band competition works, your band shows up, warms up right before, marches your show, then watches all the other bands perform after then. A ceremony with all the drum majors happens where awards like best music, best color guard, all that other shit gets handed out. Usually we get back to school pretty late. I once got home at 3 in the morning my sophmore year.  
> Also if i used a marching band nerd word you dont know just google bc im tired and i dont want to explain it  
> K thats all i had to say bye


	10. Not This Moment

**Friday, October 26, 2017**

"Kelley, are you okay? Breathe with me-in, out, in, out," Tobin made big swooping motions as she made huge, over-emphasized breaths. Kelley growled and pushed her away.

"Don't fucking tell me how to fucking breathe I play the fucking trumpet I can fucking breathe better than you," she hissed in one very drawn out breath. Her lungs burned with the effort.

The beep test really was the bane of her existence. She was the last person running and had to stop when she tripped over a rock, missing the beep and not finding the energy to stand again. Since homecoming was tomorrow, their game was canceled so they were doing fitness testing and conditioning.

"Ugh, she's fine if she's already swearing at you. Kell, get up," Alex hoisted her up on her feet and she dramatically threw all of her weight on Tobin.

"Fuck off me. Practice is over and I'm not dragging your tired ass back to school," Tobin didn't even bother with the end of practice speech, simply shouting "Nice job, drink water!" over her shoulder as she lugged a bag of balls to school and made a mental note to send a message on team GroupMe. Kelley looked around at the group and ran to catch up with her.

"Hey, did JJ-"

"Shut up," Alex's walk faltered when she heard the name and realized Julie had disappeared.

"How did she-"

"Shut up! Jesus, Kelley," Tobin pulled her along to make her go faster, leaving Alex to wonder what it was all about. The past week as been kind of weird. People have been quieter than normal and acting like they're hiding something from her. They've also been spending a lot more time after school together, but that might just be because of the Battle of the Bands next week. They're playing a Michael Bublé-esque Spain.

She got back to the locker room, and there was a note taped to her locker with her name written on the light blue envelop it was enclosed in.

**Alex**

**I know you're really pissed at me right now, but I'd really appreciated it if you stayed in the locker room until 8:23 and then head over to the band room. If you don't I'll take the hint and stop talking to you, promise. It was really shitty what happened I'm trying to make up for it, so bear with me plz**

**-JJ**

For a couple minutes, she just sat down and reread the letter, not even bothering to change out of her dirty practice jersey or shorts. Tobin and Kelley already left, quite hastily, but she didn't notice. 8:23 was in six minutes now, so she changed out of her clothes and made herself look as decent as possible. Most of the team has left by now, the stragglers quietly waiting for someone to pick them up. The clock's second hand ticked painfully by and Alex carefully watched it, each soft click unnerving her in anticipation. When the minute hand moved to the tick mark on the clock face that signified 23, she jumped up and rushed out. Ceiling lights above her switched on as she walked beneath them.

She came to a junction. Down the hallway to her right was the path out the front door, where her car was parked and she could go home. In front of her was the fine arts wing where a figure watched her at the end in the dark, arms crossed and leaning against the band door. From the second she read her instructions, she knew she wasn't going to take the way out, but the possibility of forgetting about all of it made her hesitate. The figure could tell.

"Good choice. Had me sweating there for a second," Tobin mumbled, opening the door to the band room for her. The lights were off and Alex was slowly guided to a chair against one wall. "Just relax, okay?" Tobin left her, followed by some quiet dinging and muffled swearing. A spotlight flipped on, revealing Julie, Kelley, Tobin and a couple others standing of a set of risers as a makshift stage across the room. Off to the side was a handfull of violinists and Christen sitting at the grand piano. A drummer twirled his sticks between his fingers and gave the thumbs up. Christen played the opener to _La Vie En Rose_ , and Julie's chest puffed out a little as she took a nervous breath for the first note. Kelley and Tobin were playing background.

In the space between the first stanza and the lyrics, Julie swiftly placed her trumpet on a stand behind her and gently hopped off the stage with a microphone in her hands. She took Alex's hand and pulled her into the large space in the middle of the room. She laughed as they did a poor ballroom dance while Julie sang.

_"Hold me close and hold me fast_

_This magic spell you cast_

_This is la vie en rose_

_When you kiss me, heaven sighs_

_And though I close my eyes_

_I see la vie en rose_

_When you press me to your heart_

_I'm in a world apart_

_A world where roses bloom_

_And when you speak angels_

_sing from above_

_Everyday words seem_

_to turn into love songs_

_Give your heart and soul to me_

_And life will always be_

_La vie en rose"_

 

Alex sat back down as they started the second stanza. Julie got back on the stage just in time to make the cue. She's never heard this part of the song. It's just as beautiful as the first. Just the thought of how much effort must have went into this made tears pool in her eyes.

Her bell made a circular motion for the cut-off. The whole room was silent while Julie caught for breath from the last prolonged note.

"Hi. Look, first and foremost, I'm sorry for that thing with Moe and I know she's sorry too. It was a meaningless, impulsive kiss and I swear I pushed her away immediately. I really like you, and if I could've helped it, it wouldn't have happened at all. This last week has been killing me, knowing that you wouldn't talk to me because I hurt you.

"I've been planing this since that party after our first game. So many ideas have been made and scrapped just because I wanted this moment to be perfect for you. Alex, ever since I left your house before going to Seattle I knew I liked you. It was your energy and your wonderful ability to make me smile that made me want to get my head on straight, because I wanted this amazing girl to always see the best of me. And yeah, this might all just be me spewing off a bunch of Pinterest feel-good shit, but you really do inspire me..."

She stepped off the stage and motioned for Alex to meet her at the middle. "H-How? How'd you do all this?" she stammered. Julie chuckled. Her voice dropped to a quiet whisper that only Alex could hear.

"I got a lot of friends and a lot of them owe me favors," she sighed and swallowed hard. "Alex, I don't get nervous. Not before tests, quizzes, presentations, even finals. I wasn't nervous when I got called into my first U-16 camp or when I played my first international game...but you? You always manage to make my heart pound. I promise this isn't me trying to guilt you into forgiving me," she joked. Alex giggled through her quiet tears, sniffling and wiping the salty liquid from her cheeks. "Look, I'm not about to kneel in front of you and grovel for your mercy or whatever, but I still really hope you say yes because it'd be really embarassing if you didn't."

"What?"

"Alex Morgan, will you go to Six Flags with me?"

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**Saturday, October 27, 2017**

"You know, you'd think anybody doing what you did would wanna dress up a little."

"What's wrong with what I was wearing?"

"You wore a US Soccer t-shirt and jeans."

"So? At least I was wearing clothes, which is more than you've done at times."

"That was one time!"

"Can you guys shut the fuck up? I feel like I'm losing brain cells by listening to this conversation," Tobin hissed.

"Oh, like you had that many to begin with," Kelley snapped back.

"God, if you're gonna kill each other, go outside and do it in Julie's yard. I'm not cleaning that shit up," Christen said as she made sure everyone was ready and had everything. "Tobin, you have your money, right?"

"Chris, I forgot my phone once, two years ago. You don't have to triple check when I'm seventeen."

"Never too old to be an idiot, Tobs."

"Aw, thanks babe."

"Jay, if you call me an idiot when we're dating, I'm punching you in the face," Alex said, walking into Christen's bedroom and sitting next to Julie on the bed

"Of course not. You'd be the one calling me an idiot."

"Wait, _when_ we're dating?" Kelley asked. "That shit yesterday wasn't enough for you guys to get together?"

"I dunno, not officially," Alex shrugged. They left after stocking up the car in snacks and drinks for the long drive. Tobin and Christen sat in the front seats, talking about what they want to do. Julie and Alex listened to music together(classical, because Julie was finally starting warm up to it, much to Alex's delight) and Kelley spent the entire time texting someone. Halfway through the ride, they got food from Domino's

**Loveable Dumbass-if we were a family tobin and christen would be those stereotypical disney channel parents**

**Squidward-Tobin as a parent? We would grow up shoeless in a cluttered house**

**Loveable Dumbass-chris would make sure we have shoes**

**Squidward-But we wouldn't be wearing them**

**Loveable Dumbass-whatever. What would kelley be**

**Squidward-She would either be a five year old child or that weird hippie kid home from college**

**Loveable Dumbass-what does that make us hmm**

**Squidward-That's disgusting**

Julie snickered and Alex shook her head playfully.

"You know, most people find it common curtesy not to sext when they're in a car with three other people," Kelley muttered.

"Kelley!"

"Oh my god."

"I'm going to push you out of the car."

"Jesus, why's everyone always so damn violent?" Kelley chuckled at how uncomfortable Alex looked.

"We're here!" Tobin shouted. "Thank god."

The group found a parking spot and entered the park. Immediately, Kelley left to go to the carnival area. "Kelley!" Christen shouted after her.

"I know, 8:00 for Superman! See you guys later!" she flashed them a quick smile and ran off.

"Did she mention anything to you about a date?" Alex asked as they parted ways with Tobin and Christen.

"Nope."

"Huh."

They got churros and went on a lot of the kiddie rides, skipping all the lines with Flash Passes. Alex didn't want to ride any of the big rides, but Julie managed to get her on American Eagle and the Joker. Together, they won the soccer shootout game three times and got a big Jamaican banana, which they would later argue over who would get to take it home. They won a ton of other games and eventually had to be given a big garbage-bag looking plastic sack to put them all in.

"Okay, I swear I just saw Kelley and Sonnett riding Demon together."

"You're delusional," Julie told her, even though she saw it too, and snickered at the pout Alex made.

"Are they dating?"

"I don't know," she said, despite her teasing smirk and her tone of voice clearly suggesting otherwise.

"Yes you do."

"I swear on my father's life I don't."

"You don't care about your father's life," Julie nodded slowly with a "duh" face and waited for her to put the pieces together. "Oh. Oh!" Alex exclaimed.

"Yeah. I saw them kiss at Syd's party, but I promised I wouldn't tell anybody."

"But you just told me."

"No, you figured it out."

"Right."

"Right. God, I can't believe Kelley fucking O'Hara has a girlfriend and I don't," she complained. Alex didn't say anything and Julie noticed, so she pulled her off to an empty bench. "Kell had a good point back there. Why aren't we dating?"

"Because...I-I dunno, I guess we just haven't found the right moment."

"Really? I worked on a solo for you for two weeks and that wasn't our moment?" Julie scoffed incredulously. "Look, be straight with me here. Do you or do you not want to date me?"

"Yes, of course I do! I just-I-I don't know, okay?" Alex stuttered in a desperate attempt to gather all her thoughts. "It just didn't feel right to do it in front of all our friends and a bunch of people I barely know the names of. We have to find our moment. A personal moment."

"A personal moment," Julie repeated to herself. "Okay. I can do that," she sat there awkwardly, tapping her fingers on the bench and bouncing her knee up and down for about five seconds. "Hey, wanna go ou-"

"Not this moment."

"Fine."

Soon, the park dimmed it's lights and makeup covered monsters came out to victimize innocent Six Flags attendees for Fright Fest. Parentes rushed to get their young children out the gates to avoid tramatizing them. Julie felt right at home. Alex didn't. Every once in a while, Julie would tap Alex's shoulder and she would yelp, putting herself further on edge(and God forbid it was actually one of the demons...)

"Jesus, Morgan, we come to Fright Fest every year and you're still scared."

"Well I'm sorry if we all can't have nerves of steel like you, Johnston."

"I'm not," she smirked. A man crept up beside Alex in a dirty latex mask and a chainsaw, suddenly jumping in front her and brandishing it in her face. Suffice it to say, she made it extremely clear to everyone around them how terrified she was.

"You're an ass," she muttered. Julie couldn't even respond because of how hard she was laughing.

"You-you scre-oh my god," she gasped, nearly falling over.

"Come on, it wasn't that funny," Alex said. Julie shook off her giggles forced herself to keep a straight face.

"No, no, you're right. It was so much funnier. Like, this is one of those things that's still gonna make me smile in two weeks in the middle of class. Holy shit..." she slung an arm around Alex's shoulders and they stumbled around together, still rambling about how funny it was. Alex didn't mind. Not as much as she should.

"Fuck, it's 7:58!" Alex started running, expecting Julie to follow. She didn't. "Let's go! We have to be across the park in two minutes!" she grabbed her hand and tried to get her to move faster. Julie chuckled as she was strung along.

"You're fear of Christen is comical. Relax, okay? What's she gonna do, take away our phones? Ground us? Besides, she's dating Tobin. They'll probably be late too, and God knows what the hell Kelley's doing," Alex sighed and slowed down. Julie had a satisfied smile on and they walked together, hand in hand, to Metropolis. They were only ten minutes late. Still beat Kelley though.

"Where have you two been?" Christen shouted when they were in range.

"Whoops," Julie shrugged. Right behind them, Kelley and Emily came running up through the thick crowd and showed no signs of slowing down.

"Hey, look who I found! Uh, we should go in now," Kelley said quickly in passing, peering over her shoulder nervously. She and Emily grabbed a person in each hand and gave them a tug in the direction of the entrance to Superman before running in themselves. Just after disappearing around the corner in the darkness, two out of breath security guards coming from the direction they just came in stopped in front of them.

"Have any of you seen two seen two girls about your age running this way?" one asked.

"Uh, yeah, they went that way," Tobin point in the opposite direction. They huffed and took off again.

"God, I'm gonna kill her," Christen muttered, stomping off. JJ snickered.

"What do you think they did?" Alex asked.

"I dunno it could have been anything. Six Flags is pretty strict with their rules. Trust me, I know."

"And what is that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing you'd want to know about," Julie wiggled her eyebrows tauntingly. Inside, they walked through the Flash Pass lane to where everyone else is standing.

"Look, it was nothing really," Kelley said. "Homophobic fucks just caught us making out in the fun house and we ran cause they were about to kick us out. Uh, we're dating by the way," she added casually. Emily grinned and nodded for confirmation.

"What?"

"Holy shit."

"Oh my god, what a surprise. I would have never guessed," Julie said flatly. Kelley glared.

"Very funny JJ."

"Hey, if you didn't want me to know, maybe be a little more careful about where you decide to french someone at a party," she said. Kelley repeated her words in a mocking tone. Everyone else started talking about their relationship, but Julie wasn't interested. Apparently, Tobin wasn't either.

"Have a nice night?" she said, the bag of prizes at her feet.

"The best. Couldn't have asked for a better person to spend it with," Julie mumbled fondly.

"That's great. Make it official yet?"

"Not yet. She wants a personal moment for us, but I don't really care, you know? Just waiting for when I can call her my girlfriend instead of this weird in between."

"Well, regardless, as her best friend, I feel obligated to say that if you hurt her, I'll hurt you."

"Ouch, Heath, I'm hurt. I didn't say that to you when you started dating Chris," she grabbed her heart and feigned offense. "But seriously, I wouldn't dream of it, Tobs."

"I know, but I have to say it."

It soon got to their turn to get on the ride. Julie pulled her sweatshirt sleeve over her hand to hide the splint so they'll let her on. She and Alex had to get in a different row than the others but they didn't mind as long as they were together. As soon as their seats tipped forward and the floor beneath them lowered, Alex's grip on her handlebars tightened. When they actually started moving, she began to hyperventilate.

"Okay, I can't do this. Get me off the goddamn ride," she hissed. Julie held her hand and squeezed it reassuringly. The mechanisms above them ticked as they slowly climbed up to the apex.

"Relax, okay? I'm here, everything's alright, I promise. Just breathe. Not like how you were before, but like, you know, normally. I-you know what I mean."

"Y-Yeah. Okay, I'm okay. I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay."

"Hey Alex?"

"Yeah?"

"Wanna go out with me?" Julie said hopefully. Alex looked over to see if she was serious.

Just as the ride stopped for a brief second right before the drop, Alex whispered, "Okay."

Julie laughed hysterically as they sped through the tracks. She couldn't stop smiling. Alex screamed bloody murder, but the edges of her mouth were curled up.

As soon as they got off, right in the middle of the platform, they kissed. "At least we tried to do it in private," Kelley muttered. Julie flipped her off, still kissing Alex.

Outside on the path to the gift shop, they walked slightly behind everyone else, still in a wondrous daze. "So since I was the one who asked you, can I have the Jamaican banana?"

"You're such an idiot."

 


	11. If You Insist

**Wednesday, October 31, 2017**

Clocks kind of suck. They move really slowly and basically mock you with how long they make classes seem. At least that's what Julie thinks. The music they were playing for Battle of the Bands played on repeat in her head, slowed down to sixty beats per minute so the tempo aligns with the second hand. A worksheet with the new concept they were "learning" that class along with random other papers were sprawled out on her desk, already filled out with all the answers that she figured out within ten minutes of getting them. Unfortunately, that meant she had nothing to do for the next eighty.

A green Post It gets stuck to her hand. She smirked and glanced over at Alex next to her, who seemed completely immersed in the monotone of their calc teacher and speed writing notes.

**PAY ATTENTION!!!**

_Why_

**Bc this is important**

_You know what's more important? Literally everything else in the world_

**Math isn't important?**

_I'm a musician and a soccer player. Math can kiss my ass_

_**Colleges aren't gonna want someone who tanks math** _

_Tell that to the four that already offered me a full scholarship_

Alex read the Post It and her eyes went wide, mouthing "four?", mostly to herself but a little bit to Julie. She snickered, catching the attention of their teacher.

"Something funny, Ms.Johnston?"

"Yeah, your hai-" a sharp pain appeared on her shin.

"Nothing. Nothing's funny, Mr.Garrett. Sorry," Alex quickly cut her off. A few people sitting around them smiled at the exagerated frown Julie was shooting at her.

"You coulda let me finish," she murmured.

"I just saved your ass. Be grateful."

"Yes dear," she replied jokingly.

Just under an hour and a half later, Julie watched the second hand reach the tick next to the number four and an oddly A flat note came from the intercom to signify the end of class.

"You got into four colleges and didn't tell me?" Alex exclaimed immediately, almost pushing JJ out of her chair as she took her time gathering the clusterfuck of papers that accumulated on her desk.

"Actually I got into five but I didn't get a free ride so I'm not thinking about that one," she mumbled as they left. Glancing up, she saw her girlfriend's glare and realized she was expecting more of an explanation. "I'm a youth national team soccer player who's also a half decent musician. It wasn't exactly hard," it was pretty clear she wasn't very interested in the subject.

"First of all, you're so much better than half decent, don't sell yourself short. Second, you never answered my question," Alex crossed her arms. Julie looked around the hallway for any of their friends and sighed.

"Look, everyone knows I don't give a fuck about school and I don't want them to make a big fuss about it, okay? I'll probably just end up picking the one whose mascot I like the most anyway."

"I didn't even know you applied."

"Chris' parents made me do it over the summer for early admissions. Please don't tell anyone. Not even Christen," she begged.

"Whyyyyy?" Alex whined.

"Because I was gonna surprise her mom for her birthday next month and she would definitely spill."

"Fine."

They stayed out in the hall for a while before splitting ways right before the bell rang. Alex went up the stairs for AP Bio while Julie headed down to the English wing. Right before she walked through the door, a very Kelley sounding voice demon screeched and a very Alex sounding scream echoed from upstairs.

Julie made eye contact with Tobin. "Kelley?"

"Yeah."

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"Happy Halloween Presses!" Kelley yelled, walking through the front door(she knocked this time) with Emily and wearing the same banana suit costume she wore the last three Halloweens.

"I still can't believe you're all going trick or treating," Mrs.Press scoffed.

Julie shrugged. "We're seventeen, so this is officially the last year we can go without it being creepy."

"Oh, trust me honey, it got creepy a long time ago," she patted Julie's back, who was trying to think of a response to being called a borderline pedophile.

"Uh, thanks Mrs.Press."

"You're welcome, and stop calling me Mrs.Press. You haven't been a guest in this house in years."

"Then what am I supposed to call you?"

"Anything you want, dear."

"Yes sir."

Tobin and Channing snorted and Mrs.Press hit her on the back of the head with the magazine she was holding. Christen took this as a cue to leave. "Yeah, no. We're leaving now."

Outside, they hit up every house on the way to the north side of the town where people always go overkill on their decorations and give out the most candy. Alex was dressed as a witch. Julie was wearing her normal clothes, but with a snapback and a nametag that had **Tobin** written on it. "Wow, you put so much effort into your costume this year," Alex said sarcastically. "How are you gonna explain to people you're dressed as Tobs?"

"Actually I'm gonna tell them I'm dressed as an idiot," she responded, just loud enough for Tobin to hear. Over her shoulder, Tobin flicked her off to the disgust of the mother walking by with her children. "Yeah, fuck you too," they dropped back a little bit. Kelley and Sonnett lead their group, loudly dancing around from house to house. Tobin and Christen followed, doing their cute ass couple shit.

"So which colleges did you get into?" Alex said quietly to avoid prying ears.

"Uh, Santa Clara, Stanford, U of I, UCLA and Duke. I only applied to colleges that have a music program and a soccer team."

Alex nodded along while she talked. "Are you sure you don't want me to tell anybody?"

"Yes!" Julie exclaimed. "It's not that big of a deal and I don't want you guys to blow it out of proportion."

"What do you mean it's not that big of a deal? It's fucking amazing, and I want to celebrate my incredibly intelligent girlfriend's accomplishments," Alex jumped up onto a tree stump and took a deep breath. "JU-" Julie rushed forward and cupped her hand over her mouth but tripped in the process, causing them both to tumble into the crunchy leaves on the grass. It caught the attention of the others.

"You guys okay?" Christen yelled. Alex gave the thumbs up.

"Yeah. You can go on without us, we'll catch up!" she waved them away so they could lie on this random person's yard in peace.

"You do realize I got into college on literally everything other than my academic record, right?"

"It doesn't change the fact that you're smart. I love how smart you are," Alex grabbed her hand and gave it squeeze. Julie scoffed.

"Even if I don't put it into school?"

"Of course. I mean, it'd be better if you did, but..." Alex trailed off teasingly. Julie laughed.

"Well, I love how you can ignore it, even though I know you hate it," she whispered. She thought about tacking on that she's really been trying to get her grades up for her, but stopped because some efforts are better unnoticed. Instead, she sighed and sat up, pulling Alex with her. "'Kay, this is getting too When Harry Met Sally for me. The others are probably waiting for us."

"Yeah." Alex was slightly disappointed, but brushed it off and jogged up to join her friends.

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The Monster Mash played out of a bluetooth speaker that Emily was holding, the third song in a Halloween playlist they found on Youtube. They had dumped all of their candy in Tobin's car and now their small group was dancing to the music and singing the little amount of lyrics they knew as they took a short break between trick or treating and going to a party. Most of them were anyway. Alex was content just watching her friends tell the whole town they're idiots.

"Alex, come on. Dance with us!" Julie had her hand clasped in her own and moved it around to the beat.

"I'm good."

"But it's Halloween, Morgan! What did you do before I was in the picture?"

"This. You were there, ya goof, we just didn't talk."

"If this is really what you did, it's no wonder we didn't hang out earlier. It's our last Halloween together, don't you want to make memorable?" Julie offered a hopeful smile and Alex sighed exageratedly, but couldn't bring herself to even act exasperated.

"If you insist," she conceited, joining her and their friends. They got a solid fifteen seconds of haphazardly rhymthically stumbing around the sidewalk.

"Julie?" Christen said stiffly.

"Yeah?"

"Isn't that your dad?" Julie almost fell over from the dead stop she did. She followed Christen's finger, pointed at a figure drunkenly ambling down the sidewalk towards them. They made eye contact and he definately knew it was her.

"Julie!" just from that one word, she could tell he wasn't sober, even if the way he was walking gave it away anyway.

"You gotta be kidding," she jumped up to the front of the group and yelled at them to turn back.

"Julie, come here! Come on!" Steven's distant hysterical laugh set her nerves on edge.

"JJ, who is that guy?" Kelley exclaimed, finally seeing why they were being forced to stop.

"I'll explain later," she glanced back and saw he got faster. "Fuck me! Run! _Motherfucker_ ," Julie hisses to herself as she sprinted to lead them around the last corner they passes and across the street to a dark, moon lit park. Her friends sat down on top of the jungle gym and watched her stare at her father from the shadows as Steven turned the corner, looked around for where they went, then left in the opposite direction.

"Julie," Alex said, tugging her away so she wouldn't keep watching the street out of terrified paranoia. She wrapped her arms around her neck in a tight embrace to force her to look away and rested her head on her shoulder. She could physically feel Julie's heart beat. It was racing. "You okay?"

"I'm fine," Julie whispered. There was a slight tremor in her voice.

"You're hands are shaking," Alex pulled away and held up her hand, which had a slight tremble to them. Julie yanked it away and shoved both hands in her sweatshirt pockets.

"I'm okay, really," she said, a smile easily making it's way to her lips. For a second, Alex really believed it. Then she remembered who she's talking to.

"I wish you'd talk to me," Alex said. Julie's smirk flickered and when it flipped back on, it felt more forced.

"Everything's alright, okay? I'm just a little fazed, nothing to worry about," she grabbed Alex's hand and squeezed it for reassurance, but it didn't do much.

She went over to where the others were sitting and told them the man who chased them was her dad, being extra careful to use words and phrases like "occasional" and "not as bad as you think" to downplay the situation a bit. All through it, Julie couldn't bring herself to look at Christen because she already knew the look she was getting, the "I know the truth and this definitely is not it" look.

"Is everything okay at home, Jay?" Tobin asked quietly. A dead quiet hung in the atmosphere while they watched her search for an answer.

"Uh, yeah, everything's fine Tobs. Ste-my dad just kind of gets like this sometimes. D-Drunk, I mean. Everybody does, right?" a short pause ensued while the irony hit her. "I mean like, you know, uh, I don't know, he's just sort of like this, I guess. But it's not cause for concern, I promise. Thanks for asking," Julie said, mentally beating herself up for how awful that was. "Um, so yeah. Can we just head to that party now? I..." she sighed, but everyone already got the hint and started walking off in the direction of Allie's house.

"Julie?" Alex called out when she saw her girlfriend hadn't moved.

"Yeah, I know, I just-I-I need...can I just have a second?" she said softly, almost choking up right in the middle of that sentence. A tear quickly welled up in her eye and she turned just in time to hide it's fall.

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**Wednesday, June 8, 2014**

Heavy, clumsy footsteps shook Julie out of her book. It was pretty late at night, and the only other person home was her father. A mangled exclamation and glass being roughly handled against hard surfaces came from the kitchen.

Julie put a bookmark in her book and slid out of bed, not quite sure what was happening downstairs. Her feet barely made a creak in the stairs because of how hesitantly she was moving. Now terrified, she peaked her head around the wall and saw her father sitting on a stool at the island, a more than fair amount of empty beer bottles sprawled out in front of him. His hair was wild and stick out in all directions. A scraggly beard peaked out on his chin, although it looked more like he'd neglected shaving for a couple days. Is this what he was doing when he leaves for the night every couple days?

Apparently, he saw her. "You. Come here, you fucking mistake," Steven slurred, slamming his current bottle down on the table top. Julie stood in the doorway, but didn't feel safe going any further.

"D-Dad?"

"It should've been you, you know," he got to his feet and pointed a finger at her. "Dead. Carli should be the one still alive, not buried six feet in the fucking ground. She's the one who deserves to live, not you," he snarled. Julie swallowed the lump forming in her throat.

"You-You're drunk," she stuttered, gripping the counter next to her in fear.

"I'm sober enough to know the truth!" Steven tried to move towards her, but tripped on an untied shoelace and crashed to the floor, growling to himself while he picked himself up. Julie was still in the doorway, petrified. "You know I'm right. It should have been you."

She sniffled and closed her eyes as her cheeks became wet. A sudden explosion of glass and droplets of beer erupted on the wall next to her, small shards narrowly missing her. Julie screamed and ran up the stairs, shaken to her core. She felt like she was being chased by the sadistic, inebriated cackle coming from her father's mouth.

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Music pumped out from a set of speakers on the wall that they could hear even before they entered the house. A cooler filled with beer and Coke sat in the middle of the room, but there was a two drink limit because they had school tomorrow. There was already a fair amount of people there when they arrived, but now it felt like a full blown party. Kelley and Sonnett were off playing lemonade flip-cup, but the rest of them were in the dining room playing candy poker with a bunch of band kids.

Alex can tell how hard Julie was trying to keep up her facade. "Hey, are you sure you don't wanna talk?"

Julie blew out a puff of air and tapped her cards on the table. "Yeah Al. I'm okay, seriously. Just a little tired."

"You know I'm always here, right? Always," Alex put her hand on Julie's knee and looked her straight in the eyes, practically begging her to say something real.

Julie enveloped Alex's hand in her own and rubber her thumb against her palm. "I-" she swallowed hard and gently put her cards down. "I think I'm gonna get some air," she mumbled, getting up and heading out the back door. Alex kept on staring at the space where her girlfriend used to be sitting. Her hand felt colder now without her. Christen slid over a seat and filled the hole.

"Everything alright?" Christen said. Alex sniffled and ran her hands nervously through her hair.

"I wish she'd tell me what's going on," she whispered. Christen scoffed.

"I've been asking her for three years if she wants to tell me anything and I got an answer once. Once, Alex. Maybe you'll get some better luck."

"Yeah, well so far I haven't had any," she snapped bitterly, then closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "I-I'm sorry. I'm just kinda frustrated."

Christen chuckled. "I can relate."

Christen scooted back back into Tobin's side. Another round was played, but Julie still hasn't returned. "I'll be back."

Outside, she found Julie juggling a dirt covered soccer ball that looks like it hasn't been touched in years. If she knew Alex was there, she didn't say anything. A couple taps later, the ball slipped her foot and fell to the ground. Julie stared at it blankly for a moment, then charged at it and kicked it as hard as she could. The ball cleared Allie's fence and hurdled into the yard two houses over. Then she stood still. Her fists formed and deformed tensely and her chest slowly shifted with shaky, burdened breaths.

Alex doesn't even know what emotions she was feeling right now. It was so rare for Julie to show any real emotions other than positive ones that this was foreign territory. No man's land, where a false step could result in a(metaphorically) painful death. If it were anybody else, she would be expecting screams, yells, anger exploding in every possible way imaginable, and then some. But it's not anybody else. This was much scarier. Julie has officially crossed the line where she can't even fake being okay anymore, a line that not many people in this world has seen her cross. Alex is about to be added to the list.

"Hey," Alex whispered. Julie didn't move, but acknowledged her presence with a particularly deep and audible breath. Alex slowly walked closer, trying to gage how to respond to the situation, and finding that she couldn't come up with an answer. So instead of saying anything, she rushed forward and hugged her. A few seconds later, she felt Julie's hands wrap around her too and her head rested on her shoulder. Soft sobs quietly accompanied tears that soaked Alex's shirt.

It was literally the most basic form of distress she could show, but it meant the world to Alex that she chose to share it with her.

 


	12. You're Shitting Me

**Friday, November 2, 2018**

Julie didn't come to school the day after Halloween. Nobody asked any questions, or even said anything about it.

Honestly, they were all just relieved she didn't have any bruises like when she came home from Seattle.

When she showed up in calculus on Friday, Alex tried not to look at her any differently, to act like everything was normal, but she had a million burning questions to ask. From the look on her face, Julie probably wouldn't have answered them anyway.

Halfway through the lesson, Alex reached over and grabbed her hand. It was slack for a moment, then Julie's hand wrapped around hers, her thumb rubbing over Alex knuckles.

"I missed you yesterday."

"I missed you too."

"Everyone was worried about you," Alex said. Julie snorted bitterly.

"Really? I thought I tramatized everyone when my shitfaced fuck of a father screamed at us chased us down Cormak Street."

"Uh, well, yeah, that too a little bit, but you were the one we were really thinking about," JJ let go and rubbed her face, exhausted.

"That's nice, Al, but I-I just can't right now. I can't look them in eye after Wednesday."

"Oh my god, nobody cares about Wednesday!" Alex exclaimed, a little bit louder than she meant to, and blushed when she realized everybody in the room was looking at her.

"There a problem, Alex?" Mr.Garrett asked.

"No, sir, sorry," she mumbling. Looking over to Julie, she didn't find her usual "ha, you got in trouble" smirk. "Look, nobody cares if your dad is a drunk, alright?" she hissed. "We care about you and your well being and it's killing us that you won't tell us anything. Seriously, Kelley almost flipped out yesterday on a junior when he said you were probably in jail."

Julie chuckled sadly. "That's great sentiment, Alex, but I just-"

"Can't. I know," Alex twirled her pencil between her fingers, frowning. "We should do something tomorrow, just to get our minds off it. To get your mind off it. I'll take you on our first date. I already have somewhere in mind."

JJ sighed. "I'd love to, but I have a U-19 video call thing in the morning and a junior symphony rehearsal for most of the afternoon. Maybe next weekend," Julie turned back to the board, still with a slightly depressed expression.

Alex was disappointed, but was determined to give her girlfriend a good day after the perpetually shit week she's had so far. Julie carries an outstandingly unfair weight on her back, and yet still stood taller then the rest of them. It was admirable, but even the strongest need a break sometimes.

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"Ms.Ellis?" Alex gently knocked on the door to the band office and walked in after managing to leave PE early for a "headache". Ms.Ellis looked away from her computer screen and smiled when she saw who was at the door. She always liked the clarinet player, even if all her friends were often rambunctious idiots during rehearsals.

"Aren't you supposed to be in a class, Alex?"

"Technically yes, but I just have a question. I was wondering if you would give Julie the day off of junior symphony rehearsal tomorrow," Alex said. Ellis scrunched up her brow and leaned back in her chair, confused.

"May I ask why?"

"Because she's had such a terrible week and I just thought that since she does so much for the band and everything and she never misses rehearsals for anything, you'd give her a break, just this once," she rambled nervously.

"Alex, you do realized what your asking from me, right? This is basically like asking to skip rehearsal block to sleep in the library."

"I know, but she never gets to relax and a really tramatic thing happened to her on Wednesday, so I just want to take her out and have a nice day. Please?" Alex pleaded hopefully. Ellis sighed and thought for a second.

"Fine, but don't tell anyone about this, okay? I can't have people coming in here every time they want to skipping out on something just because they feel like it."

The senior grinned. "Of course, thank you so much. I really appreciate it," she said as she left the office with an excited bounce to her step.

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That afternoon Kelley came up to Julie in the locker room right before practice to say that she doesn't have to go to junior symphony rehearsal tomorrow. Julie thought the wording was kind of weird, but wrote it off as nothing and finished changing. As she walked to the field, chilly temperatures starting to bite at her, Alex jumped on her back.

In her ear, she whispered, "Tomorrow, meet me at the train station at 1:15. Don't bring money, everything's on me. Super casual, no fancy clothes," Alex hopped off and began walking away, leaving a bewildered Julie in the grass, staring at her.

"The fuck? Did...did you get rehearsal canceled?"

"Nope, just for you babe!"

"Where are we going?"

"It's a surprise!" mouth agape, Julie turned to Kelley expectantly, who put up her hands in surrender.

"Hey, I'm just the messenger."

She watched Alex walk over to the bleachers, sit down, and look straight at her smirk smugly. "What the hell..."

"Try not to think about it too much," Tobin said, weakly pushing at her shoulder to get her moving again. "You'll drive yourself crazy."

"Do you know where she's taking me?" JJ asked accusingly. Tobin snickered.

"Yep, and I can promise you'll love it. Seriously, I'm like, super jealous you get to go there. Relax, it's a fun surprise."

Julie's gait faltered for a moment, then she shook it off and jogged over to where Alex was sitting. "Where are we going?"

"I can't tell you," Alex said tauntingly.

"I hate surprises."

"That's a lie, you love surprises."

"I hate this one," Alex smiled innocently at the half "fuck you" half "I'm enjoying this" expression Julie had. Coach blew his whistle and everyone around them started to move for warmups. They didn't move.

"Don't you have somewhere to be, Captain Johnston?"

Julie scoffed. "I'm gonna find out."

"Yes, you will. Tomorrow, at 1:15, at the train station...or maybe I'll bring a blindfold and you won't know until we actually get there. Sounds like a good idea, right?" Alex winked and joined the mass of teamates stretching on the field.

"You know she's just gonna bother you until you tell her," Kelley mumbled.

Alex glanced over at her girlfriend, now joking around with some of the other seniors. "At least she's not sad anymore."

<>

"Julie! What the hell's wrong with you today?" Coach yelled after she flicked a ball way wide for a turn over. All practice her game had been off, and right now during a scrimmage it really shows. Her last tackle almost took out a sophmore, her passes aren't as accurate as usual, and a lot of balls have been getting past her.

"Sorry, little distracted today!" she yelled back.

"Well get it together, we have a game Monday!" Julie shook her head at herself and huffed frustratedly. Tobin ran up behind her and grabbed her shoulders to stop her.

"Look, I know you got a lot of shit flying around right now, so do you wanna sit out for a while?"

"No, I'm fine," she grumbled angrily, already trying to get back in the game

"Then I need you to try to focus, okay? Take a deep breath, shake it off, get your head out of your ass, and go!" Tobin sprint off to help out her team, and Julie stood at the sidelines for a minute, collecting herself. Across the field, Alex watched out of the corner of her eye and realized before practice probably wasn't the best time to tell her.

After scrimmage, people were going home. Some of the seniors were helping to clean up, Julie included. Alex made sure to stay and wait for her. "JJ!" Alex caught her arm to catch her attention and stop her from leaving. "Hey, I'm really sorry if I fucked with your game today. That really wasn't what I meant to do."

"No, it's fine. Probably would've fucked it anyway with all the stuff happening."

"Stuff as in plural stuff? I thought it was just the one thing."

"Uh, yeah, it's nothing, just some college stuff, you know everything's so complicated with the housing and classes and things..." Julie trailed off at the end and let the air around them get awkward.

"Okay?"

"Yeah."

"Cool."

They changed silently and Julie asked for a ride back to her house. Halfway through, she remember why she did that. "Alex?"

"Yeah?"

"Alex?"

"Yeah?"

"Alex?"

"Yeah?"

"Alex?"

"What?!" she yelled finally.

"Where the fuck are we going tomorrow?!" Julie yelled back, imitating her.

"You'll find out tomorrow!"

"Fuck you!" Alex giggled. They held hands over the middle console. Every couple minutes, Julie would ask again, gradually getting more creative every time.

"But what if my parents-" she started, then halted abruptly when she realized what she just said. Alex raised an eyebrow. "But what if Christen's parents get worried that my girlfriend is basically kidnapping me?"

"Then they can call me."

"But like, what if-"

"Oh look at that, we're at your house. Get the fuck out of my car," Alex said firmly. Julie scowled, so she kissed her and grinned reassuringly. "I promise you'll find out soon enough, babe."

"I better," they quicky kissed again and Julie got out and waited for Alex to drive away.

The light were off in her house, which is always a good sign. Opening the front door(which is actually not her most prefered way to get in the house anymore), it seemed empty, but she checked around the first floor to make sure. Once she got to her bedroom, she sighed. Some wood was chipped off in random places at the center, along with shallow puncture marks.

Last night, Steven came home. He was much louder than normal, and seemed deeply upset about Halloween. It was pretty late and Julie didn't want to bother Christen at midnight, so she locked herself in and just had to lie there when he came over and started banging on her door. At some point he decided using a bottle was the best method to knock, which lead to the chipped wood and shards of glass she almost cut her foot on on this morning.

Flopping on to her mattress, she found herself so tired from everything. Of everything.

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**Saturday, November 3, 2017**

"Morgan, this is insane."

"Compared to some of the shit you've done, I'd say this is pretty tame."

"At a certain point, this just gets weird."

"And we both know we haven't crossed that line yet. Admit it, you love this."

They were sitting on a train heading downtown. Julie was wearing a blue bandana folded up to make a blindfold and she could just feel the stares they were getting. She sat lazily against the metal walls, a bold move considering she couldn't see what she's touching or how close she is to others. Alex was enjoying it.

"This is an unusual amount of confidence from you."

"What can I say, I've learned from the best," Alex gave her hand a little squeeze. Julie scoffed.

"I can't tell if you're insulting me or complimenting me."

"How could that ever be an insult?"

"Well, let's see. I'm sitting on a train, blinfolded, don't even know where I'm going and told not to bring money or anything with me. You're either calling me the ballsiest motherfucker alive or a psychotic maniac who needs professional help," Julie complained. Alex laughed and leaned lovingly into her shoulder.

"It was a compliment, you idiot," the train slowed to a stop and the intercom above them beeped. "Come on, it's our stop." Alex lead her off the train, making sure to walk her into a support column. She hailed a taxi and slipped the man driving it a slip of paper with the destination.

"Are you kidding? You're not even telling the cabbie where to go? God, Alex," Julie shook her head and made small talk with the driver to pass the time.

Ten minutes later, they arrived. Alex paid the man and guided her to the sidewalk, constantly adjusting where she was standing to tease her.

"I hate you so much right now."

"You're about to love me. Take off your blindfold," hesitantly, Julie removed it. A big brick sign towered in front of her that said Soldier Field. Advertisements for the WNT game against Ireland all over, including on the attire of the crowd around them. With everything that's been happening, Julie completely forgot about this game. Hope actually offered to get her tickets in the family and friends section, but she declined because of everything she has to do.

"You're shitting me."

"Nope. They're good seats too, nine up from the field. My sister was going to come with her boyfriend, but then a thing came up, so I got them. It was so short notice that I wasn't going to come and you were all gonna be busy anyway, but then that happened and here we are," Alex explained, but Julie was barely listening. The pure joy she was feeling right now was evident on her face, and it was enough to make Alex smile.

"Oh my god, I love you so much," she gushed, still staring at the sign. Alex doesn't even think she knows what she just said, but it still was enough to put her over the top happy. They've only been dating for a week, but if they're being honest, it's been much longer than that.

"Come on, game is starting soon," she tugged on her sleeve in the direction of the of ticket scanners. Once they were inside, they went straight to their seats, not bothering to walk around the stadium or anything. The older couple sitting next to them chuckled at their obvious excitement.

Finally, a little behind schedule, the US team walked out of the tunnel, holding hands with all the little kids. The sight of Hope gave her so much relief her muscles immediately relaxed. Alex noticed.

"You okay?" she asked.

"Yeah, I'm just-I'm so happy right now, you don't even know."

"Trust me, I know."

The national anthems played and then kick off. The US scored early off a set piece, and then again off a penalty from a dirty tackle. At halftime, Alex's mom called to check in.

"You know, I don't think I've ever met your family before."

"What? Yes you have!"

"No I haven't. Whenever I'm at your house, you're either home alone or they're working somewhere else in the house."

"Really? Well we should change that soon," Alex said. Julie shook her head and laughed nervously.

"Uh, yeah, no. I generally try to avoid meeting parents. All parents. They seem to find me to be...not the greatest influence most of the time, to put it lightly."

"Maybe that's because you skip school a lot and don't put any effort at all into your education."

"What do you want me to do? It's just not interesting."

"You could at least turn in your homework."

"I have other stuff to do," Julie shrugged, chuckling at the glare Alex was sending her.

"Like what, exactly?"

"Practice, play soccer, sleep, watch TV, literally everything but homework," she said. Alex rolled her eyes. "Don't you wanna go pro one day? Why are you putting so much effort into it?"

"Because I need a backup plan if soccer doesn't work out. Not everybody's a music prodigy like you, Ms.First Chair Since Freshman Year," she mumbled with fake bitterness and a frown. Julie leaned over and kissed her.

"Thank you for the flattery, but I'm nowhere near prodigy level-and don't say that in front of Kelley or she'll get all twitchy."

Alex huffed. "You know, just once I would like to see you be an arrogant bitch and recognize how fucking amazing you are."

"The day I become that arrogant bitch is the day I want you to shoot me in my face," Alex snorted. "No I'm serious. I'll get the gun, the ammo, the tarps for my brain splatter, everything. Just need you there to pull the trigger," Alex playfully pushed her head away. "What?"

"Shut up, the game is starting again," she said.

For the next 50 minutes, they both became totally immersed in the game, complaining to each other about Ireland's keeper being too far off her line or the team not connecting as well as the US. Everyone in a while, they would get up and walk around the stadium a little, buying the trash food they sold there. By the end, something Alex noticed was how much her girlfriend stared at Hope. Not in a weird way, but in a way she couldn't quite get her finger on.

"Jay, how'd you meet Hope?" she asked.

"Uh, just someone I knew in Arizona. Helped me out a lot growing up, like with homework and other stuff."

"So like a babysitter?"

"Not really, just like, a friend I guess. I mean, she's really family, but...I dunno. Just someone who was around a lot," Julie shrugged, mentally face-plaming herself about how bad that sounded. Alex was confused.

"Oh," she mumbled.

Soon the final whistle blew and the crowd donning red, white and blue erupted in cheers. Players spread out to the stands to sign things for fans. Julie saw Meghan Rapinoe making her way to their section and grinned.

"Hey, follow me," the couple made their way to the front row. "Megan! Hey, Pinoe!" Julie waved her arm and shouted loudly. Pinoe glanced her way briefly, then did a double take and quickly finished signing a ball for a young girl.

"Julie? Hey kid, what are you doing in Chicago?" she said as they clasped hands.

"Dude, I live here, remember? By the way, this is my girlfriend Alex," Julie motioned to Alex, but sne was too shocked to say anything, so she just waved.

"Right, hi. Wait, does Hope know you're here?"

"I don't thinks so."

Megan grinned devilishly and turned around to find where Hope was standing on the field. "She doesn't, huh? Wait here," a couple seconds later, she returned with a security guard and pointed at them. Because of the chatter in the crowd, she couldn't quite tell what she was saying. "Stay there!" Soon, the security guard showed up in the stands and lead them to the areas the general public wasn't allowed to go, finally arriving in the locker room.

"Are we supposed to be in here?" Alex asked nervously.

"We're about to find out," Julie found Hope's locker and sat down, casually scrolling through her phone and looking around while Alex stood awkwardly to the side.

Soon the team filed in, many of which gave them odd looks. Those on the Reign smiled at her and Pinoe winked. Hope came in last and instead of going to her locker like everyone else, she turned to the opposite direction to talk to one of the other keepers. Julie feigned offense and put her hand on her her heart, as if she was deeply hurt by Hope not noticing her sitting. Then she stood up and started walking towards her.

"Oh, please don't," Alex pleaded.

"Too late," getting a running start, she leapt up on Hope's back, much to everyone's suprise. Hope stumbled around in a confused haze. The whole room was silent now and Alex's hand was frozen to her face in both horror and disbelief.

"What the fuck? Who the fuck is this?" much like how Alex did yesterday at practice, Julie leaned down and whispered "Hi Hope." Hope squealed and Julie hopped down to hug her, being shaken so excitedly her legs were swept off the ground and swung around. "Holy shit, I thought you weren't coming!"

"I wasn't going to, but my girlfriend kind of forced me to," the whole room turned it's attention to a starstruck Alex, petrified by the fact that she was standing just within a few feet of her idols. "Say hi Alex."

"H-Hi."

"Girlfriend?" Hope asked incredulously, and for a second Alex was terrified she was going to do that whole parent-judging thing. "You finally got someone to put up with all your bullshit?"

"Uh, you'd be surprised how many people are willing to put up with my bullshit," Julie retorted. Hope glanced around at all her teammates watching them, many probably wondering who the hell this dipshit is that has magically appeared in their locker room. On the other hand, Pinoe had her phone out and seemed to be recording them.

Hope pointed at her. "Turn that off."

"You know, I was hoping to catch a nice moment between you and JJ for you to watch later, but instead I got this wonderful noise you made. Hold on," she rewinded the video until she got to the high pitched noise Hope made when she saw Julie.

"If that gets on Instagram or Twitter or anything, I will murder you."

Megan made a big show of pressing a button on her phone. "Oops."

"I'll kill her later," Hope muttered to herself, then slung an arm around Julie, who pulled Alex over with her so she isn't just standing awkwardly alone. "Everybody, remember this face, because she's gonna be playing with you in a couple years. Well, maybe not you 'cause you're old, but..." Hope nodded over to Christie Rampone, smirking at the glare she recieved.

"You know, Alex is quite good at soccer too," Julie said. Alex blushed when she saw all eyes turn towards her again.

"Oh really? I guess I'll just have to stop by your school and see for myself," Hope winked. Julie and Alex went out into the hallway while the team changed.

"Having a fun time, Morgan?" Julie asked.

"Oh my god, did that just happen? Was I just standing in a room with Hope Solo and Abby Wambach and holy fuck, this is the greatest day of my life!" she gushed. Julie laughed.

"Don't get too excited about it or you'll be a total dork to them when you show up for your first camp."

She scoffed. "Yeah, right. Maybe you, but not me."

"You know your problem is Alex? You have no confidence in yourself. Maybe it's time for _you_ to be that arrogant bitch and start recognizing your own talent."

"A little hypocritical, don't you think?"

"Maybe, but mine motivates me to better. Yours just makes me depressed."

"I'm sure," Alex chuckled. They took pictures and talked while they waited for everyone to come out. Hope walked out with the bulk of her teammates and lead them to a lounge looking room with a bunch of their stuff in it.

"Jay I..." she sighed and grasped her by the shoulders. "God, I'm so fucking happy to see you again."

Julie smiled. "Hope, it's only been a few months."

"Yeah, and who the hell knows when the next time is going to be? Let me be happy today."

"Fine, you big baby."

For the next hour, they stayed in that lounge with the national team, all the way up until when they had to leave. Hope got to know Alex more, Julie met some fantastic people whose faces pepper the posters in her room, and they just had an overall great time. Alex especially liked it when Hope showed her photos of young Julie, although it was slightly uncomfortable when she asked who that other girl was in all the pictures and they didn't have an answer.

A man came into the room and told them they had to board the bus back to the hotel.

"Shit. I wish I had something to give you guys, but I didn't know you were coming," Hope said.

"Hope, we're not seven year olds at a birthday party. We don't need goodie bags for coming," Julie said. Abby was passing by them when she said that, looked at them for a second, then pulled a ball out of her bag.

"Here, take this. It's the ball we played with today," she handed them the scuffed up blue-gradient ball. Alex held it in her hands like it was a massive diamond.

"A-Am I allowed to just take this?"

"Kid, I don't even know if _I_ was allowed to take that," Abby shrugged. "But it's yours now. Wait," she took the ball back and signed it with a black Sharpie, then passed it around to everybody until it was covered in signitures. "Better."

"Holy shit, thanks," Julie said, examining the ball.

"Don't mention it. I better see your names on a roster soon, or I'm gonna pissed as hell."

"One can hope."

They followed Hope outside and waved at her as she got on the bus. "Bye Jay! I love you!"

"Love you too!"

Once the bus' wheels began turning, they began walking down the sidewalk in search of a cab. "I hope you had a good day," Julie said. Alex scoffed.

"Hey, I took you here, I should be telling you that."

"Either way, I had fun. I'm so glad it was you that I got to spend today with."

"Me too. You know how hard it is for me to see you all depressed? I had to do something."

"Oh, you have no idea," Julie muttered.

"What was that?" Alex asked, even though she clearly heard it.

"Nothing, nothing. I just wanna tell you though that this is greatest day I've had in a long time. Thank you."

"Don't mention it."

^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^

That night, Alex placed the ball on her bedside table, perched on a small paper cup, and smiled for a long time.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my fucking god that was so long. Idk that was sort of an idea I had bouncing around for a while, and I'm not really sure about it, but it's three in the morning and I felt like writing, sooooooooooooooooooo. Feedback is much apreciated.  
> I already know what the end of this story is gonna look like. But the next four or five chapters are just gonna be stuff that happens in between bc I thought itd be really empty otherwise.


	13. Y'all Better Not Be Having Sex

**Friday, November 9, 2017**

A ball just hit Julie in the head. It was a pretty full kick and she was knocked to the ground, but it didn't even faze her. What did however, was the sight of Hope Solo and Megan Rapinoe walking across the field in the middle of their last practice.

A few seconds later, a petrified Mal with a hand over her mouth Rose, not even trying to contain her cackles, came into view. "Oh my god, oh my god. I'm so sorry, the-the wind curved the ball in the air and-and oh my god, I just hit my captain in the face with a ball," she was beginning to hyperventilate. Julie offered a smile to say it's alright. Laughter started to grow among the team, but the one that managed to stand out to her was Hope's.

"Oh, kid, you just made my day," Hope wiped away a tear and patted Mal on the back, not even noticing that the laughs have abruptly stopped. Rose too stopped laughing immediately and Mal's look of horror quickly shifted to one of shock. "Now get up, you little dipshit, and give me a hug. We both know you've taken worse things than that to the head." She offered a hand and pulled her up into a hug.

Julie shoved her gently. "I thought you went back to Seattle!"

"Decided not to. I like Chicago, it's a nice city. I'm going home today though, so I thought I'd drop in."

"I thought you were kidding when you said that on Saturday!"

"Well I wasn't."

"And you didn't think this might be something I'd like to know?"

"I did actually, but it's funnier this way."

"Yeah, uh, I don't know if either of you know this or not, but you have about 25 teenagers staring at you guys right now," Pinoe said. They looked around to find that it was true.

"Why are they looking at me like that?" Hope asked quietly. She raised a hesitant hand and waved awkwardly.

"Because the first string keeper for the senior national team just showed up at their soccer practice and called their captain a dipshit," Julie whispered back.

"Right, I forgot."

Everyone seemed to still be in a state of suprise. Kelley broke the silence first. "JJ, what the hell?"

Julie glanced at back their visitors, who had very amused faces as she tried to explain the situation. "Um, yeah, this is Hope and Megan. You guys might know them from something, can't quite put my finger on where and this joke is stupid. Look, I didn't know they were coming either, so stop looking at me like that."

"Uh, JJ I don't think that's why they're looking at you like that," Tobin said.

"I know," Julie mumbled. Hope cracked up.

"God, you're awful at this."

"Fuck off."

Hope and Pinoe stayed for the rest of practice. They watched and gave pointers to students on how to improve, even participating in the scrimmage at the end of practice. In fact, well after it ended people were still hanging around. Hope got back in the goal and everybody took penalties on her. Only Julie, Tobin, Alex, and another senior made their shots. Kelley was deeply upset she missed and demanded another, only to be blinded by the field lights switching on. Another plus(or negative depending on how she looks at it) of the day is that Julie's teammates now look at her like she just showed them heaven, which to a bunch of soccer obsessed teenagers, she did.

"Bye Hope," Julie said, muffled by her face in Hope's shoulder. This time, she was actually getting emotional because she didn't know when the next time they would meet would be.

"Bye Jay. I promise we'll see each other again soon, alright? I'll call on the 21st," Hope's voice dropped for the last sentence. Alex knows that meant she probably wasn't supposed to hear it, but she could't help but listen in.

"Okay."

"Okay. Bye Alex, it was good to see you again!" Hope and Pinoe got in their Uber and Julie and Alex watched it drive away, then started walking to the parking lot to Alex's car.

"You know our team is gonna look at you like a god now."

"For what?"

"You brought two national team players to see us."

"I didn't technically bring them."

"But still. After today, people are going to start wondering why your life is so much crazier than everybody else's."

"What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean. Are you really gonna make me say it?" Julie paused before she opened the car door and sighed.

"You know I don't always wish I had a crazy life."

"That's a lie, you love it."

"You think I love being chased down the street on Halloween by my drunk father?"

"Well no, but I know you loved being able to do insane things because it's _you_ and nobody's expecting everything else. I also know you love your stupid spontaneous adventures, whether it be deciding to go on a random hike on a whim or getting on a unplanned flight to Seattle without telling everyone."

"Fair. But every once in a while you just gotta wonder what I'd do if I could trade it all away..." she said, getting quieter and quieter, like she was saying it more to herself.

"Um," Alex was at a loss for words. "Is...is everything okay?"

"Yeah. Yeah, everything's fine, Alex," Julie said and sniffled, settling in her seat and gazed out the window. There was a slight strain to her voice and Alex knew she didn't mean it.

"Okay," she whispered. "I really liked seeing you happy today."

"Aren't I always happy?"

"It's different and you know it."

A small, nostalgic smile pulled at Julie's lips. "What can I say? I like seeing Hope. She was an important person from my childhood."

It did kind of irk Alex that there were so many unanswered questions with her girlfriend. Of course, she was "respectful" of her wishes, but that doesn't mean it doesn't bother her.

They pulled up outside Julie's house. Just as after she closed the door, Alex rolled down the window and called her back. "Hey, what are you doing Sunday?"

"I'm starting...and finishing my English paper."

"When is it due?"

"Monday."

"Well start tomorrow because you're having dinner with my family."

Julie laughed. "You're kidding."

"Nope."

"Remember what I said last Saturday about never meeting parents?"

"I do."

"Great, then you already got the memo."

"Yes I did, and then I threw it in the shredder because you're having dinner with my family."

Julie stuck her head through the window and said quietly, "Morgan, do you want your family to hate your girlfriend?"

"No."

"Then why am I having dinner with them?"

"Because they should know what an fucking awesome person I'm dating."

"Are you cheating on me?"

"You're funny too, they'll love that."

"What about Christen's family?"

"What _about_ Christen's family?"

"They'll get sad I'm not eating dinner with them," Julie said, then closed her eyes and sighed.

"They eat dinner with you everyday, I'm sure they could spare one meal," she smirked and shoved Julie's forehead out the window. "You're better than that Johnston! Six o'clock Sunday night, your ass better be on my porch!"

Alex drove away, leaving Julie to watch it make it's way down the street and round the corner. She turned and glared at Christen's house. "'Christen's family will miss me at dinner?' Jesus fucking Christ."

^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^**^*^*^*^

**Saturday, November 10, 2017**

"Tom Holland is hot," Julie said as she scrolls through her Instagram feed.

"You have a girlfriend-whose parents you're meeting tomorrow, so can we please stay on task and find you some damn clothes?" Christen snapped. Julie chuckled. She was lying on Christen's bed and watched Christen look through her closet for an outfit for her to wear tomorrow.

"Just because I have a girlfriend doesn't mean Tom Holland stops being hot. He's on both our freebie lists," Christen stopped and turned around, looking at her strangely. "What?"

"Freebie list? Like from 'Friends'?"

"Uh, yeah?"

"You had a conversation with your girlfriend about which celebrities you would fuck if you got the chance?"

"What, you don't talk about that stuff with Tobs? Is that not normal?"

"No!"

"Oh...well you should. It's a fun conversation to have," Julie said.

Christen was still facing her, hands on her temples with a look on her face that said "What the fuck?" "It's been four years since we met and I'm still baffled by everything that comes out of your mouth."

"Thank you."

Christen shook her head and turned her attention back to the closet. "How about this?" she held up a purple dress.

"Chris, I'm not wearing a goddamn dress, okay? If I wanted them to see me in a dress they can go to our next concert. It's a Sunday dinner."

"And you don't want to be at least a little dressed up?"

"I don't want them to think I'm something I'm not, and I'm not a purple dress wearing, prissy embodiment of the dictionary definition of perfect. That's you. I'm me, and they should know that. But I'll probably limit the amount of dick jokes to a minimum."

Christen rolled her eyes and chose to ignore the last part for now. "Fine, do it yourself then," she sighed and sat down at her desk. "Are you nervous?"

"About what?"

"Meeting her parents, you idiot."

"Nope."

"Really? I was shaking when I met Tobin's parents."

"You were shaking when you were six?"

"I meant when we started dating, shithead. It's different."

"I'm sure it is, but I don't think sweating through dinner with them is gonna help either."

"I hate that you can just go through life without caring what anybody thinks of you."

"I hate that you can't."

Christen grinned at her upbeat attitude. "Well normally us introverts can't look our insecurities in the eye and tell them to fuck off like you can, Ms.Queen Of The World," she gently kicked Julie's arm. "So, are you seriously trying to tell me you're not nervous at all?"

"Mmm...I'm worried for Alex. I don't want her parents to constantly bitch about how her girlfriend is a fucking shithead."

Christen snorted. "Wow."

"What?"

"It's just that-the size of you're self esteem is comparable to rice. Not a bowl of rice though, just like, a grain. Maybe two if we're being generous."

"Is there a reason I should have more?"

"Yes. So many. I could list them if you want."

"Please don't."

"You're an fantastic soccer player, an amazing musician, an infuriatingly intelligent person, you have a moral issue with alcohol-"

"Oh, you're doing it anyway, okay."

"-and you're fucking beautiful. There's more but I can't get them off the top of my head."

"Self esteem is overrated."

"It really isn't."

"Can we talk about something else now? Like anything else?"

"Yes. We can talk about why you shouldn't make _any_ dick jokes at dinner with Alex's family."

"I'm going home."

^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^

**Sunday, November 11, 2017**

Julie's not nervous. She's really not. For a second though, she thought she was. A sinking feeling hit her hard right before she rang the doorbell. Her finger hovered right in front of the button.

As she was walked up the pathway a few seconds ago, she saw Alex's family sit at their dining table, probably waiting for her.

Then she realized it wasn't because she was nervous, it was because envious. Jealous even. She wished she had that. A family to eat dinner with. Of course, she had Christen's family, but it's not the same.

But she shook it off, ignored the pang that she felt almost physically and pushed herself to ring the door bell. Alex opened the door and an automatic smile appeared on her face, just at the sight of her.

"Julie! Hey, I wasn't a hundred percent you'd show up," Alex hugged her and they quickly kissed.

"Of course. Anything for you."

Alex pulled away and looked at her up and down. "Really? You couldn't have dressed up a little bit?" she said. Julie smirked.

"God, you and Christen..." she shook her head jokingly. Alex grabbed her hand and tugged her to the dining room.

"Julie, these are my sisters Jeni and Jeri, and my parents. Guys, this is Julie, my girlfriend," Alex said. Julie smiled, but didn't get the same in return. Alex's family just stared at them, frozen in their last pose before Alex started talking. Her father had stopped chewing and seems to have forgotton to swallow. One of her sisters started to laugh hysterically. Julie glanced over at Alex and saw an anxious face and realized what had just happened.

"Alex, did you just-"

"Yeah."

"Oh."

Alex's mother was the first to snap out of it. "Julie, nice to meet you. I'm Pam. Come sit, please," she pulled out chair for her and gave her a plate.

"Pam, our daughter just-"

"Not now Michael."

As Julie sat down, she grinned at her girlfriend, who stopped borderline hyperventilating and grinned back. Jeri caught Alex's eye and mouthed "Pool house girl?" She nodded excitedly.

"Hi, I'm Jeri."

"Jeni."

"Julie," she shook their hands over the table. "Nice to meet you. I'm sorry if my being here surprised anyone."

"No, no, it's okay. You look familiar though. Have we met before?" Mrs.Morgan asked as she passed her a bowl of mashed pototoes.

"No, I don't believe so, but you might have seen me. I'm a captain of varsity soccer team and trumpet section leader in the marching band."

"Damn Alex, you bagged a good one this time. Not like like that other jackass-"

"God Jeni, shut up," Alex mumbled. Julie giggled.

Conversation continued for a while as Alex's family tried to simulataneously get to know her and come to terms with the fact that their youngest member just came out. Julie held Alex's hand under the table because of how tense she could sense she was, but as time went on she could feel her loosen up. Alex's father had yet to say anything though.

"So, Julie," he cleared his throat. "How are your grades?"

"Dad," Alex protested. Julie laughed.

"Right now I have around a 4.6, 4.7-ish. The marching and soccer seasons are both over now so I'm hoping to pull those up," Alex made eye contact with Julie, eyebrows raised in suspicion.

"Oh? Looking at any colleges?" Mr.Morgan said. Alex's face was buried in her hands, while her girlfriend had a little smirk on her face, clearly enjoying it.

"Well actually I've already been accepted into a couple colleges, uh, full rides. Stanford, Santa Clara, U of I, those kinds of schools. I don't know, but wherever I end up going I'm majoring in music and playing soccer, 'cause that's where I got all my scholarships from."

"What about careers?"

"Oh my god, Dad, she's seventeen," Alex mumbled.

"I'm hoping to go into professional soccer after college, but if that doesn't work out I always have music to fall back on."

"Those are two very risky jobs you're thinking about."

"Well yeah, but I've been getting pretty consistent youth national team call-ups for the last couple years, and the majority of my scholarships are from music programs so I'd say my chances are okay," Julie said. She and Mr.Morgan engaged in a tense staring contest. His was really more of a glare though, while hers was quite the opposite.

"Jesus, you're awesome," Jeni gawked.

"Um, thanks," she said, suddenly feeling awkward at the compliment.

"Now why couldn't either of you have dated someone like her when you were in highschool?" Mrs.Morgan said.

"Mom!"

"Well I'm sorry honey, but she just makes all those guys look like crap."

Mr.Morgan cleared his throat. "What about your family?" The smile slowly dropped from her mouth and she blew out a puff of air.

"Dad, no," Alex said firmly.

"What, Alex? You bring home this random girl you're apparently dating, suddenly you're gay, and you're expecting us to not want to know who she is and what kind of family she comes from?"

"Yes! Because guess what? It's the 21st century, so excuse me for thinking my family would be accepting of whoever I decide to date!"

"It doesn't matter what gender she is that you're dating, it's that fact that you just sprang all of this on us twenty minutes ago!"

"Um..." Julie murmured shakily. All eyes turned to her. "Um, my family is...not great. My dad's an alcoholic and, God, I don't even know which country my mom is in right now and uh, there's some other stuff. But it's okay, because I spend a lot of time at Christen's and I have you're daughter and all my other friend, so it's-it's alright."

Alex glared at her father and spat, "You're an ass," then grabbed Julie's forearm and pulled her upstairs and to her room.

"Are you okay?" Julie asked immediately.

"Ugh, why do you always have to be so fucking selfless? My dad just fucking interrogated you and-and-" Alex stuttered as she paced around the room, fists balled as she tried to relieve herself of the tension in her shoulders that always accompanied this level of anger.

"And just because he pulled that whole stereotypical dad thing doesn't mean it's a bigger deal than you exploding on him and basically accusing him of being a homophobe," Julie said gently, watching her try to get all her rage out(and failing).

"But you just told them-"

"I know what I just told them and it sucks that they know that about me now, but I'm okay, alright? Really, I am," she walked over to Alex and gently held her hand.

"He's such an asshole!"

"I've met worse," they laid down on the bed, side by side, gazing at the ceiling. Alex groaned.

"Why do you always have to have such a level god damn head?"

Julie chuckled. "There are a lot of things in the world that makes me a hell of a lot more pissed off than you are now. This just isn't one of them."

They laid there, watching the ceiling fan spin around and around, a soft whir coming from the middle mechanism. Suddenly Alex snorted. "You lied to my dad about your GPA?"

"Uh, actually I didn't. I've been doing homework and everything for a while and they've been improving. Turns out that stuff really does help."

Alex was shocked. "What? Why? I mean, like, I know it's not important to you, and especially now since we're seniors and nothing matters as much anymore..."

"For you. Like, yeah, it's pretty symbolic, I guess, but if it's important to you it's important to me too. A few weeks, maybe a month before we started dating I just thought it'd be a nice, you know, just a little pick-me-up for a rainy day. Looks like it paid off, yeah?"

"Yeah," Alex whispered. She was almost crying, that was so sweet. "What did I do to deserve you?"

"Oh, more than you'll ever know," Julie squeezed her hand gently.

Later, Alex flipped open her laptop and they watched an episode of The Office together. Julie ran her finger along a seam on the soccer ball Alex got at the WNT game. Alex watched her traced Hope's signature and remember a question she meant to ask earlier. "Hey, what happens on the 21st?"

"What?"

"Hope said she'd call on the 21st. It a special occasion or what?"

Julie sighed. "Uh, I wouldn't call it a special occasion, but it's a significant day-um, wait no, it's-significant isn't the right word. It's just a day that's just different from the rest, I guess. I dunno, it's just a thing we do every year. I'll tell you about it later," her voice had dropped a few levels, making it quite obvious it was touchy subject.

"Oh, okay."

Someone knocked on the door. "Y'all better not be having sex in there 'cause we're coming in," it was Alex's sisters. The door opened and they came in with pitying looks. "Julie, I'm really sorry about Dad, that was a real dick move."

"Don't sweat it, Alex was more pissed than I was," Alex scoffed and swatted her arm. "What? You were the like damn Hulk."

"You know for a high school senior, you're pretty accomplished," Jeni said. Julie blushed.

"I don't know, I guess you could say that, but I try not to think about it like that."

"Speaking of which, why'd you tell my dad about your college admissions? You haven't even told Christen's family about that yet," Alex said.

Julie shrugged, "I wanted to win."

Alex and her sisters talked for a while, mostly about her surprise revelation at the beginning of dinner. Julie fell asleep on her shoulder. Her soft snores brought the attention to her. "Al, don't take this the wrong way, but you're girlfriend is really fucking hot," Jeri said.

"Really?" she moved a lock of hair off her face. "I think she's adorable."

A little while after ten, Alex woke her up and drove her home. She was waved off at the door with a kiss good night, being told jokingly "Christ, Morgan, I'm not a damn cripple, I don't need help into bed."

After she got home though, she walked right up to her parents bedroom and threw to door open. "What the hell, Dad?"

Mr.Morgan patiently placed a bookmark on his page and set it down beside him. "Hey, am I not allowed to make sure whoever my daughter is dating is good enough for her?"

"No, you're not! Because guess what? I'm the one who's not good enough for her. Why can't you just be happy if I'm happy?" Alex sniffled and wiped away her angry tears. "So then what, do you hate her just because she had good answers to your stupid questions? Or do you just hate her because she's with me, even if these last couple months have been some of my favorite ever because of her?"

Mr.Morgan stayed quiet. Alex scoffed stormed out of the room. A groan followed her out, along with a "Michael, you dumbass." Her mother walked into her room and sat on the edge on her bed.

"For what it's worth, I think she's a keeper."

She turned and stared over at the soccer ball on the night stand. "Yeah, I think so too."

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helllooloooooooo  
> So this was another longish chapter. I swear i had a reason for that first part, but i kinda forgot what it is, so you guys just get to enjoy an extra part that really has no relevence to the overall plot.


	14. Chapter 14

_Thursday, November 22, 2017_

"Happy Turkey Day, fuckers!" Kelley yelled giddily as she walked into the lockers, followed by Emily, both excited for the food that accompanies this historic day. It was empty, except for her friends. The room felt all out of place, all the backpacks and cases off the floor and in their proper places. It didn't feel like the same place that all of their fellow band nerds had spent hours of their days at.

School was technically closed, but it always stays open on days like these for students who want to drop by for whatever reason. The band room should be locked, if not for a particular tradition among the trumpet section leaders that had survived through the years. It's quite a large, certainly insane and ridiculous, ceremony in which every new section leader finds a way to steal Ellis' key to the band room, make a copy, then put it back. It had been a long tradition, but one that nobody really knows for sure if it really exists, except for those who had done it. There was speculation(in addition to some absurdly inaccurate rumors) since every year, trumpet section leaders magically just have a key to the band room, but nobody really knows, something that Tobin pesters Julie and Kelley about constantly.

"Kel, this is the one day of the year where we're supposed to be nice to each other," Christen complained.

"And yet here we are, breaking and entering into the band room on our day off."

"Technically it's not breaking if we already have a key. It's just entering," Julie said.

"Well, to be fair, I've heard trespassing is also somewhat illegal," Tobin quipped.

"I guarentee we've all done worse. Uh, maybe not them, but..." Kelley nodded in Christen and Alex's direction.

"Kelley, is there a reason you're making us come into school on Thanks-fucking-giving?" Alex snapped.

"Ooh, Alex is grumpy today. I like it."

" _Kelley_."

"My mom wants to know if you guys and your families want to come to a party after dinner at my house tonight."

"And you couldn't have just texted us? You know we have like, ten groupchats with these exact people in it, right?" Tobin said.

"So what, it's a crime to wanna see my friends?"

"Today it is."

"Fine. My grandparents are coming and they are definitely _not_ fit for the twenty first century. If they found out I have a girlfriend...they would not be happy. They also just happen to be assholes anyway, so I'm trying to avoid seeing them for a couple hours, wait it out until I can go pick up my brother from the airport."

Everybody relaxed, mostly out of pity. "My family'll be there," Tobin said. The others said something similar, except for Julie. They all turned to her expectantly.

"Uh, yeah, I'll go," she said quietly. Not many caught wind of the difference, but Alex did, and leaned into her shoulder, hugging her arm.

"Great."

They stayed for a while until the bell for fourth period rang. Kelley and Emily went to get lunch, Tobin and Christen went home, but Alex and Julie stayed. They ended up in the gym with a bag of soccer balls, taking shots at a big industrial door at one end.

"We're not gonna do this forever, right? Because I didn't get that much sleep last night, and don't get me wrong, I love soccer, but I'm running on fumes right now," Julie said.

"What do you wanna do then?"

"I got a lot of keys. We could go make out in my sophmore chem classroom."

"What's with you and keys?"

"Whenever I get a bitchy teacher I steal a set of their keys. Turns out I get a lot of bitchy teachers," she held up her car keys, which had a separate ring with about twelve keys on it.

"Maybe they turn into bitchy teachers because you don't do homework and then sleep through their class."

"It's possible, yes."

"Julie, where are you eating dinner tonight?" Alex asked.

"Christen's. I always eat dinner at Christen's, even if it's not Thanksgiving. Why?"

"I dunno, I just wanted to make sure, 'cause...uh, you know."

Julie chuckled. "Yeah, I get it. Look, you don't have to worry about me, about this stuff. I lived here three years before you and I started hanging out. I got my shit locked down, okay?" she leaned over and kissed her gently. "But thank you for asking. It really means a lot to me."

"Of course, Jay," she whispered. "How can someone so unfortunate be so sweet?"

"Because I'm with my favorite person, and she brings out the best in me," Alex grinned, which made Julie grin. "Now that we're happy, I have a bitchy teacher to get back at."

"Are you serious?"

"What, not up for it, Morgan?" Julie said tauntingly.

And then Julie whisked her away to the science wing to do very not-school appropriate things in her sophmore year chem classroom.

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Julie just wanted to take a nap. A short nap. Maybe a half hour, give or take a few minutes, before helping Mrs.Press with making dinner. She didn't get to sleep until three AM and then a car alarm woke her at six.

"Stacy, who is this girl sleeping on your couch?" a female voice asked. Julie opened her eyes to find a middle aged woman bending down and inspecting her closely, their faces only about five inches apart.

"Hi, I'm Julie," she murmured. "Um, not to be rude, but who the hell are you and why do you look like you're about to kiss me?"

The womam looked absolutely appalled and made a cartoonish sounding stuck-up gasp. From the kitchen, Christen seemed to have taken notice. "Shit! Uh, Aunt April," Christen ran into the room and rapidly tapped Julie's shoulder until she sat up. "this is our neighbor Julie. She's eating dinner with us."

"Neighbor? I assume she comes from that unkempt, ghastly house next door?"

Julie was perplexed(and slightly offended). "Who the fu-"

"JJ, why don't you go help with dinner?" Christen basically pushed her off the couch and into the kitchen. On the way, she glanced at the clock. "Holy shit, I've been sleeping for two hours? I told you guys to wake me up after thirty minutes!"

"Well honey, you looked like you needed the sleep," Mrs.Press said.

Julie leaned across the island and whispered, "I don't like her."

"Neither do we," Channing said. Tyler swatted the back of her head.

"She's right over there, dumbass."

Julie turned to Tyler, who she hadn't seen since August when she left for college. "And when the hell did you get here?" she asked.

"About an hour and a half ago."

"I was sleeping for three hours. What happened in three hours...?" Julie mumbled and picked up a potato peeler and helped Channing peel the rest of the potatoes.

"No, no, no," Mrs.Press took the potato peeler out of her hands. "You are going to go upstairs, take a shower, then get something nice to wear for dinner from Christen's room."

"But I want to help! You let me eat Thanksgiving dinner here every year and you never let me help," she whined. Mrs.Press glared at her and she sighed. "Fine. You know I have nice clothes to wear at my house though, right?"

"Well yes, but I don't like when you go to your house, so you're staying here," Mrs.Press gave Julie a small shove out into the hallway. She stopped just after the door frame and turned around. All of the Press women, including Christen, stopped what they were doing and looked at her.

"I...I just want all of you to know how much I appreciate you guys letting me be here and treating me like family. Happy Thanksgiving, Presses," she said. As she left, she traced the smooth wood frame of a family photo on the wall. She was in it.

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**Sunday, August 9, 2015**

_Mr.Press arranged his two youngest daughters to sit on the swinging bench in their backyard, their dogs perched obediently in front of them, pressured on time because Tyler has to leave for college in a half hour. Mrs.Press fussed about everything else that could possibly be in the picture, including a nondescript plant in the backround. Julie waited on the deck with a camera, thankfully shaded by a large tree, watching with amusement as the family tried to perfect whatever the could. She made eye contact with Channing, who glanced back at her mother, annoyed, and they giggled together. Christen looked at her too, but didn't share their smiles. She cocked her head thoughtfully, then caught the attention of her father and said something that Julie couldn't hear at her distance. She shrugged it off and played with the settings on the camera. When Mrs.Press stood in her place, making last minute fixes of her hair, Julie stepped up onto a rock, assuming that it was time now._

_"Everyone ready?" she yelled. As they made last preperations, she gazed through the view finder to make sure everything looked okay._

_"Wait!" Mr.Press ran inside the house for a moment, then came back with a tripod. He took the camera from Julie and set it to a timed photo. A hand on the small of her back, he gently guided her to the swings. Halfway there, she realized what was happening._

_"Wait, hold up, I'm not part of-"_

_"You are now."_

_"But I-I'm not wearing nice enough clothes!"_

_"It doesn't matter," he deposited her on the end of the swing next to Christen. Mrs.Press placed a hand on her shoulder and squeezed it. As the camera took it's three automatic pictures, she felt quite out of place, both in the fact that she was so obviously not a member of the family and that she was wearing shorts and a t-shirt, in comparison to everyone elses sundresses and shirt and tie._

_Regardless, she smiled widely. Even more so when she watched Mr.Press hammer a nail into the plaster and hang up the picture, a heartwarming moment in her life now immortalized on the wall._

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**Thursday, November 22, 2017**

Mr.Press said grace over the abundance of food at the table. Channing's hand shifted a little and her index finger scratched Julie's palm. Julie's eyes shot open and involuntarily wiggled her arm suddenly, bumping her plate in the process. Aunt April opened her eyes too to glare at them. Christen kicked Julie's shin under the table, which she passed onto Channing.

"Amen," Mr.Press said. Everyone else repeated it and then began passing around bowls of food. Immediately the attention was turned to Tyler to bombard her on questions about how college is going and the like. Julie talked with Christen and Channing, mostly about band and soccer. Even though Christen doesn't play for a club or school team, she's still strangely good at soccer, and a force to be reckoned with in pick-up games. Everyone once in a while, Julie would catch Aunt April's everlasting scowl pointed in her direction and she would smirked smugly at her.

"Julie?" Mrs.Press said loudly. The table stopped at her tone and turned to the blonde girl dining among them.

Julie swallowed the lump of mashed potatoes in her mouth. "Yes?"

"Now, I've been very patient, but Christen already got all her early admission letters back weeks ago, so I know you have yours."

"Oh...shoot. Uh..." she mumbled, gazing down at her half eaten plate, wondering how she can dodge the question to preserve the surprise for it's intended time.

"Oh, honey. I'm sorry," Mrs.Press said sadly.

"No! No, no, no," Julie chuckled timidly. "I-I was just-I was gonna wait until your birthday in a couple weeks, but um, if you wanna know now, then yeah, I got my letters back."

Mrs.Press squealed. Quite loudly. Mr.Press clasped his hand on her shoulder with a warm smile. Christen got a cupcake from the fridge that they had preemptively gotten for this moment(lemon, her favorite). Tyler was disappointed that none of the colleges Julie applied to was the one that she was going to, but got over it quickly when she realized that now she had the opportunity to "kick your ass on a college level." Even though she didn't think it was really a big deal, Julie let everyone else freak out around her, smiling politely when others looked at her so she doesn't seem rude. The happiness that radiated around the table now was infectious, and despite the knawing pull of lethargy in her head, she felt a lot better.

Making other people happy had always been something that rose her spirits. The contagious grins and laughter made her insides glow, just thinking that it all happened because of her. It made her feel accomplished.

After dinner, everybody either went to Kelley's or went home. Julie told them she would come a little later, heading home to FaceTime family in Arizona.

Really, she had called her relatives hours before.

She went home, changed into more comfortable clothes, then trudged upstairs. It was pretty empty up there. The walls were a dull grey, but not the kind of grey someone would see in a house. More like in a stuffy museum or a dentist office. To be honest, every time Julie comes up here, it doesn't really feel like it's part of her house. It feels foreign.

A pointless table leaning against the wall with fake, faded flowers in a vase had gathered a thick layer of dust. Julie wrote her name in big letters across the center right below the vase, followed by a small smiley face.

Another thing to note was that all of the doors were open, except one. Without hesitation, she opened the door, with enough force for it to give her full view of the room behind it, but not enough for it to go slamming into the wall.

Julie stared for a moment. Of course, everything was just how she left it the last time she was in here, but the waves of absolute distress and nostalgic delight kept her feet in place, if only for a couple seconds.

She sat in the desk chair and fiddled with the trinkets on the desk. A pair of drum sticks lay askew next to some pencils and pens, left over from years ago when she would do homework in there, which she used to tap the snare drum pad on an electronic drum set in the corner.

She breathed deeply for a second, scratching the arm rest with her fingers. "Hi Carli. I know you're probably looking down at me from heaven and like, getting so tired of me coming in here and acting like I can talk to you, but it's Thanksgiving and today is supposed to be about family, but, uh, you know. I mean, the Presses really have been treating me like family and everything, but I wanted to talk to you for a little bit."

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Kelley hummed the tune of her favorite movement from this year's marching band show as she beat Tobin at pool. Alex juggled her own pool cue between her hands as she waited to play Christen.

They were all hanging out in Kelley's basement while all the adults drank and bragged about their kid's achievements upstairs. One seemed to be missing though.

"Chris, where's Julie?" Alex asked, glancing at the clock.

"I don't know. She went home after dinner and said she'd ride her bike or something. Should've been here a while ago, even if she walked," Christen said, not even making an attempt to move because she knew Alex was about to go on a hunt for her girlfriend.

Upstairs, she asked Mrs.Press if she knew where she was. Surprisingly, Julie showed up about a half hour ago, but she didn't know where she was now. So Alex checked the top floor. All the lights coming from bedrooms were off, but one was open just a little bit more than the others and had soft snores coming out of it.

Alex pushed it the rest of the way open and flipped on the lights in Kelley's bedroom. Julie was sleeping above the covers on Kelley's bed, still with her shoes on like she couldn't be bothered enough to take them off before passing out.

Quietly, Alex laid down next to her. The movement woke her up. "A-Alex?"

"Hey."

Julie groaned and pushed herself up a little. "What time is it?"

"7:30."

"Ugh," she rested her head on Alex's chest.

"How was dinner?"

"Good. Mrs.Press found out about my college admissions," Julie said, flatly and slurred.

"Oh? How'd she react?"

"She flipped the fuck out."

Alex chuckled. "She should. You deserve it."

"Ironic isn't it that the one person would hates doing anything education related gets free rides to college?"

"Really more infuriating than ironic, but..." Alex said, feigning bitterness. She could see Julie was practically already asleep again, so she didn't try to start another conversation. Instead, she texted Christen that she found her and took a picture of them, deeming it too cute for a story, so she posted it on her Instagram.

A loud clattering downstairs woke Julie again, cursing God for not letting her sleep.

"Yes, because I'm sure God took time out of his busy schedule just to pester you," Alex said sarcastically.

"Yeah, He does that a lot. Kind of annoying, but I can't really tell Him that because you know, he's God," Julie said loudly, looking up at the ceiling like she meant for God to hear it. She sat up, cross legged across from Alex. "So, how was your Thanksgiving?"

"It was fine. My dad asked about you."

Julie snorted. "Really? I thought he hates me."

"He's coming around. He wanted to know how we got together."

"And what did you tell him?"

"That we met in school. I thought telling him the truth might be a little too personal."

"Thanks," Julie smiled weakly, still a little sleepy.

"No problem. How's Morgan and Zach?"

Julie tensed up a little bit. "Zach's doing good. His football team just won state. He scored the winning touchdown and he got so fucking happy because they wrote an article about him in the school paper."

"And Moe?"

"Uh..." Julie's expression darkened quickly. "I-I don't really know. I haven't talked to her since she went back to Arizona," Julie said quietly.

"Why not?"

"Because I was pissed! And then I wasn't pissed because I realized that I've done stupid shit when I was upset but she didn't get all pissy like I did but I didn't know how to talk to her again and now I feel like it's been too long and it's a big fucking mess," Julie rambled anxiously. Alex smiled. "What?"

"No, nothing, I was just-I think it's cute when I get to see you get worked up over things instead of me."

"Shut up," she whined. "What am I supposed to do?"

"Call her. Or at least text."

"Seriously? Aren't you mad too?"

"Well, I mean...no, not really. I won in the end, so it's just kinda like..." Alex shrugged. "Now go fucking call he already."

"But what if all awkward because of what happened or she's mad because I waited so long?"

"Oh my god, you're overthinking this way too much. She'll be happy just to hear from you and find out you're not mad anymore, so go. Now," Alex nearly pushed her off the bed as encouragement.

"Later?"

"No, you're gonna forget. Now go fucking call her!" this time Alex actually pushed her off the bed. She watched Julie pull up Morgan's contact in her phone, but hesistated, so Alex grabbed the phone and dramatically pressed the button for her.

Julie held up the phone to her ear and was about to go out into the hallway, but did a double take to come back and kiss Alex. "Thank you for not being mad too."

"GO!" Alex pointed at the door.

"Okay, Jesus."

Out in the hall, Julie slid down the wall and sat on the floor. Every ring made her nerves shake just a little more. Then they stopped.

"Hey."

 

 

 


	15. Chapter 15

**Tuesday, December 4, 2017**

Snow rains down for the first time this year, more like a blizzard than normal snow fall. A thick layer of snow had already collected on the ground, which Kelley immediately took advantage of.

"Kelley, what the fuck?" Tobin exclaimed, shaking off the remnants of a snowball from her face. Some freshman also got hit a little bit. "We're inside, for fucks sake!"

"Oh come on, this room has taken worse," Kelley looked around at the instrument compartments around them. Some looked fine, and others were literally falling apart. "And it's not like janitors won't clean it up. I mean, people empty their spit in here all the time. What's a little snow?"

Alex walked in and saw her best friends squabbling about the snowball. "Kelley, didn't Ellis yell at you about this last year?"

"Well yeah, but she never comes in here and the guy who snitched on me quit, so I'm in the clear," as she spoke, Kelley pulled out another snowball from her jacket pocket. Alex saw before she could throw it and squashed it before it left her hand. "Damnit, Alex!"

"Oh my god, you idiot, go to jazz," Alex pointed at the door with one hand and pushed Kelley with the other. Pulling up a chair, she sat down and waited for Julie to come to say hi before she went to jazz too. She was still cold from the December weather and pulled her coat closer to her body.

Oddly, Julie never showed up. Christen came in alone twenty minutes later, well after jazz had begun. "Christen, where's JJ?"

Christen shrugged. "Sick, I think, but you never really know with her. Been kinda quiet the last few days, so it might be true this time. Might wanna check on her after school."

"Oh, okay," Alex didn't even realize she hasn't heard from her girlfriend much lately, but now that she thinks about it, she was being kind of distant yesterday at school.

"Yeah. I used to do that whenever she misses school, but you're here now, so I guess I don't have to. I gotta go, I promised that bass clarinet freshman I'd help him with his geometry, but text me how she is later, alright?" Alex agreed, and after Christen left, she sat in her chair, still, for a full seven seconds before deeming the lockers too boring with no one to talk to and left, earbuds jammed firmly in her ears. She began walking in a loop around the school, first through the science wing, then math, then english, and then through the fine arts hallway again. It was a pretty big, well funded school. The facilities there were amazing(although the same can't be said about some of the teachers). In spite of this, students there had always been known to go to good colleges.

Her first day in school without Julie(leaving out that one panicked day in September). She had always heard her friends talking about how Julie would call in "sick" to school sometimes, but it hasn't happened since they had started hanging out-Alex likes to think there's some correlation. Given what Christen said, it wasn't totally unreasonable to say she was actually sick today, and hoped it was so.

She sent Julie a quick text and shoved her phone back in her pocket. The music playing in her ears was a playlist Julie made for her, and she loves it. A mix of upbeat pop and modern rock, with the addition of the original Louis Armstrong La Vie En Rose, even if it was slightly out of place. She didn't mind though. It was these small things that Alex found charming. The little efforts.

Lost in the music and walking on auto-pilot, she would have been unpleasantly surprised by any interruption, especially this one.

A hand clasped on her mouth and another pulled her into an empty classroom. A jolt of shock flooded through her body. Immediately her hand balled into a fist and came so close to punching her assailant. Instead, she opened her fist and smacked him several times on the head. "Serv, what the fuck?"

Servando laughed and removed his hands. "Relax, Alex. I saw you coming and I just had to have a little fun," he winked.

"Jesus, you scared the shit out of me!"

Servando laughed and sat on a desk, flashing his cocky smirk. "So what have you been up to, Morgan?"

_Don't call me that, asshole._

"Oh you know, same things you've been doing. Soccer, school, fucking girls. Life's been nice," she said casually, quite amused when he visibly straightens up, muscles tense.

"'Fucking girls'? So then what, you're a lesbian now?" he said defensively, as if her dating girls was somehow a personal shot at him. Alex's subtle smirk faltered a little, not liking where the conversation was heading.

"Don't know. I haven't decided yet."

"Oh? Then allow me to tip the scales," he took a step forward, so she took a wide step back in an attempt to make the space between them obvious.

"Jesus, you're just ready to stick your dick in anything that has a vagina, aren't you?" Alex snapped.

Servando chuckled arrogantly. "What happened to my sweet Alex, hmm?"

"She met someone new. Someone better than you. A lot better than you, actually, in every conceivable fucking way. Except being an asshole, so you don't have to worry, you're still the reigning champ."

He scowled. "Ah yes, I heard about this. Julie Johnston was it? The girl who got suspended last year for putting Kool-Aid powder in the school water tanks. You'd rather date her than me?"

Alex scoffed. "And you wonder why I broke up with you."

"No, seriously though, you're Alex Morgan. You could have anyone at this school and you choose her?" he said incredulously.

"Aww, did I bruise your fragile man ego? Want me to kiss the boo-boo?"

He walked up close to her. Too close. "Yes, I do actually."

"You're a fucking pig, you know that?" she pushed him away and stomped out the door.

"You know I'm right Alex!" he shouted after her.

Something she did owe to Julie was how bold she was becoming. Less of the timid, studious nerd girl that her friends knew and more of the brave, strong figure everyone else thought she was(while still retaining much of those shy characteristics).

Tears pooled in her eyes from how angry she was. There was still twenty minutes left until class, and going to the band room while she was this upset didn't seem like the right thing to do. It's a place where people go to unwind with friends before school, and distrupting that by raging about Servando to people who had never met the guy before felt wrong. Instead, she went to an empty stairwell and sat under the steps, head in her hands against the wall.

_Goddamn it, why did you choose today to not be here?_

Alex sniffles and wiped away her tears. She laid down on the carpet, using her backpack as a makeshift pillow, as the uncomfortable nauseous pit in her stomach grew. Things like this always made her feel anxious. That and tests, soccer games-before, during and for some reason after, marching competitions, presentations, performances, and mostly everything in between. It was pretty safe to say Alex was not nearly as laid back and her girlfriend.

_Breathe. In, out, in out._

_It's not even eight in the morning yet and I'm was already hyperventilating. Wonderful._

Alex stayed there until it was time to head to Psych. Usually she walks there with Tobin since Julie had class elsewhere in the school, but today she wasn't feeling like walking all the way back to the band room, so she went upstairs and sat quietly in her seat until Tobin arrived.

"Hey Al, why weren't you in the lockers? You missed the funniest shit Kelley did."

Alex shook her head. "I was out for a walk," she murmured.

Tobin must have noticed her mood difference. "Everything alright?"

"Yeah, I-I'm just not feeling it right now."

"Anything I can do to help?"

"No," she said firmly. Tobin took the hint and stopped pestering her. As more of their classmates walked in, their teacher wrote **PRESENTATIONS TODAY** on the board, and below that **ALL STUDENTS WILL PRESENT THIS PERIOD**

"Oh shit," Tobin mumbled. "I forgot that was today."

Alex did too. A pang of anxiety came rushing back. Public speaking was always something that frightened her. The attention that was focused on her while she was up front of the classroom was something that she never dealt with well, and it didn't help that she was also being graded on her presenting skills.

"Oh shut up, we both know you'll do fine," she snapped. Tobin was her partner, and while Alex knew far more about their subject, she would also be the one to fumble over words and butcher explanations, whereas Tobin would be perfectly relaxed and at ease while reading off notecards.

Without even noticing, Alex tapped her pencil incessantly against the edge of her desk, frantically looking over the information on her notecards, though she doesn't need to. Normally she wouldn't be this nervous(not to say she wouldn't be at all, but less), but with what just happened with Servando it was just adding on to the trash heap that has been her day so far.

"Alex, you need to relax. It's three an a half minutes talking about something that you know inside out."

"It's not the subject I'm worried about."

"Oh, uh, yeah, right."

The bell rang and after their teacher set up the projector and pulled up the presentations that students shared with her, hands shot up, eager to get it over with. As more and more people presented, the pit in her stomach grew.

Waiting to do it, the sheer anticipation was almost as bad as standing up there. Alex knew that volunteering would probably help her nerves, to know when it would happen rather than it being sprung on her, but she was also too afraid to raise her hand. It was a catch-22.

Occasionally, Tobin would ask if she wanted to volunteer, but she always said no(and Tobin, being the angel that she is, would never volunteer them herself without Alex's consent, even though they both know she's the kind of person to be the first up there).

"Anyone else? No? Okay then," the teacher ran down the class list on her clipboard. "Tobin Heath, you and your partner are next."

Tobin squeezed her arm and smiled reassuringly as they walked up to the front. As a way to avoid looking at the mass of people in front of her, Alex shuffled through her notecards for the twenty seventh time since class started, which was really only a half hour ago.

Tobin began blabbing about ADHD, but she wasn't paying attention, which lead to a rude awakening when it was time for her half of the presentation. "A-ADHD in children is uh...um...i-it's-" and then she stopped. For a full six seconds, it was awkward, empty, and uncomfortable, but for Alex it was just pure terror as everybody in the room stared at her, some with pity, some with blank curiosity, and one asshole in the back looked very amused.

"Alex?" Tobin whispered.

"Yeah."

For the rest of the presentation, she managed to find her voice and keep the stuttering to a minimum, but that moment was now burned into her mind.

As soon as it was over, she walked over to the trash can, threw out her notecards, and promptly left without saying anything(not that anybody else did either).

Tears once again threatening to fall, Alex rushed to the bathroom and locked the door behind her, thankful it was empty at the moment. She rubbed her face and slid down the wall, unintentionally reenacting in what must be the most stereotypical movie crying scene ever.

She stayed there for about fifteen minutes, but kept coming back to one thought.

_I wish you were here with me today._

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From the second Julie woke up, she knew she wasn't going to go to school today. It was just one of those days, one where she just didn't have the motivation to get up and on with her day.

She groaned and slammed her hand down on her phone to call the school. Brightening up her voice to give the impression of a cheery adult, she called herself in sick, then put her phone back down on the bedside table and laid there for about three hours.

No lights, no music, and for the most part no movement. She was awake though, just without the energy to move or do anything that normal people do in the morning.

Most of the time she wakes up perfectly fine, and sometimes she doesn't. There's really no predictability. It can turn on a dime overnight. Lately though, she's been on a high, the best for a long time, maybe even in her whole life. The last few months have been great for her, for pretty obvious reasons. Or reason, to be more specific.

There were a couple summers where this was everyday. Where she wouldn't eat, go anywhere(except band and soccer practice when she had to), or enjoy things that used to make her ecstatic. Sometimes she picked fights with her father, but it never turned violent until recently.

Usually during the school year it becomes more manageable, and at times it just disappeared for a while. One and off, all through high school. Everyone wonders why she practices and trains so much, it's because she doesn't know when she won't want to anymore, so she gets everything in when she can.

Of course, she wouldn't ever tell anyone that. People worry, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that, but she doesn't like when it's about her. Something about everyone fussing about how she is and being in distress about her never sat well with her. Worrying others when she could just deal with it herself felt so futile, so she didn't. Like what the hell are they going to do about it? It didn't help that she was just naturally selfless. If someone else was hurt, they were a priority. Always.

A bird out her window started chirping. "Shut the fuck up, you goddamn piece of shit. It's December, what the hell are you still doing here?" she smacked her hand on the window through the blinds, surprised at the icey glass. She hadn't even realized it was snowing.

Around noon she got a 911 text from her cousin, asking her to call as soon as possible. Without hesitation, Julie called, assuming something was severely wrong and already thinking of when she can fly back to Arizona.

"Hey, Kate, everything alright?" she said. Kate sounded like she was crying.

"Yeah, uh, well no, um, Mom just had the baby. It's a boy. His name is Adam," she said, sniffling. It didn't sound like happy crying though.

"That's awesome!" Julie said, as energetically as she could.

"No, um, there's something wrong with him and uh, they don't know what it is yet or if he's even going to live past a year," Kate's voice cracked as she sobbed.

The small grin dropped from her face. "Oh. How-how are you guys doing?"

"Mom and Dad are pretty shaken. They're really upset right now."

"Tha-That's awful," Julie whispered. "I can um, fly back to Arizona during winter break if you guys want."

"No, you don't have to do that, but I just-I need someone to talk to for a couple minutes."

For a while, Julie sat on the phone with her cousin, listening to her sob her heart for her newborn brother. And when she got off the phone, she cried too.

_That poor kid._

Every couple weeks since he was conceived, Aunt Ellie would call her about the baby. She was so excited to have another child, even thought it's been fifteen years since her last one. Kate was pretty excited too. Everyone was.

For the next couple hours, she sat on her bed researching symptoms Kate had described to her, but it really only served to make her more stressed, so at last she discarded her laptop returned to sulking on her bed, but now with something new to plague her thoughts.

At four someone had rang her doorbell. She was contemplating whether she should open it or ignore it and hope they go away. Then she got a text from Alex saying it was her, so she rushed to the bathroom and quickly washed her face because she looked like shit, shook out her head, then trudged to the door.

"Hey! How are you feeling? Christen told me you were sick."

"Uh, yeah. Cough cough and uh...yeah," she trudged over to as chair, still not really having that much energy.

"You're not sick?"

"Not the sick you're thinking of," she mumbled to herself, not loud enough for Alex to hear.

"JJ what the fuck?"

"What?"

"How-you can't just not go to school whenever you want!"

"Why not? Sick people do it."

"And are you sick?"

"No?"

"Then shut the fuck up!"

"Alex, I just, you know, I-I just wasn't feeling it today..." Julie said, realizing halfway through her sentence that it wasn't helping her case.

"You weren't feeling it? Fuck you, you weren't feeling it! You know how much I needed you today? I had such a shit day and I wanted to talk to you so bad, but here you were, sleeping off the fucking day. I thought you changed! I thought you wanted to do better in school now!"

"I do! But I needed a break, okay?" Julie snapped.

"You needed a break? God, do you even hear yourself?"

"Alex-"

"No, fuck you!" Alex stormed out of the house, slamming the door harshly behind her. Julie stared at the door, blinked a couple times, then tilted back her head and groaned loudly. She got up, shoved her hands in her pajama pockets, and headed back to her room. On the kitchen island was a six pack of beer. She stopped and stared at it for a second.

_What if..._

_No_

She slammed her fist down on the countertop and went back to bed.

_What a wonderful fucking day today turned out to be._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought I'd write a chapter about them individually  
> Idk how many chapters there are gonna be, probably about 20 or 21.   
> Thx for reading this, it was kinda shit


	16. You Fucking Softie

**Thursday, December 13, 2017**

It's concert week. More specifically, concert _day_. Every year, tensions run high during this specific week, and it there had always been sort of a band-wide unspoken agreement that nobody fucks with Ellis or any assistents for a while. The band is quite large in comparison to most high schools, expected for this type of school, and managing it, especially during marching band season and concert week, is a task in and of itself, not even considering the fact that this is a very big group of high school students(which presents it's own set of difficulties). To help, some steer clear of the band room for the week, some stay extra to help out, and in Tobin, Kelley, and Julie's case, set up the chairs and stands in the auditorium during their study hall.

Really, Julie's always liked performing in concerts, even if it was soul-eatingly dull at times. Freshman band would perform(and yes, it was boring even when she herself was up there when she was a freshman). It would usually be some sort of stiff sounding Christmasesque song, even though Christmas is not the only holiday in December. Julie could never put of her finger on what sounds off about it, but she knows about half of it is because freshman are never that great musicians anyway.

Freshman bashing aside, she's always had fun sitting in the audience with Kelley and other trumpets while she waits for it to be their turn to perform, articulately numb music from the vast auditorium size playing in the background. Now that she was a senior though, a pang of longing hit her while she set up chairs and stands. It was their last holiday concert, and she was sad to see it go.

"You guys think you're gonna miss this concert when we're at college next year?" she asked. Kelley and Tobin also looking kinda sad by her question. Even if she was going to be a music major, high school band is like none other. Memories she would treasure forever.

"You fucking softie," Alex said. Nobody had noticed her walk in. Julie smiled weakly. Ever since she skipped school last week, things have been sort of weird. Alex said she was sorry because she was just worked up from her bad day, and Julie didn't quite know what to say, so she offered a lackluster apology. She knew she wasn't really sorry for not going to school that day, and she can only fake so much before her elementary school drama class skills give out.

Something Alex didn't notice though was that she was acting weird with everyone, and not just her.

"Hey Alex. Not to be rude, but what the hell are you doing here? I thought you had English," Kelley said.

"I dunno, there was some emergency or something and my teacher had to leave and didn't have time to get a sub, so now I'm here."

"Oh," Julie said. The pause that ensued could really only be described as awkward. "Okay, I'm gonna go get some more stands," and rushed out, more eager than what was natural. Alex groaned quietly and tipped to put her full weight on the wall, staring longingly at the spot that Julie used to be sitting up on the podium.

"You still haven't fixed it yet?" Kelley murmured.

"I'm trying! I really am. I-I just-I don't know how," Alex said, rather dejected.

"It'll be fine. You had a bad day and blew up. Happens to all of us," Tobin shrugged. "And she _did_ skip school, which most people would be pissed about."

"But I wasn't pissed about that," Alex admitted. "I dunno, I just wasn't. I think the only reason I was mad was because I had a shit day and I wanted her to be there, and she could've been but she wasn't."

"And that is a perfectly reasonable thing to be mad about! Just wait it out. JJ is never mad long," Tobin said. Outside in the hall, a set of shaky metal wheels came running up to the door, Julie riding on the bottom supports. She jumped off to steer it onto the stage so they can finish the rest of the band set up.

The entire time, a thick sense of uncomfortableness hung in the air. Everybody knew something was wrong, everybody knew what it was, but nobody wanted to even think about discussing it. Especially not Julie and Alex.

^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^

Alex smiled as the jazz band played during the pre-concert when parents and guests were arriving and seating themselves. The seniors all wore santa hats, something they had been consistently pestering Mrs.Ellis about for the last month. At some point in their holiday music, many of the musicians up their had taken solos, including Julie. It will always elude her how people came make up a solo _on the spot_ and still make it sound so good. She knows that just the prospect of doing it in front of this many people would be nerve racking enough to her, let alone the fact that they were displaying their own unique musical skills. She had asked Julie this once, to be answered with laughter and "That's what jazz is, Alex!"

Jazz will always be Julie's favorite form of music. To play, to listen to, even to compose and transpose. It was such a vast genre, and it will continue to amaze her well into adulthood. Alex always thought her child-like wonder was amusing and quite endearing. Especially the subtle, but joyous smile that creeps on her face.

"You're drooling," Christen mumbled jokingly. Alex glanced sideways at her, then down at her lap. "Just go talk to her, for God's sake. You'd be surprised how quickly she is to forgive and forget."

"I did talk to her!"

"No, you 'apologized'," Christen said with air quotes, "in your angry, stubborn Alex way. And you never know, maybe it's not even about this. Every year around this time she gets sort of weird. I think it's 'cause it's the holidays and everybody's all like 'Family!' for the whole month and hers is kinda, uh, you know, shit."

"Oh," Alex had never thought about it like that.

 

"Hey," Kelley whispered.

"Kell, this is literally the worst possible time to start a conversation," Julie whispered back, counting down the third of many off measures in the song.

"What's with you and Alex?"

"Later."

"We have eighteen measures."

"Kelley, I am about to murder you with your own fucking trumpet."

"Oh, come on."

"Seriously, you're about to die."

"You're stalling."

"Damn right I am," Julie smirked as the measure they had to come in on became extremely close.

Their song had come to a close and they hurried off the small stage the jazz band had performed on so Mrs.Ellis could begin the real concert. Julie made sure to avoid to persistent stare Alex had trained on her. They had sat in the back most row, a little apart from the others in their concert ensemble.

"So what's going on?" Kelley said.

"Kelley we're at a concert."

"We both know that means literally nothing to you in regards to talking. Plus, we're gonna be sitting here for a long ass time, so might as well talk about something."

"Well you can go tell Alex that I'm not mad or anything."

And that was the truth. She was never mad, things have been just sort of getting down since last Tuesday, the inevitable decline from her amzing(surprisingly not drug related) high.

"So then what, do you not like Alex anymore?"

"No! Jesus, no, it's just, it's kinda hard to explain, you know? But like, the important part is that you go back to her and tell her that it's not about her."

"JJ, she didn't send me to interrogate you."

"You should still go tell her that, and if nobody bothers me I'll try to have my shit together by Monday," she mumbled, suddenly engrossed in the freshman band's music. Kelley sighed. Alex did actually kind of asked her to ask, but that was besides the point.

Emily hopped over the back of the seat next to Kelley, much to the displeasure of an old couple sitting a few seats down. Julie, grateful for a diversion of Kelley's attention, spent the much of her down time texting Kate, something she's spent a lot of time doing. She's still debating whether or not she should book a flight to Arizona during winger break to support her family while they grieve for their new child, and it seems her aunt has fallen into a bout of postpartum depression(all the more reason).

Not that Kelley didn't notice, because she definitely saw her on websites looking for plane tickets to Arizona. She didn't make light of it though.

When it was time for them for their band to perform, Julie got up and shook out her limbs in a rushed attempt to rid herself of nerves. Usually, she doesn't get nervous at these concerts but in one particular song, she, as first chair trumpet, had a solo. An extremely difficult and complicated solo that she's been messing up basically every other run through, and although Julie has been practicing it, she wasn't up to her full confidence, and everyone could tell. People would give her smiles of what she could only assume was a mix of encouragement, reassurance, and pity, which she returned with a look that said "I would rather jump off a cliff wearing a flamingo costume than play this solo". She made fleeting eye contact with Alex which actually did boost her spirits a tad, but not enough to make a big difference.

Something that she's actually very proud of is her lack of stage fright. The mass of spectators in the auditorium didn't bother her in the slightest. It was the many consecutive times she hasn't quite hit it, and the jumble of notes in between the brackets on her sheet music that remind her how complex it was.

Fast forward to the last song on their set. The others had been long and orchestral, but this one was upbeat, ridden with triplets and fast, changing tempos. An amalgamation of popular holiday music that Julie now heavily despises.

Her lips were tired and she felt sick of playing this music. Nevertheless, she sat up a little straighter, took a deep breath for longer than usual, and began.

It was going great. There was two measures left and it was going better than she expected. For someone who just played an entire concert set, it sounded pretty good.

Then she fucked it.

One note, strangled and strained, weak and trembling, obviously wrong to even the most musically uneducated in the crowd. Frozen in shock with herself, she held it for longer than she should have and everything else spiraled out of control. Notes and fingerings were wrong, pitch was falling everywhere; it was a mess. Kelley shifted next to her, and just from the small noise it created, Julie could tell it was out of pity for her.

Ellis was kind enough to end the concert shortly after that. Julie rushed out of the auditorium, not even bothering to help put away chairs and stands with everyone else. It wasn't like nobody saw her leave because they definitely did, just that none of them thought it beneficial to stop her. Julie changed out of her black concert dress in an empty instrument lockers room, placed back on the rack, and left the band room.

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Alex watched Julie leave, the shaft of a music stand hanging in her hand. For some reason, she remained rooted in her spot. Two weeks ago she would have chased her down, done anything to make her feel better, but not today. Not now.

"Giver her a little bit of time, Alex," Tobin said. "This is like when we were sophmores and she accidently slid into this girl from Waukegan. Completely missed the ball. I mean, it wasn't really her fault, it was raining and the field was muddy and all the conditions were sort of awful...the point is they got a penalty and we almost lost the state semi-finals. Thank god nobody could barely see anything, let alone the goal," Tobin murmured. "She took it really hard. Really wanted to win that season and almost messed it up for everybody. She literally hid from the team under the bleachers, she was so upset. Can't even imgine what's happening in her head now," Tobin patted her on the shoulder and went to help a group of freshman who were struggling to get a cart of chairs out the door without hitting any parents pooling in the halls.

The auditorium stage clear and all parents having met with their kids, the rigidity of concert week had begun to relieve itself and now all there was left for Alex was to fix the situation with Julie(arguably the most difficult part). Fully ready for a possibly difficult conversation, she walked into the band room, but didn't find her there. She wasn't in the lockers either, though it was hard to tell with the abundance of people in there already(and it was a very real possibility that Julie was hiding from her in an instrument compartment, as she has before). Sifting through the throng of strangers in the hallway was absolutely out of the question, so she hoped Julie had picked a quieter, more private place to sulk.

Finally, Alex found her underneath the stage in a small, extremely dim room that leads into the stage pit. Really, the only reason she was able to see her was because a lock of her bright blonde hair was sticking out from the shield of her dark hoodie and caught some light from the door Alex just opened.

Wordlessly, she sat down next to her and thought about what to say. "You did great."

"No, I didn't," Julie whispered.

"Yes, you did. You're the best trumpet, maybe even the best musician in the band, and nobody else would have been better suited for that solo."

"And yet I fucked it up. Kelley should have done it."

"You're better than Kelley. I know that, you know that, Kelley knows that. This was some professional grade music and you are a seventeen year old kid playing in a school holiday concert. It's amazing what you did get right and you should be damn proud," Alex said. She could barely see anything, but managed to grasp Julie's hand in her own and squeezed it gently. "It was a hard piece, and I guarentee that if you go upstairs, everybody's gonna be telling you how awesome you did."

"Alex, the only reason they would say that is because nobody's ever going to come up to me and tell me I did shit, even though they should."

"No, they shouldn't, and if someone did there's about a hundred eighty people here who would kick their ass to the moon," Alex said. "I just want you to know that nobody is thinking any less of you because of what happened up there except you," Alex can feel the tension in Julie's muscles relax as she talked. "And you know there's always going to be more solos."

Julie scoffed indigantly. "Alex, I don't give a shit about future solos, I wanted to nail _this_ one!" she cried. An audibly stressed huff left her mouth and she said, much quieter, "I really thought I could do it this time."

And then it dawned on her. Julie didn't care about the concert, or how difficult the song really was, or even the couple hundred students and parents who had watched her mess up. She had spent so much time practicing this exerpt, and really wanted to prove to herself that she could do it, that she wouldn't let a few notes on a page beat her. And she failed.

It wasn't embarrassment, it was a personal defeat. Arguably a far more crushing blow. Humiliation fades with time, something that she might laugh about later in death. This is going to plague her for a long time.

"Hey," Alex said. "Hey, you did amazing. I know you don't believe me, but when you're old and people reference _your_ work because it's the best in the business, you are going to look back on this and not even care. We are all so proud of you, even if you're not."

Julie sniffled, and through the little light in the room, Alex could see a smile. "Thank you, Alex. Seriously, I know shit's been kinda hazy since last Tuesday and I really appreciate you being here."

"What happened with us?" Alex finally asked.

"Nothing, I promise. It's just some family stuff back in Arizona. Everything is, uh, fine, I might just need to go back during break for a little bit. It's nothing, don't worry about it," Julie stuttered, suddenly thinking of a haunting picture of Adam that Kate had sent her yesterday.

"Is that it?"

"...yes," Julie said hesitantly. Alex opened her mouth to argue about it, but realized now is not the time. Lucky it was dark and Julie can't see her deep scowl.

"Okay then," the mood was much lighter. Neither of them spoke, hands still resting together on the cold carpet between them. Julie pulled a little metal flip lighter from her backpack that Alex recognized from the day she showed up and slept in her pool house. She lit up the room with the small flame("You couldn't have done that earlier?") and now Alex could finally see the bright smile she was so used to.

"What?"

"What, I can't just be smiling?"

"Not after you were crying five minutes ago!"

"It's nothing, really."

"Come on! What is it?"

Julie snorted. "It's just that, you know, you-"

"Me? I finally did something to make the Great Julie Johnston laugh?"

"You...you came out to your parents by bringing me to dinner and saying 'This is who I'm dating'. Still makes me laugh."

"Are you fucking serious? That was over a month ago!"

"Yeah, I know. Like, I still can't believe it. You did something so...me. You pulled a me!"

"Yeah I know, I'm becoming more like you," Alex said distastefully. "Awful, isn't it?"

"Wow, thanks."

"You're welcome baby," she pecked her playfully. "Look at that, a sappy end to a shitty day."

"Well see, now you've ruined it."

 


	17. I'm Uh, Sending A Letter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> K im pretty sure this is going to be 21 chapters and they get kinda long after this one. :( just wanna get this done in however many i intended

**Friday, December 21, 2017**

The band room is always animated during finals week. It was the last day of midterms, and most band kids anybody who had an off period in between exams would spend it there, as opposed to sitting in the hallway and not being able to talk because of ongoing tests. Currently, it was supposed the be the period where the Wind Ensemble had band, but since band doesn't have a final, it was a free period. Tobin, Kelley, Christen, and some other seniors had leveled out a bunch of stands to make a table and played a large game of Uno. Alex sat nearby, a pile of French worksheets strewn about with about a dozen Post-Its stuck to various pages, and absent-mindedly stroking Julie's hair, who had lined up three chairs and used Alex's lap as a pillow while she lies, half-asleep, during her break. All day she's acted kind of quiet, but everyone just assumed it was because of the cold that's been spreading around which she seems to have caught-and midterms, but that didn't really matter to her as much. She promised Alex she would actually try to do good on these, an added stress factor that she hasn't experienced since first semester freshman year.

"Alex, you need to relax. Come on, we'll deal you in," Kelley said. Alex shook her head.

"No, I have to study. This fucking test is gonna kick my ass."

"Al, you've been studying for weeks longer than the rest of us. Even Christen is playing!" Tobin said, to be sent a demonic glare back.

"Shut the fuck up, will you? I only have two more goddamn midterms, and then guys you can bother me the entire break," Alex snapped. Kelley widened her eyes and whistled.

"Damn, JJ needs to wake up, Alex is all crabby when she's not," she mumbled. At that moment, Mrs.Ellis just happened to be walking by and stopped to lean down and see if Julie was sleeping, then picked up a textbook from Alex's pile and dropped it on the floor near Julie's head. The loud boom seems to have woken her up, but she didn't open her eyes. Instead, she raised her middle finger high in the air to whoever dropped the book, wherever they may be.

"You wanna try that again, Julie?" Ellis said, smirking. She was an older woman, a band director since before any of them were born, and band has never really been a normal place to teach at(seriously, it's just a clusterfuck of insanity from start to finish). At this point, a student accidently flipping her off was less rage inducing and more amusing than anything.

Julie laughed weakly and slurred, " _You're_ not Kelley."

"No, I'm not, and next time you decide to give someone the finger, maybe open your eyes first, yeah?"

Julie groaned and sat up, opening her eyes long enough to see her friends snickering. Once Ellis had turned her back, she flipped off the people she meant to the first time. "I need some coffee," she grumbled, voice gruff from her rising cold. Alex offered to go with and soon they were walking out the fine arts hallways to the cafeteria.

"Hey, what's up with you today?" Alex said. It was irking her. Almost for the whole month she hasn't been as happy as she normally is, and although Christen said this happens every December for some reason, she still couldn't help but feel like she had some hand in this, since it started right after they had a fight.

"I'll explain later," Julie said rather tersely. Today was definitely different. Usually she says "Nothing, I'm fine" and flashes her a rehearsed smile.

Alex's gait faltered a little. "Okay?"

Julie got her coffee, practically chugged it, and left the band room, mumbling something incoherant about _library_ , _trumpet_ , and _fudge_. Nobody wanted to ask.

"The fuck is wrong with her today?" Kelley said. Christen looked up and caught Alex's eye, who mouthed "What?" in return. Christen raised her eyebrows suspiciously. "What?" Alex tried to mouth again, surprising even herself when sound accidently came out.

"You say something, Alex?" Tobin said.

"Uh, no. Right, Chris?" Alex said, without ever breaking eye contact.

"Yeah," Christen said dubiously. For the rest of the game, Alex would still be giving Christen questioning looks, which she would try to ignore. Finally, Alex slammed her textbook closed and asked Christen if she wanted to go for a walk.

"What's going on?"

"You don't know?"

"Know what?" Alex said through gritted teeth.

"Oh shit, she's gonna kill me," Christen muttered. "I'm sorry, I really thought she told you."

"Told me what?! Why is everyone being so fucking vague?" she exclaimed, then was glared at by the roaming teachers in the hall, not that she cared. Christen pushed her into the auditorium, which really should be locked.

"Quiet down, Alex! Jesus Christ, it's...uh, it's...I dunno, it's Julie's thing."

"It's Julie's thing?" scoffed Alex, just as loud as before. "So what then? My girlfriend is keeping secrets from me that are apparently so fucking big and important that I should've known before today, but she'll tell you?"

"To be fair-" Christen started, but upon seeing the murderous look in Alex's eyes, immediately stopped. "Yeah, okay, not the time."

"Yeah, it's not the fucking time! What is it, anyway?"

"I-I can't...I can't just-" Christen stuttered.

"You can't tell me," she finished.

"Yeah."

"Why not?"

"Because it's, you know, it's super personal and...that makes it worse, doesn't it?"

"Yeah, a little bit," Alex said sardonically.

Christen groaned. "Shit, I'm sorry, I just-I need you to promise me you're not gonna bother her about it. It's really kinda awful and the last thing she needs to worry about is you storming into her house Rambo-style, demanding answers and everything," Alex scowled and huffed. "Oh come on, it's a sensitive day."

"I just can't believe my girlfriend is keeping all these secrets from me," Alex said. Christen sighed and pulled her in for a hug.

"If it makes you feel better, she's been my best friend for years and I just found out a few months ago. She's probably just not ready for you to know this about her yet. It'd be tramatic to anyone, let alone her with all the other shit in her life. Don't look too far into it, okay? It's not the kind of secret you think it is."

Christen left, but Alex stayed for a little bit. All the lights were off except for a single lightbulb on the stage that has to be there for some reason, but that didn't do much. She sat in the closest row and closed her eyes as stress began making her brain shut down.

"Fucking Christen, being all vague. Fucking Julie, not telling me her shit. Fucking midterms. Fuck!"

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First Alex had taken her french midterm, which she thought went okay. French had never been her strong suit, but some colleges like someone who didn't just drop their global language the second they could. There was one moment when she couldn't remember if mother was "mere" or "merde". However, she did remember that one of those means shit, and now after the test itself, she's starting to think that she chose wrong. The exam for AP Bio, her last midterm, was as much of a bitch as the class was, but how horrible she feels like she did was immediately erased the second she stepped into the band room.

Tobin ran up to her, out of breath. "Alex! Have you heard from Julie?"

"What? No, why?"

"In the middle of our English final, she said 'Why can't we leave after we finish?' and our teacher said it was because of school policy or something, and then she just left. She fucking left! Nobody's seen her and Christen's about to have a fucking panic attack," Tobin ran off again, this time in the opposite direction to check the rest of the school. Alex was frozen in a daze of confusion and shock before she whipped out her phone to call Julie. It rang for a fair amount of time before Alex cut it off and shoved her phone back in her pocket.

"What the fuck, Julie?" Alex mumbled to herself, already beginning to call again. In a hasty attempt to removed the weight of her bag from her back before she began hunting for her girlfriend, she opened the lockers door and flung it haphazardly on the floor, hoping it doesn't hit anybody on the way(not that she would be particularly troubled if it did given the current circumstances), then did a double take.

There was a blue Post-It stuck to the bars in her locker.

Alex literally scurried to her locker to read it, since she was almost certain it was from Julie.

_Hey Alex_

_My house at 5?_

_I promise I'll clear everything up if I can_

_Julie :)_

_P.S did you know that you're not allowed to leave during finals? I think everyone in my English class just found out_

And laying in the center of her locker was a Christmas tree cookie wrapped in cling wrap, that Julie got in there God knows how because it was locked.

"Alex?" Christen swung around the door frame and shouted over the din of conversations happening around them. Her voice already sounded very distraught.

"Chris, I think you can call off the search," Alex said, still grinning at the Post-It note in her hand.

"What?"

"Yeah, I got a thing," she waved the note in Christen's direction to show her while she unwrapped the cookie clumsily with her other hand. Christen rushed forward to read it and then sighed in relief.

"Thank God, I thought she got on a plane to fucking New Hampshire or something," Christen yelled a quick thank-you over her shoulder as she ran out, probably to go tell Kelley and Tobin to stop interrogating everybody they see in the halls.

Alex shook her head once again at the note, but couldn't bring herself to stop smiling, even if it was just an "I don't know what the fuck is wrong with you but I love it" smile. She didn't even know why. Julie was probably going to be in trouble when school starts up again in January, and after the whole Seattle fiasco, nobody was too keen on her getting up and leaving to God know's where again. Still, she found it endearing. Maybe not the part where Julie storms out of her English final, but the other part, where she leaves some stupid note with a bad joke on it like this is something that happens everyday. Really, it should infuriate her like it probably does Christen and all their other friends, but it just makes Alex like her more

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After Julie's midterm, she felt her phone buzz in her pocket and waited for her teacher to sit back down at her desk before she checked who it was. It was Morgan.

**Clumbfuck-Hey u doing ok?**

**Just remembered what today was**

**And text Hope back becuz shes blowing up my fucking phone**

Julie frowned. There was only a half-hour left in the test period, and really what was she here for if she's done with the test?

"Mrs.Miller, why do we have to stay if we're done with our test?" she said loudly. The about half the class turned to look at her. A look of panic flashed on Tobin's face in the desk next to her, and then she shook her head frantically at her, knowing full well that Julie had already committed to doing this and was never going to change her mind, but still had to try.

"You are interrupting a test period, Julie," said Mrs.Miller with a hint of irritation in her voice.

"Yeah, I know."

"Then why are you still talking?"

"Because I wanna know why I can't leave?" Julie said. By now the whole class was looking at her curiously, but she refused to break eye contact with Mrs.Miller.

"It's school policy, Julie. I can't let you leave," Mrs.Miller glowered.

"Right, okay," Julie said, nodding her head. Then, in one swift motion, she swung her backpack over her shoulder and walked straight out the door. Tobin muttered, "Oh shit," under her breath and ran her fingers through her hair wearily, as if this sort of thing happens all the time.

It kind of does though. Last December 21, after school when the lockers were nearly empty(except for her and her friends), Julie found a baseball on the floor and, after gazing neutrally at it for a moment, hurled it as hard as she could across the room, denting the bars of an instrument compartment. While everybody stared at her, confused and aghast, she promptly left and never gave anybody any sort of explanation. Although nobody noticed the date similarity, it was there, and it was probably going to happen next year too.

Back in the present December 21, Julie quietly hummed the Friends theme song while she strolled down the hall away from her English midterm. She was almost positive her teacher was still standing outside the classroom, hands on her hips and glaring at the back of her head like she expected Julie to turn around and come back(spoiler, she's not going to).

She stopped by the band room and said bye to some stragglers that still hung around waiting for rides(casually, like she hadn't just walked out of her English exam) while she collected her stuff from her locker. On her way out, she ran her fingers along the locker dent from last year before she stepped out in the cold to walk home. She could have driven to school today with the car her Mom left on her "business trip", but she hadn't exactly planned for this and usually got rides from Christen.

As she headed out into the cold December weather, she felt her cold symptoms get worse while she walked. On any other day, this would have been fine, but right now she's shivering in her coat and snot seeped from her nose. However, since it was only about a mile, she just sped up her gait and tugged her beanie closer over her head.

As Julie got the yard outside her house, she decided to forgo climbing through her bedroom window like she has for much of the last three years and walked through the front door. Recently, she hasn't really cared whether or not her father is home. In fact, she's hoping he is. Ever since Zach and Morgan went home, she's been itching to pick a fight with him because she wasn't about to let some drunk fucker push her around and she wants him to know that. It's just the last couple of weeks that she's worked up the courage to do it.

Julie tossed her backpack into her room and grabbed a packet of hot chocolate powder from the pantry and made herself a mug of hot chocolate in the microwave. For a moment before she put the milk back in the refrigerator, she paused, looked back and forth from her phone and the microwave, then put her phone inside to replace it w(just as an excuse if anyone gets on her case about not answering the phone). Finally, while muttering a string of curses to herself as the heat from the mug burned her hand, she sat in the living room with a notebook and began to write a letter.

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"Julie?" Alex called out. It was five in the afternoon and having found a note stuck to the front door(literally stuck-the top of the paper was impaled by a steak knife and pinned to the door. Yeah, all sorts of weird shit is happening with Julie today), telling her to go to the backyard. She tugged her jacket closer to her body and found her girlfriend piling a large amount of dry twigs on top of a mountain of crumpled up newspaper. "Hey-what are you doing?"

Julie poured a small bit of lighter fluid on top. "I'm uh, sending a letter."

"Before or after the arson?"

"During, actually," Julie said. Alex stood next to her and made the decision not to ask anymore questions about it for the time being. Julie pulled a pack of matches out of her pocket and flicked one into the top, setting the whole thing ablaze, and Alex suddenly understood why she was only wearly a thin sweatshirt.

"So what's with the steak knife and the note on your door?" asked Alex quietly, allowing the fire to heat her up a bit.

"I couldn't find the tape," said Julie numbly.

"And you couldn't have just texted me?"

"Well, now where's the fun in that?"

Alex could feel the despondency radiating off her normally sun-shining, birds chirping, "I just did something fucking stupid and I'm not even going to try to hide it" girlfriend, but just had one more question. "Why'd you leave school early?"

"I didn't feel like staying anymore."

"I don't feel like staying everyday, but I've never left in the middle of a midterm before!"

"Well I'm sure you've noticed already, but today isn't just any other day."

This gave her pause. "Yeah."

And Julie, silently and with a grim expression, took out a crisp white envelope from her pocket and tossed it in with the burning pile of tinder in front of them. Just before it eaten from the inside out, Alex caught the name Carli written in big bold letters.

Julie waited until the whole letter was up in smoke before she spoke. "My sister died," she said, barely audible.

"What? I thought you were an only child," Alex said.

"I am...now. There was an accident right before Christmas four years ago. She just got back from college and-and it was night and this jackass was drunk driving without headlights on. Absolutely destroyed her side of the car. Hope was driving her home, only got a few scratches and bruises, thank God. They were best friends, that's how I know Hope," Julie sniffled and wiped away the tears on her face.

"Oh," Alex whispered hesitantly. Never has Julie ever hinted she had a dead sister, so the surprise was quite jarring, but she still held her hand and pulled her close. "Were you close?"

"Yeah, we were. I mean, she was almost eight years older than me, but she was like, my hero, 'cause you know my parent hated me, and someone had to pick up the slack. She helped me with my homework, she picked me up from the bus stop, she made me feel better after my dumbass broke my forty ninth bone...and then she died. She fucking died, and I didn't know what to do, and there was this gaping hole in my life, and-and...my sister died, Alex," cried Julie quietly. Alex shook her head and squeezed her hand, sitting them down on a bench, but still facing the raging fire.

"But every year I write a letter to her and I burn it, because when I was five and our grandmother died, she told me to write a letter to and we'd burned it together, so now that's what I do for her. I-I don't even know why I still write these, I know it's just something stupid she said to me to make me stop crying about it."

"Hey, come on, I think it's sweet," Alex said. "Her name was Carli?"

"Yeah, Carli Lloyd. I don't know why we have different last names, my aunt said there was some legal problem, I think. I dunno, I never really looked into it."

The fire crackled quietly, and as the twigs and papers finally reached the end of their lifespan, the flames shrunk a little bit to about half their original size.

"Why didn't you tell me earlier?" Alex asked, as the question had been eating at her from the beginning.

Julie chuckled, distressed. "You're gonna think this is ridiculous, but I didn't think I was ready for you to look at me differently."

"What? I wouldn't have done that!"

"Yeah, you would've. Christen does, Morgan does, Zach does. It's sorta unavoidable," Julie chuckled again, but with an actual smile behind it.

"Yeah, well, I'm not them, am I?"

"No, you're not."

"Then how do you know I would do that?"

"Because knowing someone is in pain and knowing why they're in pain are two very different things, Al."

"Yeah, I...I guess that's true," the wind was suddenly taken out of her argument and left her space to think. She isn't like that, is she?

As the fire petered out, they remained in a comfortable silence. When it was finally reduced to a pile of embers and blackened twigs, Julie grabbed the poker and took a couple jabs at it.

A crash echoed from inside the house. Julie and Alex both stared at the windows, but didn't see any movement. "Is anyone supposed to be home?" Alex asked.

"No..." Julie said, scrunching up her eyebrows in confusion. Slowly, she began inching towards the door with the poker held like a sword.

"Wait!" Alex rushed forward and grasped her arm. "What are you doing? It could be dangerous!"

"So? If I see a gun, we'll call the cops, and if I don't, someone is getting fucking stabbed," Julie brandished the poker and began stalking towards the door, again.

"No, stop, you idiot!"

"Alex, I have to-" the glass door slid open, revealing two people. Julie's mouth dropped open and she lowered the poker.

"Mom?"

 


	18. C'est La Pie

**Friday, December 21, 2017**

"What the fuck are you doing here?" Julie spat.

"What, I'm not allowed to come home?" Mrs.Johnston said smugly, suitcases still grasped in her hands. She clearly was taking amusement in her daughters reaction.

"Not after eight months, you're not! Shit, I thought you died somewhere in the Caribbeans. Got my hopes up for nothing," Julie murmured angrily. Alex noticed that she hadn't put down the poker, which was scorching the patio wood, but instead her grip tightened like she was seriously considering following through with her plans for a gunless intruder.

Mrs.Johnston tutted condescendingly. "Now, is that anyway to treat your mother?"

"Yeah, 'cause you've been so loving to me all these years, you fucking demon witch."

"So disrespectful, you are."

Julie glared at her, and quite frankly Alex couldn't blame her. This woman made her want to commit murder even after just forty seconds of being in her presence. Unfortunately, Julie felt the same way and was actually in possession of an object that could do just that, so Alex gently took it from her hands and tossed it into grass.

"Oh, and who's this?" Mrs.Johnston turned her attention to Alex and moved forward with her hand stuck out, so Julie stepped in between them.

"No, don't you fucking go near her," Julie said. From inside the house, they heard another person moving about.

"Kristi, could you run to the drug store and get me a six pack?" Julie's father appeared in the doorway next to her mother, scruffy and only-sober-for-the-last-three-hours looking.

"You're shitting me," Julie growled. "You bitch, you brought him too?"

"Well why not? We should all be home and mourn this terrible day together," Mrs Johnston spread her arms with a sickeningly fake smile.

"Why not? Because you missed it the last three years, I thought you didn't even know what the date was! And you hate him! So what, did you just call him up to spite me?"

"Oh, honey, not everything is about you," Mrs.Johnston said dismissively, waving her arm carelessly. "Steven, come get my bags."

Julie's breath deepened with rage, so Alex grabbed her hand and squeezed it for comfort. "Now, who's this girl in my backyard, Julie?"

"It's okay, Jay," Alex whispered and the grip on her hand grew tighter.

"Alex, these are my shitsack fucks of parents, Steven and Kristi. Steven, Kristi, this is my girlfriend Alex."

"Girlfriend?" Steven said gruffly. "You're a dyke?"

"Actually, I'm half a dyke, you homophobic trash pile of a human," Julie snarled. Steven started towards her hastily, finger pointed angrily. Kristi grabbed the back of her collar and ended up choking him, still with a calm expression.

"Excuse me? You little shit, I am your father, you will _not_ talk to me like that. This is what's wrong with your generation. No respect."

"Oh, like you respected me when you chased me and my friends down the street on Halloween? Or when you attacked my best friend?"

"Julie, calm down," Alex said quietly.

"Yeah, why don't you listen to your uh, little hoe over here, huh?" Stephen laughed grossly.

Julie glanced back at her and sighed. "Alex, I think you should go home," she said, not taking her eyes off her parents.

"Julie, I can't just-"

"No, you can't stay here right now. It's not safe," she said.

"No! You're not-"

"Alex, just get the fuck out!" Julie exclaimed. Alex scoffed.

"Fine," she said shortly. And then she was gone, leaving just the loving family to themselves.

"I see you inherited your fathers temper," Kristi said lightly.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" Julie asked once again.

"I came home to spend time with my family."

"Family? Is that what we are now? Because the last time I checked, family isn't people who hate each other and don't talk for months at a time."

"Well like it or not, we are family, and we're going to start acting like it now. I'm going to make dinner, you two can catch up in the living room."

"You're not serious," Julie said, laughing humorlessly like it was all one big joke.

"I am."

Julie scoffed. "Fuck you," and she pushed past their unsurprised bodies to her room, where the door was soon slammed shut.

Julie made sure the cuts on her knuckles stopped bleeding and her mood cooled down a bit before heading out her window to Christen's house. After storming into the house, she paced around her room for a moment, muscles tense with pent up anger. It was almost painful how pissed she was. And then, in a fit of rage and right next to the hole from last time, punched at the light blue painted wall. Unfortunately, a stud behind the plastor didn't enjoy the attention and hit back. A shallow, fist sized dent appeared in addition to three of her four knuckles bleeding profusely. One would think they wouldn't bleed to badly after just one, albeit very hard, punch, but one would be wrong.

Christen and her family were having dinner when Julie blundering through the back door. Tyler came home from college the day before and apparently Channing did good on some test, so everyone was high spirits(at least for the time being).

"JJ is that you?" Christen called out. "I texted you, but you didn't respond."

"Uh, yeah, I-I think I left my phone in the microwave," Julie stuttered, scratching the back of her neck and clenching and unclenching her other hand in a desperate attempt to alleviate the pain. Now that she's out of the house and had a little bit to think, she realized she wasn't just mad. She was also shaken, confused, and a little afraid(this isn't to say the anger part isn't actually the biggest part, because boy it is).

"What?"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. I think I need a place to stay for a while," she said quietly. To the Presses, this must have looked crazy. She came stumbling into their house, angry tears staining her cheeks, a decently torn up hand, and absolutely reeking of smoke.

"Oh, honey, what happened to your hand?" Mrs.Press fussed, roughly grabbing it as if this would be her only chance to examine it and then forcing her to sit at the dinner table.

"It's okay, it's okay, I just punched a wall, it's-"

"Julie, what the hell's going on?" Christen said.

"My parents came home," Julie whispered. "Both of them, at the same."

"What?" exclaimed Mr.Press. "They didn't hurt you did they? Because I'll kill them if they did."

"No, no, no, they didn't. They're just-SHIT!" she yelled when Mrs.Press dabbed peroxide on her knuckles. "They're awful people and I hate them and my mom is acting really weird and I got really pissed and punched the wall but there was a stud..." Julie continued to ramble.

"Don't they hate each other too?" Mrs.Press said.

"Yeah. I don't know what the hell's going on, it's really weird. Usually when Kristi comes home it's just a couple days, few weeks tops and Steven stays out the entire time. He hates her now more than me and that's saying something."

Tyler handed her a plate but she really wasn't in the mood to eat. Pushing around a pile of mashed potatoes and looked around the table. Mr and Mrs.Press both looked as if they were trying to have a serious conversation with their eyes. Tyler and Channing were texting under the table and Julie was willing to bet that it was with each other and the subject was her. She made eye contact with Christen and gave her a sad half-smile and shrugged. Gotta be optimistic, right?

"May I be excused?" Julie said.

"Why?" Mrs.Press said hastily, obviously very reluctent.

"I think I'm going to go for a walk."

"What? No!" Christen exclaimed. "You don't even have a coat. It's December, Julie!"

"Yeah, right. Can I borrow your coat, Chris?"

"No! You're sick too, you can't go out!"

"Well, c'est la pie. Bye, Presses, be back in a while!" She shouted over her shoulder as she deposited the plate next to the sink and headed out the back door again.

One thing that made her smile though was walking past the Christmas tree and seeing a present in the front with JuLie scrawled on the front in Channing's big clumsy handwriting. Knowing her it was probably a watermelon or something, but still an uplifting sight.

First stop, she crawled back through her bedroom window, marched into the kitchen, pulled her phone out of the microwave and told her mother to promptly fuck off when she said dinner was almost ready. Stuffing her bag with clothes(because she doesn't know how long she'll be staying with Christen), Julie made sure to lock the door and leave all the stuff she might need or would want to protect outside the window to pick up later. In her haste to leave the house again, she almost forgot her coat.

Christen was right. It's cold and she's sick. Too late now though. As Julie cut through various lawns and backyards, she hiked her backpack up higher on her back and pulled her hood tighter over her head.

Alex's house was lit up with the Christmas lights and decorations that they put up a week before. Their tree was especially bright, tinsel and garlands wrapped artfully around it. Behind it, Alex and her family were eating dinner in the family room. Jeni had already come home from the city, so they would all be together until after the holidays. She looked really happy.

"Not now," Julie said to herself after a momentary trance. "But I'm sorry about earlier. I really, really am. I shouldn't have said that. God, I'm such a fucking dumbass. They're just such a pain in the ass, you know? I hate it when they're home, they just make me wanna stab myself. But that's not an excuse, and I'm sorry," she sighed. "Jesus Christ, I'm losing my goddamn mind. I'm standing in the dark in someone elses backyard at night while they eat dinner with their family and I'm talking to myself like she can hear me. My god..."

 

Christen sat on the couch next to her. Frosty the Snowman played on the TV, but Julie was barely paying attention. Instead, she was throwing around a small foam ball with Channing and Tyler.

"'C'est la pie'?" she said questioningly.

"Yeah," Julie shrugged. "Isn't that the expression?"

"It's c'est la vie, Jay. C'est la pie means 'that's the magpie'," Christen corrected, and chuckled as realization dawned on her face. Channing snorted loudly, so Julie hurled the ball a little harder and hit her on the forehead. "So what'd you do at Alex's house?"

"What?"

"She's your girlfriend and I saw you cutting through our yard in her direction. I kinda put two and two together."

"Well I didn't talk to Alex or anything. We kinda had a fight earlier and I went down there to apologize, but I chickened out."

"That sucks, what happened?"

"I might have told her to get the fuck out when my parents showed up."

"What? You idiot!" Christen leaned over and hit her on the head with her magazine.

"Well what do you want me to say? It's not safe."

"Say it nicer then!"

"I did the first time!"

"Then say it nicer again!"

"Wow Tobin's a lucky girl, isn't she?" Julie said snarkily. Christen scowled and hit her again. "Damn, Christmas really puts you in a mood, huh?" Christen huffed and sat back, arms crossed. Frosty toddled around on screen, which they were all actually watching now since Channing dripped the ball and was too lazy to pick it up again.

Every once in a while, Julie would catch Christen sneaking weird looks at her, so finally she said, "Look, Chris, I know I'm hot, but I have a girlfriend. And so do you," Julie gasped theatrically. "Is Christen Press finally turning to the fun side of life?"

"Jay, don't you wanna talk about earlier?"

"Which part?"

"The first part."

"No."

"Then how about the second part?"

"No."

"The third?"

"No."

"Then why'd you ask which part?"

"What the hell are you talking about?" Tyler asked.

"Nothing," said Julie tersely. "Chris, I had a weak moment. It's nothing."

"It's not nothing!" cried Christen, sick of Julie writing everything off as smaller then they actually are. "That shit you did isn't just nothing! Nobody who pulls that kind of crap and then writes it off like it's nothing isn't okay! You're...you're not okay," she said finally.

Julie scoffed. "And who the fuck are you to tell me that I'm not okay?"

"A friend who gives a shit."

Julie's expression softened up slightly, and instead of her usual grimace and hard stare in tense situations, she just sighed and said, "I'm going to bed."

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It was about two in the morning when the cops showed up at the front door. Julie stuck her head out the guest bedroom door to hear Mr.Press arguing with a police officer. "No, your not taking her!"

"Sir, I've already explained it to you several times. She is a minor and her parents are worried and requested her return. You have no authority to keep her here."

"Like hell I don't! She wants to be here. You think we stormed her house and kidnapped her or something?"

"Sir, I didn't say that, but you must allow her to be taken home. Her parents are concerned for her mental health and-"

"Mental health? She's not fucking crazy! Whatever bullshit those assholes told you is all lies. Julie is staying here, and that's not changing!"

"Wha's goin' on?" Channing slurred lethargically. Tyler and Christen also stood in the hallway, watching the scene from the top of the stairs, each with a hand on Julie's shoulders like they were afraid the officers were planning on taking her by force.

"Sir, if you don't give us Ms.Johnston and continue to act in this manner, we will have you arrested."

"Fine, arrest me then, but you're not taking her!"

"No, Mr.Press-" Julie said, trying to walk down the stairs and resolve the issue herself, only to be pulled back.

"Julie, stay upstairs."

A tall officer with his chest puffed out turned to look at the group of girls up the stairs. Another officer who Julie had scene carrying home a passed out Steven after a particularly rough night at the bar stood behind him, looking at her remorsefully. He must have recognized the houses and understood what was really going on. Unfortunately, the same could not be said for his partner.

"Ms.Johnston," he said, immediately able to pick the odd one out, "your parents have requested your return home."

Out of all the times Christen has seen her friend get absolutely screwed over by her parents(and there have been a surprising amount for people who refuse to come home), this was the most heartbroken and confused she's ever looked.

"Why?" Julie said quietly.

"I don't know, we've just been asked to bring you home. If I remember correctly, you live right next door, so if you could just-" he gestured out the door. Julie stayed rooted in her spot, mouth agape and brow scrunched up slightly as her mind raced. Briefly, she glanced at the other cop, and her just pursed his lips and shrugged.

"No, no, honey, stay there," Mrs.Press called. "Officer, please, if you could just leave her here, just for tonight."

"Ma'am, I'm sorry, but I can't."

"Guy's it's okay, I'll see you all at the parade today, right? I'll be fine," Julie smiled reassuringly and shuffled past them to grab the stuff in her room. "Oh come on, Chris, don't make that face. Call time is just like, eight hours away and you'll spend most of that sleeping anyway," she hugged her quickly, and filed out the door past Officer Dipshit and Officer No-Help.

However, her calm, forgiving demeanor was left behind with Christen. "HEY, FUCKERS!" she shouted. Kristi and Steven sat, wordlessly with coffee and beer respectively, not looking or facing each other in the kitchen. "What do you want from me, huh? You hate me!"

"If you could just sit down and talk to us, we can clear everything up," Kristi said tiredly.

"Clear what up? Your shitty parenting? Because I'm pretty sure I've worked it out already."

"Just sit down and shut the fuck up, Julie," Steven said gruffly.

"Oh, fuck off Steven."

"For the love of God, shut up and listen," Kristi said, exasperated. And then, in a robotic and exhausted tone, explained what was really going on. Julie really wanted to yawn, go to bed, and hopefully wake up in the morning to an empty house and a fading nightmare, but of course, she's not nearly that lucky.

"You're shitting me," breathed Julie in disbelief.

"Afraid not."

"No! No, you're not dragging me into your shit! I'm not going to jail over some stupid fucking plan you made up while you were being chased out of Columbia! I'm going back to Christen's," she got up, fingers massaging her dully aching temples, and walked threw open the door with her stuff clutched tightly in her finger.

"Hey! How about we make a deal?" Steven called. "You stay here and help up, and I won't tell the cops about that bag of cocaine I put in your room!"

Julie turned around, seething. "You didn't."

"You know I did."

Begrudgingly, Julie trudged back to the table, but didn't sit down. "So how long do I have to put up with your stupid charade?"

"As long as we need," Kristi said grimly, sipping her coffee.

"Why are you doing this to me?" Julie whispered. "Why can't you just come up with something else? Go to Montana or something and hide from the FBI there!"

"It's not because we hate you," Kristi said.

"Right, because you've never done anything to me because of that anyway," Julie said, and then shut and locked the door to her bedroom.

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**Monday, December 24, 2017**

Julie ended up tearing her room apart, short of tearing up the floorboards, to find the cocaine because she had no doubt Steven actually planted some in her room. Nevertheless, she didn't find anything but couldn't gather the energy to put all her stuff back the way it was, so in addition to the already weird way it looked, it was now incredibly messy.

On Saturday at the parade, Christen made a big fuss about her, so much that she barely had any time to put on her uniform and get on a bus. Every once in a while, Julie saw Alex glancing at her, but briefly enough that she couldn't gage how pissed she was about the previous day.

When it was over though, she had to book it out of there, clumsily putting away her uniform(which she would surely pay for later, curtesy of one particularly prickly band mom who is always a stickler for these things) and leaving a box of grocery store sugar cookies she got the day before in Kelley's locker with an apology that she couldn't stay to hand them out herself. When he saw that she wasn't in her room anymore on Friday, Steven put a fair amount of nails in the window frame so she couldn't escape again, so until she pried those out, there was no passageway to the outside world. So to sustain herself, because Julie certainly is not going to be eating any meals with Steven and Kristi, she headed over to the drug store and got some bread and water.

Julie didn't do much the next few days, mostly staying in bed, both because of her worsening fever and the lack of energy to get up, and occasionally getting up to chip away some of the wood around the nails with a thick butterfly knife she got in Chinatown. Spirits were low. But her supply of bread and water was waning and she wanted something sugary. So against her better judgement, she ate Christmas Eve dinner with Steven and Kristi. Kristi was a good cook when she was a kid, so at least that part won't suck.

Everything else did though. It was quiet, except for the clinking of silverware on plates. "I need another beer," Steven muttered.

"You'd think someone would be sick of those by now," Julie said lowly.

"Excuse me?"

"What?"

"Leave it alone, Steven," Kristi said, sipping at her wine. Steven huffed and dropped back in his chair, but glaring hard. His beer bottle clanked loudly on the tabled, filling the empty void for a short moment.

"So how's school?" Kristi said.

"It's okay. Our soccer team didn't do too good in the season, but it's alright. How was laundering money in South America?" Julie said.

"Hey!" Steven said sharply.

"Oh, my god, I'm so sorry, Steven! You must feel so left out. How's your dirty Irish pub? Is that vomit stain you left on the wall two years ago still there?" Julie smiled sardonically. Her knife clattered down to the plate as she looked between her mother and father with mock curiosity.

"Why don't you show some damn respect for your parents, huh?" Steven snapped.

"I will when you've earned it."

"Hey, I fucking raised you!" Steven yelled, springing up from his seat with his finger pointed and her.

"And you did a wonderful job, Steven, what with your beer, and your yelling, and your beer, and the time you locked me in a closet, and your beer," Julie listed carelessly, jumping up as well. Kristi groaned and put her head in her hands.

"I put a roof over your head and food on the table, you ungrateful mistake!"

"Yeah, because that's all there is to parenting. You put them in a house, and send your wife to feed them, and then you fuck them up for life, just like all the other kids. Come on, Carli thought you did shit too-" A loud bang. A sharp pain appeared on her cheek. Steven hit her. Without missing a beat, Julie punched back, squarely on the nose. The cartilage crunched under her fist, which exploded with new pain, even more so because of the stud incident from a few days ago. Steven thundered back, red in the face, and looked as though he were about to charge her if Kristi hadn't spray him with the fire extinguisher Mr.Press left in a cabinet.

"Stop!" she screamed. Julie scowled and stomped back to her room. Before she shut the door, she heard Kristi say, "Damn it, Steven, why do you always have to do that?"

Clumsily, she threw around the clutter on her desk until she found a pen and pulled a notebook from a drawer. Quickly she wrote a note, a note she's written already six times already over the last four years, but twelth time's the charm, right? When she was finished, she went to her bathroom and pulled out an almost full bottle of Adderall from the medicine cabinet and a small bottle of Jack Daniel's whiskey.

"Jesus, what am I doing?" she mumbled. "I'm about to kill myself because I'm pissed my worthless father hit me. Fucking weak," Julie slammed down the pills on the desk and pushed away the notebook, leaving it scattered haphazardly, then climbed back into bed.

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**Tuesday, December 25, 2017**

Kristi is out running an errand, and Steven was doing something or other not in the house, so Julie was out of her room, stretching her legs and eating things that aren't bread. About now is when Christen's family is eating dinner, and she's sad she can't be there, but nothing she can really do about it now. Earlier that day, she got all the nails out of the window, and went outside for some fresh air for the first time in days, so Christmas was turning out to be a little better than the rest of her break.

A big lump of mail sat on the dining room table. Julie sifted through it while she waited for her Pop Tart to toast in the toaster. She picked out an interesting looking magazine and paused. Underneath was a envelope addressed to her from Arizona. She smiled, thinking it was probably just another envelope full of polaroids of Adam from Aunt Ellie. A car rolled up to the driveway and Julie muttered some rather creative curses to herself as she plucked her Pop Tart from the toaster and carried her letter to her room.

"Jingle bells, fucking hell, I'll kill Steven today..." she sang softly, slicing open the envelope with a knife. To her surprise it was not full of photos of an infant, but an actual letter.

_Dear Julie,_

_My name is David. This may come as a shock to you, but there is a very real possibility that I am your real father._

"Holy shit. Holy shit," she kept repeating to herself as she finished reading. "Fuck, KRISTI! WHAT THE FUCK?"

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Christen settled down on the couch right next to her sisters to watch some Christmas movie with her younger cousins.

"Ma, no! We aren't gonna be able to see the TV if you open those blinds!" Channing exclaimed. Mrs.Press shook her head and continued to retract the blinds right behind the television. They continued to bicker, but Christen wasn't paying attention to that anymore. Through the window her mother just opened, she could get a clear view into Julie's bedroom, however small that view was. She grinned, but that faded fast as she watched Julie sit at her desk, one hand resting over her eyes and the other holding a phone to her ear, red in the face. Apparently they didn't pick up because she threw it harshly to the side. Clumsily, Julie fumbled with something on her desk, then ran her fingers through her hair, looking extremely distraught.

"Shit," Christen muttered, hopping over kids to get closer to the window. Julie shook her head, said a words that was probably "fuck" knowing her, them emptied a bottle of pills into her mouth and washed it down with a fair amount of whiskey. "No! NO, STOP! HEY!" Christen banged on the glass, but found herself unable to move out of pure shock.

Julie must have heard the noise because she looked up. Crying and looking absolutely heartbroken, she sighed, smiled gently, and waved goodbye.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoops, sorry


	19. Fuck

**Tuesday, December 25, 2017**

It's been a solid four hours sitting inside this tiny, depressing private waiting room in the hospital. Every hour, the same old nurse comes in to briefly tell them Julie's not dead and to stay because that might change, and then not much else. Nobody minded. They were willing to stay all night if they had too.

After Christen saw what happened, she first called 911, and then stormed out the door shoeless to bang on Julie's front door. A brief screaming match with Steven later, an ambulance came screeching up to the driveway. After that, nobody really knows what happened.

An abundant amount of police cars and black SUVs stopped in front of the house. Christen watched in confusion until the cops came out of their cars, guns blazing, and instead of standing on the porch any longer, she screamed and ducked out of the way. A load of men in black suits came out of the SUVs with guns too, albeit much bigger and more lethal looking ones.

Paramedics went into the house first. They had to bust down the door(to the benefit of the police outside) and carried Julie out on a stretcher to the ambulance. To Christen's horror, there was a thick river of blood streaming from her forehead. There wasn't time to examine her closely, but she looked deathly pale and twitching uncomfortably. Of course, before jumping in the car, Christen had to go vomit a little bit in the snow.

On the way to the hospital, Christen texted a group chat with a frantic message and didn't stop to answer whatever questions they were sure to bombard her with. Next she called Morgan, taking a deep breath(which actually made her feel more sick) to brace herself for a hysterical call to Julie's best friend. It didn't go the way she had imagined it would. She had barely gotton the words out before Morgan yelled, "What? Is she still alive?" and after a short affirmation the line went dead.

At the hospital, her friends quickly gathered and the emergency room staff shoved them in a private wait room when the group got too big. Tobin held her hand and let her sob into the crook of her neck, breathing shakily and having a few stray tears herself. Kelley arrived a little bit later because she ran to the hospital instead of waiting for a car. When pointed in the direction of the waiting room, she sat down in the corner, arms crossed and stony-faced with her forehead resting on the cold wall.

And Alex. Dear God, that was difficult for them to watch. She trodded in, tears leaking profusely from her eyes, and sat in the chair that was farthest away from everyone else. She wore a navy blue US Soccer sweatshirt with **JOHNSTON** printed on the back that looked like it was thrown on hastily and never got the time to be fixed. She didn't stop crying for a long time, but nobody said a word about it.

First Kelley moved to sit next to Tobin and Christen. They whispered to each other occassionally, but for the most part, just enjoyed each others presence and support. Then a while after that, they came to a unanimous agreement to gather around Alex, because even though she was never planning on saying it, she needed them.

Mr.Press turned on the TV in the corner to break some of the silence, where they were all greeted with a "Breaking News" banner and a newscaster talking about a CFO for some big company that got arrested from their house that afternoon for laundering drug money in South America. A video played next to her about the arrest. Then they recognized the house.

"Wow," said Tobin.

"That explains a lot," Christen mumbled to herself.

"Damn, JJ's got one fucked up family," Kelley murmured next. Alex chose not to comment, but instead noticed that if she strained her ears, she could hear the faint whine of the ambulance streaking away from the house. The sound tore her heart out.

As the fourth hour passed, Mr and Mrs.Press left to check on the family at home. Pretty much right after that is when things got weird.

"Hey! You can't run in-"

"Piss off, nurse lady!" a pair of sneakers squeaked on the tiles and got louder as they approached. They glanced up at the windows lining the wall adjacent to the hallway, expecting someone to run past.

But they didn't see anyone, becuase the person stopped right at their door. "Holy shit," Kelley said. Everybody else had very similar expressions that exemplified her words. Alex couldn't bring herself to close her mouth while her sifted through her confusion.

"She's not gone, is she? Please say no," Morgan spilled out, panting.

"Morgan, what are you doing here?" Tobin said, eyes still wide with shock.

"I got on a plane as soon as you called."

"And your parents were just okay with that?"

"You kidding? They'd be here themselves if they didn't have to work. Zach would be too if his parents didn't have a stick up their ass."

"So they just shipped you away?"

"Well, yeah. It's holiday break, I don't have to be back for two weeks," Morgan shrugged. "Wait, wait, wait. Julie is alive though, right?"

"Yeah, but the nurse keeps telling us to stay because I guess that's not for sure," Christen said. Morgan slowly nodded her head and mumbled to herself as she processed the information.

"Okay then," she said, and sat in the nearest chair.

For a second, Alex was thinking to herself that for a person sitting in a hospital wait room while their best friend since toddlerhood might die of suicide, she was holding herself together remarkably well. Then, as if on cue, Morgan yelled "Fuck!" and ran her fingers roughly through her hair.

Alex snickered, happy to see someone as distraught at she is at the moment. Morgan glanced up and she sighed. "Alex, I'm so sorry about what happened the last time I was here. That was so shitty of me to do and I feel terrible about it. I wasn't thinking and I didn't mean to hurt anybody and I-I'm just so sorry," she said. Even though Alex hasn't been particularly angry about this for a long time, she felt a little warmer hearing it and smiled.

"Thank you."

"Yeah, I...shit," Morgan's phone began buzzing on the seat next to her. She groaned and went out into the hall to answer it. "Hey Kate."

It wasn't too long after that when a doctor came into the room, looking tired and dour. Just by her facial expressions they were preparing themselves for the worse. "Wow, you kids don't quit," she mumbled. "I'm sorry we haven't been giving you anything real. We thought it'd be better to give you definitive answers instead of disparaging news every once in a while. There were a few seizures and complications, but her vitals are stable and we are confident she'll live. However-"

"Oh, I so wanted you to stop at 'she'll live'," groaned Morgan quietly.

"Julie is currently in a comatose state," the doctor finished.

"And that's why."

Alex felt like the wind had been taken out of her. Julie Johnston, her bubbly, blonde, wonderful girlfriend, was in a fucking coma.

The doctor kept talking after that, but it was just white noise to the overwhelming void in her head.

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**Wednesday, December 26, 2017**

The sight of Julie in the bed, hooked up to all the machines as one beeped to her heartbeat, made Alex sick. Quickly, she ducked out of the room and took a few deep breaths before reentering. It was only of little comfort that Morgan was in a similar state, except she didn't leave. On the contrary, she was frozen in her place, looking like she was about to cry.

"Yeah, I want to die too," Alex said grimly as she settled into one of the many chairs they crammed in the room. "Okay...so the doc said they don't know when she'll wake up?" The others shared a look and she immediately knew why.

_No, I didn't mean 'If', damn it, I said when._

"Yeah," Christen finally said.

"I can't believe this is actually happening," Tobin mumbled

"Really? Because I can," Morgan said. She glanced around the room and rolled her eyes. "In all seriousness, are you guys all trying to tell me you've never suspected that she might be depressed? Really? Jesus Christ, she was practically throwing it in our faces! She'd have random spells of anti-socialness, wouldn't practice or play soccer, wouldn't eat, wouldn't talk to anyone, and her sleep schedule was so shit she can't get through the day without Red Bull or coffee. For fucks sake, she skipped school because she 'didn't feel like going that morning'! What the hell did you think that meant?" Morgan glanced at her best friend and frowned. "But we all ignored it, didn't we? Because how could happy, fun, bright Julie Johnston be depressed?" she said angrily.

"Don't you think you're being a little harsh, Morgan?" Tobin snapped.

"No! No, because I'm right, aren't I? Everybody, raise your hand if this never occured to you," she said belligerently. Nobody moved, but still looked quite guilty. "Yeah, I thought so. Look, I...I've thought about this a hundred times, and every time I tried to persuade myself that it would never happen. And that was wrong. I should've done more. I should've said something, but I didn't. I made a mistake. We all did, and now we're fucking paying for it," Morgan grumbled, crossing her arms and scowling.

Alex hiccuped. In all fairness, she was doing a really good job crying silently up until now. Morgan looked up at the noise and the stress-creases on her face melted away. She was at a loss for words, since she certainly wasn't going to apologize.

"Why don't we get some food, hmm? Give Alex some space," Tobin said quietly. As her friends filed out of the room, Alex didn't even look up. Her eyes had been trained on the wheels of the bed because she couldn't bring herself to look at the only other person in the room.

How could this happen? How could she let this happen? She shouldn't have gotton so mad when Julie told her to leave. She knew it was a difficult situation for Julie and it was just her own damn pride getting in the way of talking to her again. "This is all my fault. Oh god..." and for the first time, she looked closely at Julie. A bandage was taped to her forehead where someone had to stitch up the cut from when she fell. Her skin was pale and even in a coma, she looked distressed, like she was being tormented in her vegetative state.

"Hey, Alex." Morgan was back, alone this time. She held out a cup to Alex and sat in the chair opposite to her. "I don't know how you like your coffee so I bought you hot chocolate instead." Alex raised her cup and smiled curteously. "Look, I really am sorry about kissing Julie. I was an idiot."

"It's okay."

"No, it's really not, but thanks for trying to make a terrible person feel better," Morgan said. Alex chuckled weakly. Her sense of humor was so similar to Julie's, it's comforting. "So I thought we could talk. Christen told me about your fight and you should know that this is not your fault, at all."

"I abandoned her while she was in need."

"So what? You can't be worried she's gonna kill herself every time you have a fight."

"But I knew she was in trouble, and I didn't do shit! I didn't talk to her for four days when she needed me!"

Morgan groaned. "Alright, Alex, I don't mean this so bluntly, but Jay's had kind of a terrible life. Her parents hate her for some dumbass reason, her sister basically died while they were _talking on the phone_ , she was a fucking mess as a kid, and she's been depressed for what I'm guessing is all of high school. She has been _royally_ screwed by God, and whatever it is that finally nudged her over the edge probably had nothing to do with you."

"They were on the phone with each other?" Alex asked, chocked up. Morgan nodded solemnly.

"Yeah. Carli's flight got delayed and she called to tell her they were coming, and then, you know..."

"That's terrible," she whispered. Her hot chocolate was burning her fingers, but it didn't even bother her as she stared at the unconscience girl in the hospital bed.

"Yeah, it is. There are a lot of terrible things in her life."

A short pause. "Morgan, she called me. She called me right before and I couldn't pick up. Wh-What if I could've stopped it?"

A beat. "Alex, I can't tell you definitively why she called, but I don't think it's because she wanted help. That's never been who she is, and I doubt she'd have such a change of heart now."

"You don't think it's because she wanted help," Alex scoffed, suddenly feeling irritated. "Why can't she just fucking get some god damn help? The fuck is wrong with her?" she exclaimed. But Morgan just laughed softly, not at all fazed by her outburst.

"If you were there when we were kids, you'd understand. Julie always wanted to be just like Carli. Carli Lloyd. Stoic Carli. Fucking badass Lloyd. And Carli, she was always like, strong and shit and she never let any problem get the better if her. She was indestructable, to put it lightly. And I guess the message got kinda distorted when it got to Julie. Instead of fighting her problems like a beast and winning, Julie just doesn't want to be vulnerable. And a little bit of the other one. It's kinda similar, but also very not, and it's just-it's very complicated."

A pause as Alex thought for a second. "That's so fucking stupid!" she cried. "Why can't she just suck it up and talk to someone?"

"Yeah, I know. But I told you she's had a terrible life, and kids with terrible lives get kinda fucked up sometimes. I guess it could be worse though. She could've turned out like Kelley," Morgan shrugged. Alex giggled dryly and loosened up a little. "Yeah, that's right, laugh, because if JJ wakes up and finds out I made you pissed at her while she's in a coma, she'd kick my ass."

For a few minutes, they held on to the silence, each bringing each other a sense of calm while they think of the same subject in graphic horror. "Shut up, Kelley, that's not funny!"

"What are you talking about? It's a great story!" Morgan and Alex glanced at the door. Tobin, Kelley, and Christen were back with a couple trays of food. Tobin looked upset.

"What's a great story?" Alex asked.

"We were talking about the first time we decided we wanted to be friends with Julie, and Tobin doesn't like my story," huffed Kelley.

"Because it's stupid!"

"Well what happened?" Morgan asked.

"I bet her she couldn't make a half-field shot and when she tried it, the ball curved and hit Tobin in the head. It was beautiful! She dropped like a sack of potatoes, you should've-" Kelley stopped mid-sentence when she saw Tobin's glare. "What? Don't act like you wouldn't be laughing if she hit me, because we both know you damn well would be!"

"And tell her what you did next Kelley," Tobin said, annoyed.

"I gave her the money! That memory is worth way more than ten stupid dollars," shrugged Kelley. Alex laughed quietly. She felt a pang of guilt at realizing she doesn't even remember it even though Kelley said she was there. For years she disregarded Julie, thinking her to be just another Kelley, a friend of a friend. Now, she knows she is anything but, however her revelation came a little later than she would have liked.

"What about you, Morgan?"

"What?"

"When did you become friends with JJ?"

"Oh, I don't know, it must've been thirteen, fourteen years ago, but I think it was..." Alex didn't listen to the rest of the story. Instead, she stared off into space and thought of the moment she realized that this was really a person worth spending hours upon hours with.

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**Thursday, September 12, 2017**

_Alex glanced at the wet t-shirt drying on the table that Julie discarded after the shower. "US Soccer? Ever think of a playing professionally?" she asked, thinking of one of the only things she knew about the girl sitting beside her to start conversation. Immediately, she thought she had made a mistake, since obviously Julie would want to be a musician with all she does with music at school._

_Julie smiled, reminiscing about the time she stole the shirt from Hope the last time she saw her. "Yeah, actually. For a while I was torn between soccer and music, but then I thought why not do both? Soccer when I'm young and trumpet player when I'm older. I mean, you hear all these stories about athletes becoming doctors or something when they retire, why can't I do the same thing? It's better than wasting away in an office with other people who also hate their lives," Julie shrugged. "What about you? You're a pretty talented player."_

_"Yeah, I mean, that's the goal anyway, but going pro is so unpredictable as a career. My parents want me to get a more steady job like my sisters, but I dunno, I might try for it."_

_"Might? Gee, I thought the great Alex Morgan would be a little more confident."_

_"Excuse me?"_

_"Oh, I'm sorry, I don't mean to-I just meant that you're so, you know, self assured on the field and there's not much else I've seen of you. You'd look good with it off the field too," Julie complimemted offhandedly. When she saw Alex still gazing at her puzzled, she smiled pleasantly and went to dig her phone charger out of her backpack._

_This surprised Alex to an extent. It didn't feel like the same person she had seen doing stupid things all the time with Kelley and Tobin. This person was a little softer, a little more complex and thoughtful. She was intrigued._

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**Wednesday, December 26, 2017**

They spent the rest of visiting hours in Julie's hospital room. The doctor said that the first few days are critical for coma patients and sacrificing part of their winter break was a small price to pay to make sure they were there when their best friend needed them most. Morgan was staying with Christen for the time being since staying at Julie's wasn't an option like she had originally thought("What do you mean there's a federal investigation going on there?" "Well, who gives a shit, it's not like they'll be searching her room." "It's not a felony if the Feds don't find out!").

"We're coming back tomorrow too, right?" Kelley asked. Everybody made some tired, incoherent noise that wasn't exactly a word, but sounded like an affirmation so she nodded.

"Hey, wait!" Morgan called before everyone left the hospital. "I-I was wondering if I could read the suicide note."

They shared a pitying look. "There was no suicide note..." Christen said grimly. Morgan cocked an eyebrow.

"What? Of course there was. Come on, Julie's always leaving stupid notes all over the place, you think she'd stop now, of all times?"

"Well, even if there is one we can't exactly go to her house and look for it. Remember that whole 'breaking and entering into a federal crime scene is a felony' conversation we had? Remember those jail times we Googled?" Christen said. Morgan's demeanor hadn't changed.

"Fuck that, I'm going over there!" she said, and then marched out of the hospital wing they were in. Kelley chased after her, but they doubted any effort she could make would work.

"I think I'm going to go with her," Alex said.

"What? No! What if you get caught?" Tobin said hastily.

"What if she really did leave a suicide note and then doesn't pull through, and the last message she wanted us to know gets tossed in a trash bin somewhere like the rest of her stuff? I'm going, and if I'm sure if we get caught there's gonna be some sympathetic agent who'll understand," Alex said, and leaving no room for argument, swept off in pursuit of Morgan and Kelley.

For the entire drive home, Christen tried talking them out of it, but to no avail. They stopped in front of Christen's house and the two hopped out and strutted off into the darkness between Christen and Julie's houses to try to go through Julie's bedroom window. "You know, I've never actually seen her room. She never let me go in here."

"Yeah, you're about to find out why," Morgan muttered. "I was in here for couple minutes last time, and if she wanted to keep Carli and all her other shit a secret then she definitely wouldn't have let you in here, among other reasons..." she added in an undertone.

They stood in front of the window she normally uses to go in and out, but finding it to be closed, however not locked. The veins of splintered wood at the bottom where Julie previously pried it open weren't deep enough for them to open it themselves, and Morgan sighed. "I can't believe I'm about to do this," and then plunged her hand into the snow at the base of the house. Rooting around for a few seconds, she pulled out a small crowbar and immediately dug her hand into her jacket to warm it up again. "Stupid fucking Chicago snow. Here," she thrusted the crowbar into Alex's arms.

For a second she fumbled with it in her hands, having never used one to break into somewhere, then awkwardly stuck the narrow end on the crease at the bottom of the window. The frame slid up fairly easily as Julie made sure it was well oiled so she could slip in and out easily. There were a bunch of holes in the wood and a pile of mangled nails sat on the bedside table. "Fucking Steven," sneered Morgan disgustedly.

"Holy shit," Alex gasped. It was as if the room had been split right down the middle. One half looked completely normal-a bed, some posters on the wall, a dartboard and a small couch in the corner. Stands and trumpet cases were scattered around too, with other music and soccer paraphernalia. Spanning an entire wall was a loose, massive collage of photos, seemingly placed in chronological order, ranging from Walgreens printed photos to polaroids to drawings side by side with the pictures they were inspired from.

The other side was a completely different story. Peculiar items like a giant foam hand doing the peace sign and a human sized plastic Santa Claus with various grafiti drawn on it with permanent marker. On the wall beyond all the random stuff was a long scorch mark about four feet long spanning across, and next to that three cork boards duct taped together with throwing knives, stars, and a butterfly knife sticking out of it. Right in the middle of it all was a desk cluttered with smaller trinkets and school supplies. Alex remembers FaceTiming Julie and seeing her sitting at that desk, never knowing what was hiding behind the confines of the camera.

A small pool of blood lay on the floor where Julie fell out of her chair.

"Yeah, don't look too far into it. She buys this kind of shit sometimes to see if Kristi will ever notice the charges on her credit card, and seeing how much shit there actually is, I guess she never did," Morgan explaimed mundanely, like having a mannequin head with about eight different kinds of hats placed precariously on top was something everyone had in their bedroom.

Alex examined the photos on the wall while Morgan sifted through her stuff. On the far left were the oldest pictures. Toddler Julie, Morgan and Zach were running around in many of them, probably because nobody could get them to stand still long enough to snap a picture. Many of them had Julie and occasionally someone else with a girl much older than her. "Hey, this is Carli, right?" Alex asked.

"Yeah. Hope used to really like photography, that's why there are so many of them," Morgan said.

She was pretty. Looked nothing like Julie, but judging by the pictures they're very similar. Carli wore soccer jerseys and marching band uniforms, and one polaroid was a picture of them sitting at a table together doing homework together, and was labeled as such. Well, maybe that last one wasn't really like Julie, but many of the others were. They seemed close.

Alex grinned as she got to the newer pictures. She was in a lot of them, but she never knew she got them developed. After seeing Julie laying with an almost dead expression for the entire day, the smiling faces and fun displayed on the wall was a welcome change.

There were a couple pictures of a baby, who, not to be mean or offensive, but looked a little mangled and messed up. She wondered who he was, and why Julie had pictures of him on her wall.

"Christen said she was doing stuff on her desk before she smallowed the pills, but there's nothing here," said Morgan as she sifted through Julie's belongings. Alex went over and helped her sort all the stuff into piles. Eventually the last item was a blank notebook. Morgan flipped through the pages carelessly.

"Oh...I found it," she whispered. On the second to last page was about half a page of a messy, hurried writing. At the top, the date had been erased and replaced with a new one, Christmas Eve and Christmas respectively. Neither noticed the folded up letter in the shadows that was accidently swept off the desk in the sorting.

Morgan let Alex read it first. She cried the whole time she read it, with as much vigor as if she hadn't already spent all day doing that. But it was nothing compared to what happened when she turned the page.

**Alex**

**I'm so sorry**

**Julie**

Alex flipped back and forth between the front and back several times, searching for something more. "Th-There's no joke, no snarky attitude. There's nothing..." she whimpered. She threw the notebook back down on the desk and sat gingerly on the bed, eager to be as far away from it as possible. Morgan lingered for a second, running her finger along the wire spine where small strips of paper were stuck in the spiral from where other pages had been torn out.

Morgan climbed onto the bed with her and wrapped her arms around her. "You know, when we were nine Jay had to get stitches because she fell through a window," she said after a while.

Alex sniffled and sat up, folding her hands in her lap. "What?"

"Yeah. It was an old house with fragile windows and she fell right through. Just-" Morgan popped her lips and pointed her finger forward to demonstrate it.

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Because I thought you could use a laugh and telling you a story about me being stupid wouldn't be nearly as funny."

Alex laughed wetly and blew her nose. "Tell me more stories."

Morgan blinked a few times. "Really? Because the last time I did that I kinda came off as an asshole. I mean, I was kinda being an asshole, but..."

"I don't care. Tell me about how my girlfriend was a dumbass. I want to hear it," Alex demanded.

"Okay, uh...okay, there was this time when we were about eleven..."

For the next two-ish hours, Morgan told her the tales of Julie's childhood. She explained the stories behind some of the photos on the wall and showed her pictures and videos on her phone.

Alex loved it. It reminded her of the first night Julie came to her house.

A warm memory.

 

But later, about twenty minutes after Alex went home, Morgan told Christen she left her bag at Julie's house. The scraps stuck in the notebook was itching at the back of her mind, but she didn't want to pursue it with Alex there. Hell, she didn't even want to be there, but this was going to bother her forever if she didn't at least look.

She searched every box, nook and cranny in the room. And for a moment she felt stupid when she opened the desk drawer and found exactly what she was looking for, but it was all erased when she started reading.

Six notes, dated periodically over the last four years, predecessors to the one she found a few hours earlier. And as her legs gave out, she collapsed on the floor, quickly becoming a mess of emotions and sobs because for once, there was no one to be strong for. No one's hand to hold. It was like a crack in the dam, the floodgates opening.

But of course, she would never even think of telling anyone about what she had found, because she knows how much her best friend wants to be seen as a brick wall, an immovable force. Nobody needed to know now anyway. Especially not Alex.

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**Saturday, December 29, 2017**

Beeping. That fucking beeping. It was the first thing Julie heard when she woke up, and she wanted it to stop. Her head throbbed intensely like she was standing in a striking bell. In fact everything about her hurt. Squinting until her eyes adjusted to the light, she looked around at her surroundings. A hospital room. On every table and open space were cards, balloons, and boxes of candy, chocolates, teddy bears, and other soft trinkets.

An IV was stuck in her arm and grey plastic clip was loosely clasped to her index finger. "The fuck? Hell no," she muttered to herself. The clip was the first to be pulled off, but it made the beeping to stop and be replaced by a loud prolonged noise.

A nurse and a doctor rushed into the room and tried to push back down. "What are you doing? Stop!" she said, and pushed back against them.

"Ms.Johnston, you have to relax."

"Hey, what's going on?" someone from down the hallway yelled. A flock of feet hurried to her room and her friends appeared in the door, scrambling over each other to see inside. They all looked shocked and ecstatic. At the sight of them, she relaxed and allowed herself

"Guys, what's happening? Why am I in the hospital?"

A deafening pause. The smiles on their faces slid off as quickly as they came. "You don't remember?" Kelley gaped.

"Remember what?"

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so sorry it's been so long. I wrote like an 8 thousand word chapter that's not really a normal chapter so i think i'll split it in half because i know it stresses me out when something is too long. After that I just have 1 more to write and then i'll just release them in 1 week intervals, and then i'm done. Cool? Cool


	20. Merry Chrysler

**Saturday, December 29, 2017**

They said nothing as the nurse fussed over their friend, who whined in pain every once in a while. Just stood there, still as stone, unable to speak.

Finally the nurse gathered her equipment and looked cautiously between everyone in the room. "I'll uh, go get some drugs for your pain," she mumbled hurriedly.

"Yes, lots of them, _please_ ," groaned Julie, rubbing circles in her temples. "So what happened, did I like, fall down the stairs or something? Because I remember putting on those socks that I always slip in," she said, and surveyed the unchanging faces of her friends. "Okay, so that's a no. Oh, by the way, merry Chrysler."

Kelley, Christen, and Tobin exchanged nervous glances, but Alex never tore her eyesight away from her now conscious girlfriend, looking a little sick and punch-drunk. "Uh," Christen stuttered. "JJ, it's...it's not Christmas anymore."

"What? It-It's no-what?" Julie eventually managed to say. She laughed timidly, more so out of dawning fear than any sort of humor she could think of. "What do mean it's not Christmas? How long was I out?"

Silence. Nobody want to say it;nobody wanted to tell her about the four days they had been in agony, sitting in the uncomfortable chairs with pits in their stomachs that felt like it could drop them to the floor if they stood wrong. But now that intense anxiety was replaced by a new feeling:pity. A deep, soul wrenching pity that seemed to pull at the edges of their mouths into permanent frowns. Pity that made their eyes wide and soft, like they were going to cry without tears.

Julie huffed, her cheeks billowing out with air. Nobody was giving her the answers she wanted, and given the circumstances and seeing as how she was the one who had mysteriously woken up in the hospital with stitches in her forehead and a sharp achy pain in her stomach, she felt like she deserved some answers.

Her eyes drifted off in annoyance and her attention was caught by a bright calendar in the hallway. Opened to December, every day of the month was crossed off leading up to the start of Hanukkuh, Christmas, and New Years, which were all circled. From there, it was pretty easy to figure out was day it was.

"Hmm," Julie hummed gently. "Happy birthday Chris." All of the alarms in her head were going off simulataneously, and she had a nagging suspicion on what happened, but still desperately clung to that slivver of hope that she got hit by a bus.

They were at a loss for words. But, for the time being, they were saved. Julie's attention had been diverted to outside her room, where an idiot had been running and tripped right in front of the window. Then, when the idiot got up, she realized who they were.

"Morgan?" she said distantly. "You're here."

"Yeah," Morgan said, smiling like crazy because she hadn't gotton the news.

"Alright, come on, what's going on? Guys, what happened?" Julie said. When she was met with silence, she scoffed and shook her head. "Fine."

Julie reached over her head to grab a clip-board hanging on her bed's headboard and began fipping through the first few pages. By the time anybody figured out what she was doing and Tobin ripped it out of her hands, it was too late. She already saw it.

"Oh," which is all she could say. Over the next several minutes she would recollect bits and pieces of what happened that night, not the whole story but enough to put together a cohesive timeline. The doctor called it spontaneous recovery, but she would always remember it as "that fucked up memory thing." It is by far the most bizarre experience she's ever had, and hoped that she would never feel it again.

Julie blinked several times, then cleared her throat and did her best to rid herself of shock. "So I finally got the balls to do it, huh? Good for me," she said confidently with a self gratifying smirk. But slowly, the smile faded into a grimace and she rested her head in her hands, hoping that if she shut her eyes really hard, this would all disappear.

"A-Are you fucking kidding me?" Morgan said angrily. " _That's_ all you have to say?"

"Well what do you want me to say? You want me to tell you my whole ass depression story? You want me to tell you about every other time I've almost done this with specific details like a god damn English essay? Because I'm not fucking going to!" Julie snapped. The two glared intensely at each other.

"Not the time, guys," Kelley said brusquely.

Morgan huffed and sat back in a chair while the others said their typical, 'my friend just pulled through a suicide attempt and I don't know what to say now' lines. It was pretty brief because they all recognized that a hospital twenty minutes after she woke up is not an optimal time to have a deep conversation. Every once in a while, they would catch Julie's eyes drifting away to Alex, but she wouldn't meet her eyes.

Nobody minded too much;they all knew they would talk individually sometime in the future anyway, so they could be patient. There were two people there who felt like they couldn't wait though.

"We should give them some space," Christen said. She never specified who 'them' was, but everyone knew she was referring to Morgan and Julie. Alex would have her turn soon enough, and it was probably going to be a hell of a lot longer than Morgan's.

Alex nodded and got to her feet. A lot of the pressure had been alleviated in the past hour, but she knew that this was just the beginning. Her shoulders were tense and her fingers fidgeted with her phone case in her pocket, a nervous tick.

For a moment before she walked out of the room, she and Julie made eye contact. Julie's lips parted like she wanted to say something, but no sound ever came out, so she left. Just as the door closed, they caught a snippet of the start of their conversation, which happened to be "So I got some good news and your parents." Alex chuckled weakly and parted from her friends, opting to take a walk around the hospital instead of sitting around and talking about things she didn't walk to talk about.

As she ambled through the halls, smiling to an old man in a wheel chair who had once insisted that she was his granddaughter, Alex found herself unable to be as angry as she was the first day when she talking with Morgan. Instead she felt quite sad. Sad that the most important person in her life had decided that life wasn't worth living anymore. Sad that she wasn't enough to get her to stay. Sad that apparently Alex hadn't made Julie as happy as she made her.

Sad that her first love had almost died.

And she used to be sad that she had never told Julie that she loved her and might have missed her chance forever.

But she didn't. And now, she'll make sure to never miss that opportunity again.

Twenty five minutes later, she rounded back to a terribly ununique door, with only a number to differentiate it from the next. Inside, she could see Julie and Morgan sitting together on the bed, hands clasped together and leaning on each other for support, tears tracks down both of their faces. When Morgan saw her she nodded in acknowledgement and brought herself to her feet, said a couple last words to Julie and hobbled to trade places with Alex.

"It's okay to come closer, the doc said I don't have a fever anymore," Julie said when she saw that Alex had stopped just after shutting the door.

"Don't," Alex said, dangerously quiet. " _Don't you dare_ try to trivialize this with your stupid jokes. I'm so done with that shit now. I've spent four days in this fucking hospital waiting for you to wake up so that is not how this is going to go."

Julie raised her hands in surrender and sucked a gulp of air through her teeth. "Okay. Okay, fine, I'm sorry. Just, please, sit down," she motioned to the empty spot Morgan had previously filled.

The second Alex laid down she buried her face in Julie's neck, sobbing like she never had before. Occasionally she would mutter things like "I almost lost you" and "We were so worried about you." But the only thing Julie could do was pat her back and wait for it to stop. Never once had she said "I'm sorry" or anything of the sort, because the truth was that she wasn't sorry. She was not about to apologize for succumbing to a disease that she fought for years. For some people it was a winnable war, and for her it was not, and she had accepted that.

"Everything alright now?" Julie asked softly.

"Yeah," Alex said, and wiped her nose with the back of her hand. "Okay. Okay, yeah," She got out of the bed and sat in a chair just beside it, because she knew that if she stayed where she was, so close to the person she almost just lost, she wouldn't be able to say the words she needed to say. "Look, I just have to know:if I picked up the phone that night, could I have stopped it?"

A beat. "No. Alex, I didn't call for you to stop me. I called to say goodbye...and because I wanted to hear your voice one last time. I-I didn't want for the last time we talked to be a fight, because guess what? You are so important to me and you've helped me so much more than you could possibly know, and this shouldn't be the ending we get."

"But it's the ending you decided on."

Julie took a sharp breath and looked down at her twiddling fingers in her lap. There was so much she felt like she needed to say too, but her fixed inner voice had said _No_.

Nobody needed to know. It wasn't any of their business anyway. And she had never responded well to pity, which is all she saw whenever something tragic(like her entire life) was witnessed by her friends, because it made her feel sick. So isn't it better for everyone to keep it quiet? She didn't have to talk about things she didn't want to, and they don't have to worry about a stupid lost cause.

"Yeah, I...yeah, I guess so."

"You guess so? So then what, is that your way of telling me you want to break up?" Alex cried. At this point, she had no idea what was happening, but she felt that disgusting feeling of anger anxiety and confusion pool in her torso, like it was slowly being pumped in, and it wasn't going to stop anytime soon.

"What? No, of course not! Didn't you hear me say a couple seconds ago how much you mean to me?"

"Well if I mean so much to you, how come I wasn't enough for you to want to stay?" Alex yelled.

There, she said it. And immediately she felt like taking it back. The silence screamed in her ears, and she wanted Julie to say something, anything. But instead, for a solid seven seconds(although it felt like much longer), she got a face whose mouth had dropped open just a little, limp muscles and a slightly scrunched brow as she tried to comprehend and process where their conversation had taken them to.

"Is that what you think? That you're not enough for me?" Julie said, then laughed coldly in disbelief. "If it wasn't for you I would've offed myself months ago. I was so close to doing it the night I slept in your pool house, you don't even know."

"But?"

"But I lost my pills. I left them upstairs back in April and never realized it. When I figured out I wasn't going to find them anytime soon, I packed up and left."

"So the reason you're still here is because of a fucking accident?" Alex choked out incredulously.

"I guess you could put it like that."

Alex looked away as her eyes became wet once again. Julie did too, but mostly out of sheer uncomfortableness.

"Why didn't you ask for help?" Alex said as soon as the question popped in her head. "Why didn't you call before? We could've avoided this whole thing. Any one of us would have been so eager to help, and all you had to do is fucking _ask_." Alex said. "Depression shouldn't be something you feel the need to hide."

"Well unfortunately for us, saying it doesn't make it so, does it Alex?" Julie snapped. Of all the things to talk about right now, this is not one that Alex was either experienced in or knew anything about, and the very statement irritated her to no end.

Julie scoffed, burying her head in her hands. She was so not ready for this conversation. "Alex, did it ever occur to you that I don't want to be saved? Maybe I don't want to be the damsel in distress who needs the knight to come and save the day, because it's always the same day every single fucking time, in every single fucking story.

"Maybe the damsel is so sick of the day that she just wants the story to be over. Maybe one day when the villain sticks her with the helpless victim card, she decides that's the last straw. Maybe that's the day the damsel stops waiting for the story to change and takes matters into her own hands and tries to change the one thing she feels like she has control over," Julie said. Her chest heaved slightly with her deep breaths, as though the confession had winded her. But upon seeing Alex's crestfallen face, she felt like she needed to say more. "And maybe the damsel isn't sorry for wanting to end the story, but she is sorry for the pain she's caused her friends. Maybe the damsel would give anything to not have to see the heartbroken face of her girlfriend, who she loves more than anyone else."

Something Alex would always think about that moment is how strange it was Julie never cries like she did. But would she never asked why, because she herself had never experienced depression, and whatever was going on in Julie's head was something she knew she wouldn't understand at the moment. How hollow it feels to be eaten away by depression and a shitty family for years, the utter emptiness in her soul.

But what she would comment about later is the way her eyes looked so dull and glazed over, the sheer hopelessness in her voice. The scary moment when she realized that the girl who everyone depended on for a ray of sunshine in the sometimes harsh environment of high school wasn't actually a ray of sunshine, but instead just a good actor.

"Okay," Alex said. Among the rush of emotions that flooded her senses as she listened to Julie talk, there was an extreme satisfaction, honored that she had trusted her enough to say tell her this. So she determined not to fuck it up. "Would the damsel feel comfortable telling her story?" she said softly. Julie nodded subtly.

"Sure. Okay, so on Christmas, I-" she began

"No I meant, like, the real story. The one that started seventeen years ago that you wanted to end. I want to hear it all."

"Really?" Julie chuckled nervously. "Because I don't what Moe told you, but it's not really a fun story."

"Yeah, I gathered. I also don't care. I want to know."

Julie stared at her and cracked a smile. "Okay then."

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See you next week. This one was pretty short, but they get really fucking long from here, so if you don't like that, then sorry.


	21. You're Fucking Wrong, Asshole

**Saturday, December 29, 2017**

"My whole life, I never knew why Steven and Kristi hated me so much. It was so bizarre because my sister was like their crowning jewel, and then there was just me. I was confused, and then I got angry and hated them back, but now I think I've pieced together some of it."

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**Sunday, October 18, 1999**

"What the fuck, Kristi? How could you fucking cheat on me?" Steven roared. He slammed his hand down on the kitchen counter top with a thick thud.

"What am I supposed to do? We haven't had sex in months and we both know you don't love me anymore!" Kristi screamed back.

"So then you just went out and got pregnant with another guy?!"

"Yes! It's not my fault you can't be bothered to meet with the needs of your own damn wife, Steven!" cried Kristi. Steven scoffed and shook his head. "And don't you go taking the high moral ground, I know you slept with that whore bartender last month!" she said accusingly.

"How do you know about that?"

"Word travels fast in this town, Steven!"

Steven groaned loudly, pulling at tufts of his hair and pacing around the kitchen. The tense silence was broken when he kicked at a low cabinet door in his fury. He opened the fridge door and pulled out a beer, taking a large swig of it before slamming it down on the table with an air of finality. "I want you to get an abortion," he said, much calmer.

"What? No!"

"You have to! Think about the message you're giving our daughter!"

"Like how here father's a fucking hipocrite? I'm not aborting this baby," growled Kristi and she placed a hand protectively on her stomach, which was just barely starting to grow a bump.

"Goddamn it, Kristi!"

"You ass, why do you have to be so difficult?"

"I'm being difficult? You're the one who fucked some random bar man! And you know what? I don't want this baby to have my last name."

"I can't believe how petty you're being."

"Well shit, Kristi, _I_ can't believe you cheated on me. Fuck!" Steven shouted. He snatched his beer off to the table and stormed out the front door, picking his car keys from a bowl on his way out.

Kristi stared at the door for a couple seconds in low hopes that he would come back. He didn't. Contrary to what Steven thinks, she really does want this marriage to work out. Admittedly, the fetus in her uterus wasn't helping the situation.

She then turned her attention to the small curve of her stomach poking through her shirt. In coordinance for her thoughts, her upper lip curled up into a snarl of utter contempt.

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"So then I was born, obviously, and I think right from the get go they were like 'fuck this kid'. But Carli got it right. She saw that they were being shitty parents and tried to fill in the blanks, even though she was like eight."

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**Wednesday, June 29, 2000**

Loud cries penetrated through the walls of Carli's bedroom. Her eyes crept open and she lethargically rubbed them while she crawled out of bed and across the halls to her parents bedroom.

Kristi wasn't home(she'd been taking a lot more late nights at the office, even though missing at 3:00 in the morning shouldn't really qualify as a late night anymore), so Carli went to Steven. His arm hung over the side of the bed and his body was racked with snores every couple seconds.

"Dad. Daddy," she tugged on his arm. "Julie's crying."

  
Steven growled lowly and clenched his fist, but otherwise showed no intentions to move. "Ignore it, she'll stop soon enough."

  
"But Dad-"

  
"Carli. It's three in the morning. Go back to sleep."

  
Carli frown and huffed. She turned and marched out of the room, but instead of going back to bed, she went into the nursery right next to it.

  
A small nightlight illuminated the crib in the corner where the crying baby laid. Carli stuck her hand through the bars and held Julie's tiny fingers in her own, swaying them gently but to no avail.

  
She pursed her lips determinedly and dragged over a wooden chair. Precariously, she perched on the top rung of the backing and climbed over the railings, into the crib with Julie. "Shh," she cooed softly as she curled herself around the infant, careful not to squash her.

  
After a few moments, the crying stopped at the comforting touch of her sister. But Carli stayed, and soon fell asleep in the crib with Julie, her index finger clutched tightly in the fist of the small child next to her.

  
It would be the first of many times that she would do this, but never to her own chagrin.

  
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"And then when I was about four I met Moe when she was moving into the house in the next neighborhood over that shared our backyard. My saving grace, the Brian family. I met Zach a little while later at the bus stop on the first day on kindergarten. He never lets me forget it because I slipped on his football into him and got this massive scrape on my arm. But seriously, who brings a fucking football to the bus stop? Jackass."

  
Alex chuckled at the thought of young Julie getting into trouble with Morgan and Zach and she was happy she met her best friends so young. Julie smiled too, but more so out of the sight of Alex, and knew that she definitely wouldn't be able to tell some stories here.

"Carli was a drummer. She got into music almost as early as soccer...which meant that I got into music pretty early too. As soon as I was tall enough to reach the pedals on her drum set, Car started teaching me how to play. That's why I'm not too terrible with the drums at school, if you've ever wondered. If it wasn't for her, I probably would have never gotten into it at all."

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**Saturday, February 22, 2007**

"Car please? I really want to try!" whined Julie. For years, she had listened to Carli practice and it sounded so cool when she did it. But now she was finally about tall enough so she could reach the pedals with her feet, and she wanted to try.

"Okay fine." Carli got up and lowered the snare, high hat, and stool as far at they could go so Julie could play. She beckoned her over, which she excited complied with, and plopped down on the black stool and spun around on it. "Alright so you put you fingers here...a little looser, the fulcrum has to be-wait you don't know what that is...your index finger has to be sorta like...yeah, perfect!" Julie smiled and banged on the drums and cymbals for a little bit, but was dissatisfied because it didn't sound good like how Carli does it.

"Car, teach me how to do it like you do," Julie said. Carli chuckled fondly and stood behind her, wondering how to best do this, but although she had been drumming for a fairly long time now, she had found herself unable to teach a seven year old girl a simple rhythm.

"Uh, okay, so you can take your right hand and hit the high hat on quarter notes-oh, you don't know what those are either, uh...put your left foot on the pedal and hit the high hat when I clap," she began clapping a slow, steady rhythm. It was difficult for Julie to keep with it, but after a while she was able to hit the down beats with semi-accuracy. She felt so proud of herself.

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"Cute," Alex said. She hadn't heard much of Carli yet, and this left a warm feeling in her stomach. "Wait, wasn't this was supposed to be a sad story?"

Julie smiled sadly. "Yeah, but then I chickened out and told you about meeting Moe instead."

Alex chuckled and kicked up her feet on the hospital bed, moving her chair so it's parallel with Julie so she could hold her hand without tiring out her arm. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. I know you don't like talking about it. It's okay, I get it."

"No, no, it's okay. I want to," Julie said. "I want you to know that I trust you."

Involuntarily, Alex grinned. "Okay, so I guess we gotta go back to the beginning. Kristi cheated on Steven, I was a mistake, blah, blah, blah.

"I think when I look back on it, my problems really started when I first went to school. Because maybe if I was like Carli, like the kind of kid they wanted, something could've worked out, but I wasn't. I'm not. I could've never lived up to the standards that she set because the fact of the matter is, Carli and I are just different in all the ways that Kristi and Steven wanted us to be the same. Well, wait, I'm getting carried away. Let's just start in kindergarten."

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**Friday, November 8, 2005**

"Mr. and Mrs.Johnston? May I speak with you for a second?" Julie's teacher Ms.Samberg said.

"No, no, no, my name is Lloyd. _That's_ Mrs.Johnston," Steven said gruffly, jerking his head towards his wife. They were picking up Julie from school, then going to drive over to Phoenix to visit Kristi's parents. Carli had already been dragged away to the other side of the room so Julie could show her the drawings she made that day.

"Uh, well Mr.Lloyd and Mrs.Johnston, I wanted to talk to you about your daughter."

"What about her?"

"For God's sake, Steven, shut up and let her talk," Kristi said, voice full of venom and exasperation.

Ms.Samberg felt flustered;it was her first year teaching and she had never met parents like this. "Um, well, Julie seems a little slow in class. She's not reading as well as the other kids and she doesn't seem to be able to grasp concepts that we just went over. She's very despondent during learning times and I wonder if there is something else going on."

"What are trying to say?" Steven said.

"I think it would be best to have Julie tested."

"Tested? For what?"

Ms.Samberg glanced around at the other parents in the room and realized that they should have taken this out into the hall or somewhere more private, but it was too late now. "Mental retardation."

"You trying to tell me Julie's retarded?" Steven muttered as her looked back over his shoulder at his two daughters.

Ms.Samberg winced and the harshness of his words. "I'm not definitively saying anything, but I would highly recommend that she see a psychologist. I have a list of experts in the area if you would like," she offered up a small packet to the parents. Steven sneered and turned on a heel, brisquely calling for Julie and Carli as he walked out. This kid was beginning to cause more problems than she was worth. Kristi took the list with a small obligatory grin before following.

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**Saturday, October 23, 2005**

Julie sat next to Carli in a pleasant feeling lobby. Last week, her parents to her to see a woman who played a lot of games and puzzles with her and now they were back. She was a nice woman and the room around her was filled with colorful paintings and toys. It was much more captivating than that stuffy classroom with the boring teacher. Why should she have to learn about numbers and words? She could count and knew enough to read her favorite book, what else does she need?

Her parents were standing over near the room where she had played all the games, talking in whispers with the woman.

Carli cocked her head to the side and let go of Julie's hand, motioning her to stay there. She's been here before and taken the same tests when they wanted to put her in advanced classes in elementary school, so she knew what was going on.

She ambled over to about five feet from where her parents and Dr.Pom was standing. There wasn't much she heard, but it was enough.

"Are you sure?" Steven said.

"As sure as I can be. You should be happy, your daughter scored very highly on her IQ test. 146 is a genius level, you know," Dr.Pom said. 146 is 8 points higher than the score she got, Carli thought. For a moment she felt a pang of jealousy, then was overtaken by relief. She was really worried there.

"Well if she's supposed to be a genius than why isn't she doing good in school?" Kristi said.

"Well, while we were doing the tests, I noticed signs of childhood ADHD, and many children with that disorder tend to do poorly in school, however have a high IQ. We could-"

"Yes," Steven intejected. "Yes, I want to know what's wrong with her."

Carli frowned and went back to her chair. There's absolutely nothing wrong with Julie, no matter what her mom or dad or that doctor say. Nothing.

"Car, when are we going home?" Julie asked. She had become particularly enamored with a rubik's cube, thinking that if she just fiddled with it enough she would eventually solve it.

"I don't know. But hey," Carli tapped her on the shoulder to make her look up. "I want you to know that you're a very smart girl, and don't ever listen to anybody who says different."

"Okay?" mumbled Julie, confused as to why Carli was saying this all of a sudden. But nevertheless, she smiled, because Carli called her smart, and nobody's ever done that before.

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"And many, many, _many_ , tests later, I was diagnosed with not-really-moderate to severe ADHD, which was like, you know, big fucking suprise. I don't even get why it took so long, it was pretty damn obvious," Julie muttered bitterly. Alex scrunched up her eyebrows and mentally smacked herself in the head. She should've at least figured that out. She did an entire presentation on it earlier this month. "The doc recommended I take meds for it, but Kristi and Steven said no because they were convinced they could fix me themselves or whatever. Eventually when I was like 10 or 11 they'd agreed to get me some meds. Didn't really work out, but they refused to take me back to get a different dosage. Or, well, uh, I did try to kill myself with some of them so I guess that was a plus," Julie said. Alex glared at her. "No? Too early? Okay.

"For the longest time I was really shit at school. I'd be pulling Bs, Cs, and Ds, and I felt like every year teachers would patronize me and act like I'm too stupid to tie my own shoes, but wasn't like that. I just couldn't focus, and I thought a little differently than other kids. The beige walls and monotone didn't really help. I'd drift off and miss half the lesson, then go home and Carli would have to help me with my homework because I didn't remember anything from class. I tried not to do that too often though because I didn't want to be a burden and she was already so busy, but then I'd fail math which lead to a whole lot of shit from Kristi and Steven. Then, all of a sudden in seventh grade I'd be getting almost straight A's. To this day I still have no idea what happened. It's like the lights got switched on and everything just clicked. It was so weird, but I wasn't complaining.

"There's not really a next specific event that happened. But my life was kinda like living with the Dursleys from Harry Potter. I mean, Carli never would have let me live under the stairs, but I can definitely tell you there's some similarities."

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**Thursday, March 29, 2007**

"God, Julie, I can't believe you. I had to take off work to pick you up, and why? Because you decided to beat up some poor boy on the playground," Kristi ranted, angrily dropping her bag on the table and pointed at a chair on the table, which Julie sat in.

"Mom, he pushed Morgan in the mud! And I didn't beat him up, I hit him once!"

"Don't you dare argue with me! Ugh, why can't you be more like Carli? She never got suspended from school," complained Kristi. Julie's heart sunk. She wanted wanted to be like Carli so bad, but she can't, and she doesn't understand why. Carli is perfect in her eyes, and she's not.

"Mom-" Julie slid off the chair to follow her mother into the next room, but Kristi turned around so suddenly and red in the face that she just stopped in terror.

"Sit back down, and don't leave until I say so. I don't have words to express how angry I am right now," she fumed. Julie sighed and climbed back on the chair, banging her head on the back board in hopeless boredom, even though it's only been three seconds.

Two hours have passed. Two torturous, disgustingly mundane hours. A pile of salt is on the table in front of her, along with it's corresponding empty shaker. 238 grains of salt. That she counted. Twice.

A smile broke out on her face when Carli and Hope came through the back door. "Julie? What are you doing home so early?" Carli asked, her brow furrowing in confusion.

"I got sent home."

"What? Why?"

"Danny Welsh pushed Moe in mud so I hit him in the face."

Hope laughed and bent down to give her a high five. "Hope!" Carli swatted her hand away and said. "You can't fight violence with violence. You should've told a teacher."

Julie comsidered it for a second, eyebrows scrunched together. "Fuck that, he pushed Morgan!"

Carli's mouth dropped open. "Who taught you-Hope!" she turned around and looked expectantly at her best friend, who smirked and shrugged.

"Oh come on, that's adorable! She's going to be the only one in her year who knows how to properly use the word 'fuck'."

"She's seven!"

"She's gotta learn sometime!"

"Not now!"

Hope groaned. "Ugh, you sound just like my mom," she rolled her eyes and sat in the chair next to Julie. "Now, what did we say about swearing?"

"Don't do it in front of adults," responded Julie confidently.

"Or...?"

"Carli."

"That's right."

"Oh my god," muttered Carli. With one hand, she massaged the bridge of her nose and with the other she smacked Hope on the back of the head, but couldn't help but smile at the thought of Hope sitting down with her and teaching her the grammatical rules of "fuck". "Jay, how long have you been sitting there?"

"Uh, about two hours. Mom said not to move."

"What?" cried Carli. "Two hours?!"

"Uh huh."

Carli clenched her jaw and squeezed the water bottle in her hand until the cap threatened to pop off from the pressure. The only thing on her mind is how she's going to murder her mother and where to hide the body.

"Hope, go take her up to my room," she said, not exactly calm but not yet raging either.

"Okay...wait, what are you gonna do?"

"I'm gonna go kill a bitch."

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Julie just finished her math homework(more accurately, Hope finished her math homework), and she left Carli's room to get them some chips.

Carli came upstairs earlier, fuming and having a borderline asthma attack from how labored her breathing was. How could they treat a seven year old like this? Fucking assholes. Everyday, she loses a little more faith in her parents. Hope sent Julie out for a couple minutes so she could vent, but she heard most of it anyway.

"Julie? Did you get suspended today?" said Steven harshly. Today had not been his day. In the morning a cup of coffee spilled on his pants so it looked like he wet himself all day. Then his lunch got messed up in the fridge and on the way home, he got into an argument with some idiot on the road(so he might have stopped for a shot or two or six at the bar). Now his wife was bitching to him about a daughter he didn't even want who couldn't stop herself from causing issues.

"Yes?" she said timidly, unsure of where things were going.

"I can't believe you. Goddamm it, what the hell is wrong with you?" growled Steven, punctuating his last words by slamming his hands down on the kitchen table with such firce that pile of salt jumped visibly.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. Steven rose his head to stare at her. The dim lighting and bags under his eyes made him look even more menacing as he stalked towards her.

"Are you really? Because I get these calls way too often. 'Your daughter started a fight at school', 'Your daughter hit her head trying to do a flip off the monkey bars', 'Your daughter is failing all her classes!'" he shouted, progessively getting louder. With every step he took, she would take one back until he was standing back near stairs, ready to run if she needed to. Julie didn't understand why he was being so scary today. "Speaking of which, why are you doing so shit in school? I thought you were supposed to be smart. Or are you really that fucked up? What the fuck is wrong with you?"

Then she remembered something Hope and Carli said to her earlier: "If you know something is wrong do something about it. Don't let anyone push you around." And this felt very wrong.

Julie puffed out her chest and stared back up at Steven. "Carli said nothing is wrong with me."

"Well Carli's fucking wrong this time," snorts Steven to himself.

"No she's not! You're fucking wrong, asshole!" Julie shouted back. There was another word Hope taught her.

"Excuse me? You little fucking shit-" Steven grunted. He grabbed her by the shoulders and shoved her roughly in the nearby closet, wrapping a bike lock around the handle and the railing to the stairs so nobody could physically open the door. Her shrieks fell on deaf ears.

Kristi stared blankly at the floor, cupping her fingers around her tea and noting how odd it is that she feels nothing in this moment.

Upstairs, Hope and Carli tapped their feet to La Vie En Rose, one of Carli's favorite songs. They couldn't hear anything from downstairs, but did think it was weird that Julie wasn't back yet.

A pounding sound reverberated in Carli's room that felt like it was coming from the walls themselves. They glanced up from their homework, at the walls and then at each other, waiting for more.

It came, along a faint, but very recognizable scream. "Oh my God," choked out Carli as she dashed from her chair, followed closely by her best friend.

Steven was still standing near the closet, watching it pound back and forth with glazed over eyes. Hope rushed past her and pushed him back, screaming at him about how he's a terrible father and person, but Carli made a bee-line to the closet and yanked at the lock. There wasn't enough slack to slip it over the handle and seeing as how it was a new lock, she didn't know the combination.

"You gotta hang in there for me, Jay. I'm gonna get you out, okay?" she said, before running into the garage and knocking over half the stuff dumped in there to find the garden sheers.

Once she cut open the lock, Julie was pulled into a tight embrace and checked over for any sort of injury. They were both crying. But Carli steeled herself and sent Julie upstairs so she was safe while she took her own shots at Steven.

Things had just drastically changed, and now Carli knew for certain she had to do something about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, idk if this is shit or not, but it's almost the end. I'll put up the next one tomorrow, bc im tired today. Sorry for the abrupt end, but it will feed into the one tomorrow


	22. Whole Bag Of Salt On A Stab Wound

**Saturday, December 29, 2017**

"I slept over at Morgan's that night. Actually, I spent a lot of nights over at Morgan's after that night. Carli was hell-bent on keeping me out of the house. Like, fucking determined."

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**Friday, April 7, 2007**

"In... Out... In... Out..." Carli thought to herself as she tried to calm the nerves raging in her head. "Come on, you know you gotta do this."

The door in front of her opened and a small child who's missing one of her front teeth grinned upon seeing her. "Hi Carli!" Morgan said.

"Hi, Morgan. Are your parents home?" said Carli kindly. Behind her back she fiddled with a strap on her backpack, a nervous tick she developed since Hope had stopped her from scratching her arm. Morgan nodded and went to fetch her mother.

"Hello Carli," greeted Mrs.Brian. "Julie isn't here right now."

"I know. I'm here to talk to you, actually."

"Oh? Uh, then come in, come in," she beckoned, and lead Carli into the living room. "Water? Juice?"

"No, thank you, I won't be staying for long."

Carli glanced up the stairs and saw the door to Morgan's bedroom close and a little pressure was relieved from her mind. This was not a conversation she needed to hear.

She sat on the couch, looking into the attentive eyes of Mrs.Brian, and took another deep breath. "So, this thing hapenned last week..." And Carli told her what happened, a dull pain in her heart.

Mrs.Brian was appalled. "Oh my God. Do you need me to call someone?"

"No! No, no, no, you can't-they're gonna take away then, and that's not what she needs. I just wanted to ask if you'd be willing to let her stay here a little more often than she is now. You know, like after school and on weekends and stuff."

"Of course, of course. Do you need anything else?"

"No, it's okay. I got it all worked out."

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**Monday, April 10, 2007**

Carli and Hope walked onto the soccer field ten minutes early for practice. Carli had both their bags slung over her shoulders while Julie clung to Hope's back. Today, Julie had gotten off the bus on the stop a block away from the local high school intead of her own, and they met her outside as soon as classes ended.

Julie noticed that Carli was pushing her out of the house more. They would go outside to play soccer and spend time with Hope more instead of hanging out at home, but this is new.

Hope took Julie and veered off to the side and kicked around a ball with her while Carli went to talk to their coach.

And although she had gone over what she was going to say over and over in her head, she found it difficult to make the words come out at the moment. This was her first year on varsity, so this was a new woman, and divulging information so personal in someone so unfamiliar is hard.

"What is it, Lloyd?" she said, not looking up from her clipboard.

"U-Uh..."

"Come on Carli, spit it out."

"I-I was wondering if my sister could come to practice with us?"

Coach Hay scrunched up her eyebrows and looked up. A student had never asked her this. One quick glance around the field beought her attention to a small, giggling blonde girl playing keep-away with Hope and other players who are arriving.

"May I ask why?"

"Home isn't safe right now. My parents aren't good parents, and I don't want her to be alone with them," Carli confessed.

Coach Hay raised an eyebrow. "Is everything okay? Do I need to do something?" Carli shook her head, her eyes flickering to her sister and Hope. "Okay. Of course she can come. This won't interfere with your performance, will it?"

"No, of course not. She'll just sit in the bleachers and do homework or something. The time when she gets off the bus perfectly lines up with the end of school, so there's no issues."

"Good."

Carli thanked her and ran over to Julie, scooping her up with big smiles on both their faces.

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"So that was my life for a while. I'd go to her soccer practices during her season and Morgan or Zach's after school a lot. When her marching season started in the fall, I'd go there too. Sometimes they'd give me a clip board with the sets and I'd go to people and tell them they're on the wrong dot, and then when I turned around they would move back," Julie chuckled. "The point is, she was over-protective. Like _really_ over-protective.

"I feel like this gives off a bad impression of my childhood. It wasn't all terrible. I had a lot of fun with Moe and Zach. We made up this game called Splatball, like a combination of football and soccer because we always argued on which we should play. Now that I think about it, it was really dangerous, we got hurt...a lot..." Julie trailed off absentmindedly. She made wandering eye contact with Alex, who snorted, but it wasn't enough to clear up the somber mood. "Look, you don't have to look at me like I'm an abused puppy or something. I stopped caring about them after a while and I had a lot of good influences, okay?"

"Okay," Alex said softly, not quite believing it, and Julie could tell. Hell, she barely believed it herself, but she couldn't exactly say that.

A few times, Julie opened and closed her mouth, blinked several times in succession, and tapped her fingers on a side table.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. It's just-the next thing that happened was she died.

"I don't really wanna tell that story in depth. You just need to know that she was here one minute and just...gone the next. It still feels unreal."

"Morgan said you were on the phone with her."

Julie bit her lip. "Yeah," she said, quietly and hesitant. "I'll never forget that sound. For a split second, I could hear her scream. Oh my God, her scream. And then this disgusting sound of crunching metal, and the line went dead after that. Fuck, I'm never going to be able to get that out of my head," she shook her head and rubbed her face tensely.

"Obviously, I was in grief. But after months, then a year that turned into years, I still had that empty feeling in my heart. Not quite the kind of hole from a death, because I've felt that too, but this was different. I know I should've gotten help, but it's hard to find it when I can't even get out of my fucking bed," Julie scoffed. She fell back against the bed, laughing cynically.

"Fuck, I'm sorry, I'll keep going with the story," Julie apologized. "The summer after Car died I moved here. They said it was a change of scenery, but I'm pretty sure it was just to help Kristi with her drug shit, because after that she started going on her "business trips" all the time. Anyway, uh, when I told Morgan and Zach that I was moving, they were really upset. Then the next day they came back and said they were happy, because they said I needed to get the fuck out of Arizona, and they were right. I had a lot of shitty memories there and I was fucking miserable."

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**Thursday, June 6, 2014**

"I'll miss you, Jay," Zach said, hugging her tightly to his chest since he was already a head taller than her. Morgan sat on her front stoop, trying to swallow a lump in her throat because she didn't want this to be a barely decipherable conversation since it was probably going to be their last for a long time. She knew this was coming, and for months she convinced herself that this was for the best, but now on Judgement Day she couldn't face it. Her best friend is leaving.

Zach let go and Julie turned to Morgan, who sniffled, shook out her head, and practically tackled her. They wobbled together, still entangled in each others arms, and Morgan realized her goal of not crying was absolutely unrealistic. She was going to cry. A lot.

"I'm gonna miss you so much. I can't believe you're actually fucking leaving me with Zach," she mumbled, face buried in Julie's neck.

"Hey!"

"I can't believe I'm leaving you with Zach either. I'm so sorry."

"HEY!"

"Oh shut up, you oaf, you know you were thinking the same thing about me," Morgan said. Julie laughed. She was going to miss hearing them squabble all the time. She would always tell them to just make out already and be done with it, and act annoyed but really love making fun of them for it.

"Moe, promise me you'll tell me when you guys eventually fuck, okay?"

"Oh my God."

"Shut the fuck up!"

"Hey, I'm leaving, I can say whatever I want now."

Morgan's grin faltered a little bit and she sniffled. "Oh come on, don't do that to me. You know I don't even wanna leave here."

"No, no, no, you gotta leave. It's not good for you here and you know it."

"What's the point if the people who are making it not good are coming with me?"

"Because it's not just them. You conform yourself to be whoever everyone wants you to be, even if you don't want to be that. Stop. Reinvent yourself in Chicago. Don't be the ball of PlayDoh you are now. It's a fresh start, a new opportunity. Take it."

"And where did you read that?"

"Instagram."

Julie smiled. She knew what Morgan was talking about. Everyone is expecting her to be one thing or another. Kristi and Steven wanted her to be just like Carli, and she tried really, really hard to do that, but it's just not feasible. Zach wants her to always do good in school because he knows that if he was that smart, he would use it as much as possible. But the honest truth is that Julie just doesn't care about school. She doesn't care for the boring classrooms and consistently annoying teachers who still think she's the dumbest kid in the class, even though she's been doing well in the past few years. And Morgan just wants a friend to always screw around with, and Julie tries to make as much time as possible for that too. But what she really wants is hang out at the pitch and play soccer or practice her trumpet, which not many kids in middle school really want to do.

"Yeah. Yeah, okay, I will," Julie said. "But only if you agree to stop being such a dipshit all the time."

"Shut up," Morgan shoved her gently on the shoulder and glanced over to Steven and the moving crew, getting the last of the stuff into the truck. She swallowed, pursed her lips, and prepared for their final moments. "Okay. We aren't going to drift apart. Never. You and me and Zach are going to find some way to stay together, even if you live two timezones away."

"Yeah. We'll Skype or FaceTime every week and we'll never stop talking," Zach said, with the same wistful hope. Julie cocked her head slightly to the side and suppressed the urge to go hide on Morgan's basement until Kristi and Steven were gone, because she knew there was no guarentee that this would actually happen, no matter how much they say it will.

But she wouldn't say that, and hugged them both until Steven honked his horn to signal their departure. "Goo-"

"Don't you fucking dare say goodbye. This isn't the end," Morgan said, wiping tears from her eyes.

Julie scoffed wetly. "When did you turn into such a fucking cliché?" she asked, and picked up her backpack from the ground, hugged them both one last time and climbed into the car that would take them to the airport.

As the car drove down the street, Julie opened the sun roof, stuck her head out, and maniacally screamed, "I HATE BOTH OF YOU!"

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**Sunday June 9, 2014**

Julie stared down at the small orange bottle, held gingerly between her fingers. To a certain degree, these pills had helped her. Sometimes she felt like she could focus better, and her jittery habits and scrambled thoughts had somewhat stopped. But with them had come some other side effects. Her appetite is grossly low and she's often plagued by dizziness, trouble sleeping, irritable, anxiety, and overall it just felt wrong. In other words, Julie felt like the cons vastly outweighed the pros.

She had told Steven and Kristi that she doesn't want to take them anymore, or at least this brand, but then they would get extremely angry and start screaming because somehow, they had been convinced that these tiny pills were the only thing that could possibly "fix" her and had even gotten to the point where they'd check that she took them in the morning. Then Carli would get angry and scream back, but now Carli was gone, and she had to deal with things herself.

Admittedly, her rapid descent into grief and depression helped. She could feel herself slowly stop giving a fuck about anything anymore, and last week she did something Morgan and Hope have been encouraging for years:a swift middle finger and walking right out the front door, and then not coming back for three days.

Which brings Julie to the present. She's meeting Christen's friends in an hour and she needs to get ready and stuff, but she's been standing here, two pills in her palm. Does she want potential new friends to meet her as the drugged up, "there's something off about her but I can't put my finger on it" girl who would often switch back and forth between needing to do everything or not wanting to do anything at all, or the wonderfully crazy, hyper, amazing idiot with a small(large) impulse issue.

The choice was easy. Julie popped the cap back on, slammed it down on the shelf in the bathroom mirror, and left it there to collect dust for five months until the next time she felt like she was done with life.

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**Thursday, July 15, 2014**

Julie haphazardly juggled the ball back and forth around her body as she and Christen walked down the street back home. It was pretty late at night, and they decided to call it quits with Tobin and Kelley when it got too dark see the ball and Kelley's front teeth almost got knocked out.

"How do you still have energy? I'm spent," Christen murmured.

"Caffeine is a beautiful thing, Chris," grinned Julie.

"You've been playing soccer for seven hours."

"Eight hours actually, but we took a lot of breaks and you know it."

"Yeah-holy shit." Christen's attention had turned to a familiar vagrant who appeared to be peeing on her lawn. Her parents stood on their porch, both as baffled as she was.

Julie, however, stopped juggling her ball and let it bounce to the ground. "Dad, what the fuck?"

"What?" slurred Steven.

"Stop pissing on their lawn, dickhead!"

"Don't fucking tell me what to do, you fucking mistake!"

Julie groaned and mouthed an apology to Mr and Mrs.Press, who seem to be staring at her with such a disbelief that she felt uncomfortable.

"I should go home," Julie said, eyes never leaving Steven, who is still somehow peeing, and began trudging towards her house next door.

Christen jogged up to her house, where she was stopped at the door. "Christen, what are you doing? Go invite her over!" her mother said, pushing her away.

"What?"

"You can't let her go home with that man! Go, and don't come back without her!" Mrs.Press gave her another push and Christen rounded the house to knock on the window she knew belonged to Julie.

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"That was my life for a while. I learned to cope with my ADHD instead of trying to suppress it. And then, you know there was the depressed fuck that I was, that was pretty hard," Julie scoffed cynically. "I mean, there was some cool stuff. I got called up to the youth national team right before I turned 16, that was fucking awesome. I feel like I've made some strides with my music, and even if it didn't give me any joy whatsoever sometimes, I'm still really proud," she said, thinking back to all the times Kelley had introduced her to new freshmen as "Julie Johnston, the best fucking trumpet player you're ever going to meet".

"And you know, these last few months with you really have been the best in high school, but you gotta come down from every high, and it's kinda a bitch.

"I could feel it before it happened. The way I would lose energy and I feel like it's an effort to smile sometimes. Then one day, I woke up and I just couldn't do it. I couldn't bring myself to leave my bed, so I called in sick and stayed home. That was the day when we had that fight."

A tsunami of guilt crashed down on Alex. If she knew about to terrible time Julie had that day too, she wouldn't have so abrupt, so brutal. In fact she would like to think that she wouldn't have even been mad, and instead taken Julie to back to her house and watched movies in her pool house like they were so prone to doing. Maybe if she stopped and asked, she could have prevented something huge.

"My cousin Kate called me earlier too. She said her new brother Adam was born, but he had a lot of birth defects and physical disorders, and the way he acts as an infant they think it's a strong possibility that he has some mental disorders. Shit sorta runs in the family," she motioned to herself resentfully. "Kate was on the phone with me for a long time, and I couldn't even fathom how shitty that day was for them too. I just-the point is it didn't really help my then-current mental state.

"Then I totally fucked that solo and we both know how that turned out," Julie muttered begrudgingly. Alex nodded. To someone on the outside, it might seem like this is a really stupid reason to spiral further into depression, but Alex knows how much she wanted to do good on that solo. She wanted to prove to herself that she could do it, and she failed. Really what it was was a devestating blow to her self esteem in addition to the disappointment that anyone would have felt. Alex knew the feeling, like studying all night for a test and still not doing good anyway. A crushing disaster.

Julie sighed. "And then like a week or something later was Carli's death day. I always get sort of, uh, fucked up around that time. But this year I was already having a shitty month and this was like dumping a whole bag of salt on a stab wound. And I think you know what happened next."

Alex grimaced at the thought. "Yeah..."

"Yeah."

"So you just decided on Christmas that you were done?"

Julie pursed her lips into a tight line and sighed heavily through her nose. "No, not exactly."

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**Tuesday, December 25, 2017**

David Graham is his name. David Graham, with the nice smile and kind eyes and picture perfect family standing in front of their picture perfect house. The man who is supposed to be her real father who she just found out about ten minutes ago.

Kristi treated it like no big deal. "Yeah, Steven isn't your birth father, what about it?" she said, completely disregarding the lies and terrible life she had suffered at the hands of a man who isn't even her real father.

It wasn't even that she wasn't related to Steven, because that in and of itself was a gift. A blessing that she had dreamt about for years. No, it was the way the injustices had taken place.

"You are alive because of me, show some damn respect." "I gave you life and a genius intellect and you still act like a dumbass." "What the hell is wrong with you? This sort of bullshit doesn't run in my family."

Years of those snide comments left her a little bit messed up, and she knows that, so the fact that the basis of it all isn't even true makes her insides burn with fury.

The fight was short because Julie knew right from that first sentence that she wasn't going to get anything out of it. Five years ago, Kristi would have fought her over this just because of the sheer arrogance that she is always right. Now, she can't even been bothered to defend herself.

Then a thought occured to her.

It must have been ten years ago. She came home from Morgan's house to find a fight in full swing. Carli's face was beet red while spit flew from her mouth as she screamed with anger. "HOW COULD YOU LIE TO HER LIKE THAT? HOW COULD YOU TORMENT HER WITH ALL THAT BULLSHIT WHEN IT'S NOT EVEN TRUE?" she screamed. That was the only part Julie heard. Carli turned at the sound of the front door closing and screamed, with the same tone. "GO BACK TO MORGAN'S, JULIE!"

It confused her, why Carli had yelled at her like that. Apparently, the hurt showed on her face because for a second, Carli's expression softened before Julie ran out and slammed the door behind her.

Later that say, Carli would go into her room, apologized told her the fight was about Kate, who Carli was also quite fond of, then put on Julie's favorite movie, The Lion King because she knew how short of an attention span Julie had and that she could never stay mad at her.

Now, a decade later, Julie remembers that day, and a short question popped into her head.

Did she know?

Julie bit her lip and grabbed her phone. Even if Carli is dead there's still one person who might be able to answer her questions.

"Hello? Merry Christmas, kid! How've you been?" Hope exclaimed. In the background, undecipherable chatter, undoubtedly from a holiday party, made her words almost uncomprehendable. Suddenly, it died down as Hope moved into a different room.

"Did Carli know that Steven isn't my real dad?" Julie spilled out.

A pause. "How did you find out?"

"So that's a yes."

Hope sighed. "When we were sixteen she called me in the middle of the night, crying and said that she knew why your parents treat you like shit."

"They told her?"

"No, she figured it out. Something about a fight when your mom was pregant or something. I don't really remember, it was like ten years ago. Look, she didn't want to tell you because-"

Julie hung up. She didn't care was the reason was. Carli died four years ago, which left six years of lies that she fed her.

Carli, her hero, protector, and best friend kept the biggest secret about her own life from her, and never even hinted the truth.

In short, Julie was betrayed by the person she loved and trusted most, and that's what drove the last nail in the wood.

And now she's done.

But first she wanted to talk to Alex one more time, because she couldn't leave it the way they left it four days ago. But, thirty seconds later, she was met by her and Kelley's voice that they made as her voicemail last month that she still hasn't noticed.

Julie blew a gust of air out of her nose and made a decision. She whipped her phone at the wall and watched it smack against the plaster, screen smached to pieces. Oh well, it's not she'll be needing it anymore anyway.

She grabbed a container of her old ADHD meds and a bottle of Jack Daniels that she keeps in there under the sink.

Julie sat in her chair, gazing out the window absentmindedly as she popped the cap of the pills, thinking about how pretty the unbroken snow looks like in the moonlight.

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"So there it is. There's the whole story," Julie said. "Steven hates me because I'm a symbol of his wife's infidelity, and Kristi hates me because I blew up the last remnants of the perfect Disney Channel family she wanted. It didn't help that I wasn't at all what they wanted in a child, and where does that leave me now? I'm lying in a hospital bed after a fucking suicide attempt with a dead sister, a mother in federal jail, a father - step-father, God that makes me happy, on the run for some random shit he got into into the last few years, and haunted by decade old traumas that I can't seem to kick.

"Alex, I'm tired, and I'm so sick of my fucking life. I..." Julie chuckled frigidly. A pang of pity hit Alex. She looked so hopeless and desperate, Alex has no idea how she managed to hide it from other people so well. Or maybe Morgan is right, and she didn't hide it well but they were all blinded by her natural affinity to positivity. "I want it to be over. I can't do it anymore. I can't, I can't..." And that's when the dam broke.

Alex felt so useless in that moment, and knew of nothing else she could do except hold Julie's hand while she gets better.

"Alex?" Julie croaked quietly.

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

"I love you too," Alex grinned somberly and kissed the side of her head.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so theres one chapter left, and then this is done. This one was something that i thought of doing when i first began writing because i thought of this whole tragic backstory, and i sorta did it? But idk. Anyway, see you next week for the last chapter.


	23. You're Being A Lump

**Sunday, December 30, 2017**

Julie's mouth was pressed into a tight line as she said thanked the doctor who had just come into the room to half-heartedly tell her about the "importance of mental health" and to give her a list of specialists in the area, as if she hadn't already heard this same lecture every semester at school.

She glared at the back of his head as he left, her expression slowly becoming more and angry.

 _You could've at least acted like you cared, dickhead_ , she thought to herself. Alex noticed Julie's change in demeanor and put her hand on her arm, thinking back to the times she's heard her rant about this.

"Oh my God, that was awful," she had complained. "Like what the fuck? Are they expecting me to care about their state issued presentations? Do they think people are going to have epiphanies and stop being depressed after that? 'Jesus, that woman whose name I don't know just told me how to stop being depressed, my life has changed!' Fucking pricks," Julie sneered. Alex always wondered why this always made her so angry, although she did understand. Mental health education at their school was not well-done, so to speak.

A shaky, strained breath fell from Julie's mouth, but before any swear-heavy words could escape, Morgan beat her to it. "Holy shit, that guy was an ass. Can we just leave before another one comes in?" she said hopefully. "This room is gonna be site of my next nightmare."

" _Yes_ , that is a great idea Moe!" Julie said, far more enthusiastically than they were expecting. "Let's go, I'm craving a grilled cheese from Arlo's."

It wasn't too far out to say she was itching to leave the hospital. Her history with them was not amicable and so far in Illinois she had kept her visits to a minimum.

She and Alex laid in bed together("Fuck off, Kelley, we're not going to fuck in the hospital!") after they had their talk, and watched the Harry Potter marathon on HBO, but soon visiting hours were up and she had to leave. She had just woken up three hours ago, and while eating no solid foods and being a vegetable for four days was not exactly energizing, but she didn't want to go back to sleep right away either. So until about three thirty in the morning, she sat in her bed and stared at the same chip on the wall, plagued with the gradually growing pulling sensation in the front of her head that she knew all to well to be lethargy.

Around two forty-five, she began looking through the piles of gifts stacked around her bed and room. Luckily for her, a very full basket of cards was on her bedside table, written by teammates, marching band friends, and others who had come to know her one way or the other. These were what finally turned her night into a shitstorm.

She never really took the time to think about how her suicide would effect others. Now, it's all she can think about. Over two dozen cards told her how devastated they would be if she didn't pull through. There were some that were more heart felt than others, and the few that brought tears to her eyes.

At the very bottom were five cards, written by all her best friends that waited for her to wake up, dated two days after Christmas. This must be what they did while they waited that day. Written on notepad paper that the hospital supplied, they all had very similar formats:first was a long story of their favorite memory together, and then an even longer paragraph or five of what she means to them, and how empty life would feel like if she was gone.

Occasionally, a hospital staff member would walk by and linger slightly when they saw a teenage girl sobbing in her room, surrounded by a mess of cards and paper and illuminated only by a single dim reading light.

So no, she did want to be trapped in this hospital any longer. "Come on, now get your asses up and wheel me out!" Julie said. Her legs, on account of not moving for four days, were a little weak, so they gave her a wheel chair, that Kelley was currently sitting on, to get her out easily.

Her friends exchanged glances and looked back to her, but didn't say anything. "Guys?"

It was Christen who spoke up. "JJ, I know you hate those depression talks and everything, but he has a point."

"Christen..." Julie moaned, closing her eyes and massaging the bridge of her nose.

"You just tried to kill yourself!" Christen cried out. "You need help."

"No, what I _need_ is a grilled cheese sandwich and the will to live, but since we're still in this fucking hospital, I can't have either."

"Come on, Julie, I'm trying to be serious here."

"I am too. Look, I just woke up from my suicide coma _yesterday_ , and right now I just don't think I'm up to being psycho-analyzed and forced to talk about things that I've avoided talking about for four years. Ask me again in a week and then we can talk, okay?" Julie said gently.

Christen sighed. "Okay," she turned around to grab the wheel chair and then groaned. "Kelley, get up!"

"Wait!" Kelley said, tongue sticking out in concentration. She was trying to balance the chair on it's wheels at an angle so that she was tipped back and suspended in the air.

"Yeah Kell, get the fuck out of my chair! I wanna try!" Julie demanded.

"NO!" Christen yelled. Everyone else chuckled as they bickered about the wheel chair, but Alex just frowned. The conversation just went from Julie getting professional help to idiocy in an inappropriate setting. Something that had taken her interest yesterday and today was the way Julie could divert attention away from the subjects that matter to the most trivial things. It was an art form, really. Maybe not an art form Alex particularly liked, but an art form nevertheless. And she was quite good at it too, which complicated things a little.

Eventually, they got everything worked out, with Julie in the chair and Morgan driving her around. It was probably a good thing the hallways were wide because they were running down the length, Morgan jerking her back and forth in an effort to catch her off guard and spinning around in deserted areas. Alex can hear they're exuberant laughter echo off the walls, and smiled minimally.

This was the person she fell in love with. The one who made her smile when she wanted to cry, and held her up when she was about to collapse. But now, it was time to get to know the other side, kept at bay in favor of the other. The very thought that she felt like she needed to hide part of herself to not appear vulnerable or whatever gave Alex a sinking feeling inside. After the stories she heard last night, she's determined to improve Julie's dumpster fire life, even though she knows in her heart that she's probably not going to be able to do much.

Christen, Tobin, Alex, and Kelley, along with a cart full of Julie's gifts, caught up to them in the lobby, and waited for Julie to sign a bunch of forms. Christen's parents were going to take care of the other stuff later.

Julie handed back the clipboard to a lady and glanced up at her friends. Her face dropped slightly at the sight of the cart.

"So everybody knows, huh?" she mumbled as Morgan wheeled her out the door.

"No, we just told everyone that there was an accident and that you're in a coma. No one knows any details," Kelley said.

Julie nodded. "Good," she said, in a tone that vaguely meant _If the answer was anything other than that I would've been really fucking pissed._

They clumsily picked up Julie from the chair(she crossed her arms and laughed while they did it, absolutely no help at all even though she could have stood up, albeit shakily).

Tobin started driving. Julie was staying at Christen's house for the time being for many, very obvious reasons, but first before they could go there, she made them stop to get her a grilled cheese.

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**Thursday, January 3, 2018**

Morgan left the day following New Year's after making sure Julie had proper support and everything was situated. She was sad, yes, but also relieved, because now there's no one to be constantly there, even if she wanted to be alone. Maybe someone being constantly there is the healthier option, but she's not exactly going for healthy right now.

So for the past three days, she's been holed up in Christen's guest room, which was now basically her second bedroom. It wasn't a stretch to say that 80% of her time being spent in bed. Sometimes she would have concussion migraines and stomach aches, sometimes she would get sick of walking around with wobbly legs from her coma(although getting back into bed was not a good solution), and sometimes she just wouldn't feel getting up. Currently, she was in bed(again), bored out of her mind but lacking the energy to do anything about it. However, based solely off previous experiences, she knew that the second she got out of bed in this condition, she wouldn't know what to do and inevitably end back up under her covers. A vicious cycle.

A knock at her door. Christen peaked inside and bit her lip at the sit of her friend in the same position as she was the last time she checked in yesterday night, which Julie would call a coincidence, and Christen would call crippling depression. "You doing okay, JJ?"

"Peachy," Julie said sarcastically. Christen contorted her face into a gentle grimace and glanced around. It was dark last night, and she didn't get to see the rest of the room clearly in the lighting. But now, at about two in the afternoon, sun-light leaked through the curtains, illuminating the room that tore through by Hurricane Julie, which is no exageration. The desk was covered in papers that she swore weren't there the day before along with a large carboard box that was also filled with papers, and her laptop was charging on the floor. A pencil case was open on top of the mess, with pens and pencils strewn about.

"Uhh, wanna tell me what's going on here?" Christen said hesitantly.

"I was doing homework," Julie murmered into her pillow. She sniffed, shoved herself up from the mattress, and grabbed her stomach in a persistent pain that's been bothering her since she woke up.

"It's winter break, you don't have homework."

"I didn't say homework that's due, did I?"

"No?" Realization dawned on Christen's face and she scoffed. "You did not." She walked over to desk and pull up the first piece of paper she found, and sure enough, the top left corner was labeled **Mr.Treyger, Algebra 2 Honors** , their sophomore year math teacher. "I can't believe you kept all the homework you didn't do. That's some psychotic shit right there."

"Wow, thanks Chris."

"Am I wrong?"

"Well, no, but I'm not...I didn't-I just needed something to get my mind off stuff last night and I was going to be up anyway, so..."

"So you're doing assignments from years ago that you decided not to do then because you're bored?" Christen said. Her sentence was broken up with short pauses in between as her brain tried to comprehend Julie's logic.

"Yeah."

"And it never occurred to you to do this when your homework was actually do?"

"Well of course it did, but doing homework made me tired and I always felt like my brain was all foggy-and also like, I didn't want to," Julie laughed humorlessly. "But now I kinda want to be tired so I can go back to sleep and lay in bed without feeling like a potato."

Christen threw back the paper onto the messy pile. She looked at her phone for the time and frowned, then sat on the edge of the bed and laid down so her back was resting across Julie's legs. She noted the bags under her friend's eyes and how tired she looked, even if she hasn't really done anything these last few days.

"Some of us are going to go catch dinner at Arlo's tonight."

"I know, I saw the group chat."

"So are you going to come with?"

"Nope."

Christen sighed. "You have to have some sort of human interaction, JJ. You can't just hole up in here until school."

"I saw them at New Years."

"You saw them because I was hosting and they literally came up here and carried you out."

"But I still saw them, which I do believe exceeded my quota for winter break."

"What the fuck? No, you're coming to dinner."

"Chris, I don't want to."

"You need to get up and stretch."

"No."

"No to what?"

"Everything."

Christen closed her eyes and runned her temples in stress. "Fine," she said. Julie was surprised. She thought Christen would take a little more persistence to give in. "But you might want to brush your hair and take a shower if you haven't already."

"What? Christen, I'm not fucking going to dinner!"

"Okay!" she called behind her before she left the room. Julie squinted at the half, half expecting. Christen it to open again with new arguments, but no such interruption came. Julie shrugged and went back to brooding in her bed.

 

A half hour later, someone knocked at her door again. "Chris, I'm not going to dinner!" Julie yelled frustratedly.

"Well, that's disappointing."

Julie's head shot up to see Alex standing in her doorway. She crinkled her nose and sat up, trying to shake off her sluggish mentality. She decided long ago that she would always try her best to make Alex happy, in return for kicking the devil out of her hell for a while. "Al, what are you doing here?"

"Chris told me you're being a lump, so I came over. I am really disappointed you aren't coming to dinner though. I was looking forward to seeing my lovely asshole girlfriend for the first time since New Years," Alex said. Everyone told her to give Julie space after she woke up, which she agreed that Julie will probably need for a while, but now she's done waiting for her to get off her ass.

"Alex, I'm sorry, I've just been sort of busy being a depressed fuck," Julie muttered. In a motion that made her bones creak, she flipped herself around, sat up, and ran her fingers through her hair. She reached her arms out as in invitation for Alex to sit with her on the bed, which she gladly took. Julie wrapped her arms around her and took in the familiar scent of her shampoo, giving her a somewhat peaceful feeling.

"I just don't want you to get worse while you make your weird depression nest in here," Alex said. Julie snorted and kissed her neck. "You're not going to get better if you refuse to leave this room."

"Isn't there some sort of grace period for this?"

"You're grace period ended three years ago when you decided you needed help but didn't get any. Now you're in your two millionth minute of over-time and it's time to call it, but since I know you won't call it, I'm calling it for you."

"Thank you for using references I'll understand," Julie said dryly.

"You're welcome. Now let's go, you need fresh air," Alex said, getting up and gently tugging on her arm.

"Fresh air?"

"Yes. It can be anywhere you want, just outside this house." When Alex saw Julie still hesitating, she added, with a very puppy-doggish face, "Please?"

Julie groaned. "Fine." She pulled on an oversized sweatshirt and ambled down the hall, followed by a slightly giddy Alex. On the way out, she made eye contact with Christen, who emphatically, but silently, cheered.

"Where are we going?" Alex asked upon seeing that Julie was leading her to the back door instead of the front.

"My house. There's some stuff I wanna show you," Julie said ominously. Alex wanted to argue, to say that transporting to another house is not really fresh air, but decided to keep her mouth shut and just follow. It was slightly unpleasant though when Julie didn't stop to find shoes and just walked straight into the snow.

Julie stopped in front of the window to her bedroom and heaved it open with the crowbar. She climbed in(smacking her head on the frame, which didn't help her throbbing concussion) and offered a helping hand to Alex and she tried to fit through the window, not quite as experienced as Julie.

And here she was again, in this bizarre, but cozy bedroom. The last time she was here, it was rather dark and she had been here on a mission to find the suicide note, so hadn't had time to look closely at the room.

Julie sat on her couch, and watched Alex explore the clusterfuck she's built over the last four years. But something felt off.

"You've been in here before," she said, a little disappointed she missed her real first reaction.

Alex stopped flipping through Julie's sheet-music binder archives and blinked several times. "How'd you know?"

"I saw an extra notch in my window that I know wasn't there before. And I know you, and if this was really your first time here, you would be asking me what the fuck, and which drugs I was on while I was decorating it."

Alex chuckled. "Yeah, I guess I could've sold it more," she said. "Morgan and I came in here to look for your note."

"What? The paramedics didn't give it to you?" Julie said, scrunching her eyebrows up in confusion.

"No."

"Oh."

She thought for a couple more seconds, then shook off her inhibitions and joined Alex to look at her stuff. She seemed to be particularly enamored with her timeline wall. On the way, she plucked her butterfly knife from the corkboard and began twirling it around her hand and through her fingers so that that blade flipped out and back into the handle in a sharp rhythm. Alex looked down at her hand, eyes wide and a concerned crease on her forehead, unaccustomed to people using potential murder weapons as fidget toys. Julie shrugged. "Something I do when I'm jittery."

"Playing with knives is your coping mechanism?"

"Well it sounds bad when you put it like that."

Alex rolled her eyes. "You're an idiot, but you were a cute kid."

"I was a dirty kid," Julie corrected.

"You were a cute, dirty kid," Alex said. Julie smiled. She still disagreed, but if they kept it going the adjectectives would just build up to a ridiculous level, so instead she grabbed her hand and let herself be pulled along to talking about different pictures that piqued Alex's interest.

"What happened here?" she asked, pointing to a photo of Julie and Carli in a hospital. Julie's arm was wrapped up in a blue cast.

"Uh, I think that's when I tried to do a backflip off the swing set. You never really understand the extent of the human body until you've seen your arm bent at a ninety degree angle at places where they should never bend," Alex gave her a weird look. She shrugged. "I was kimd of an impulsive child. Carli picked me up from the hospital. Every time she had to do that, I could just tell she would get a little more frustrated, but she never said anything because she knew that I'd feel stupid after I'd get hurt like this." She grimaced. Alex squeezed her hand. "Let's move on," Julie whispered. Alex nodded.

"What about this one?" she asked, referring to a picture of Julie riding on Carli' shoulders, who was side by side with Hope. They wore soccer jerseys and their sagging posture suggested they were very tired, but still smiling.

"This was the year they won state- juniors, I think. Rough game, other team played pretty dirty."

"And you went with?"

"Of course. Stadium was half way across Arizona, you think she would have just left me there? I think she had to beg a little bit though."

Alex cocked her head to the side. "What was she like?"

Julie grinned. "She was smart, athletic, hardworking, honor student, drumline captain, varsity soccer captain, recognized at her high school graduation for outstanding achievements. She was a regular on youth national teams and I think she had two caps with the senior team," she listed fondly.

"Just like you."

Julie bit her lip to keep her from frowning. "Yeah, just like me," she shook her head and swallowed. "And she did it all while making sure I don't have severe abandonment issues and I didn't accidently kill myself. You would've liked her," she added, choking up. Alex squeezed her hand and pulled her away.

She pointed at a picture of Baby Adam, and relished in the few moments her girlfriend spent gushing about her new cousin. A welcome change.

Alex got to the end of the wall, but found one picture on the desk, not hanging up with the rest. "Is this him?"

"Yeah, that's David, and his wife and daughter," Julie scowled. Alex flipped over the picture, revealing a phone number and email address written on the back.

"Are you gonna contact him?"

"I don't know," Julie mumbled hesitantly.

"But he's your real dad. Aren't you just a little bit curious?"

"Steven is my real dad. He's the one I grew up with. David is just some poor fucker who drunkenly stuck his dick in Kristi and accidently made me. I think contacting him would just fuck up his life, you know? Better that I just stay away."

Alex bit her lip and nodded. She could feel the despondency radiating off her girlfriend, and decided not to press it anymore.

Julie sighed and placed the photo back down on her desk. "Come on, there's more stuff I wanna show you. Besides, I'm pretty sure there's still a bag of cocaine hidden around her somewhere, so we probably shouldn't stay for long."

"What?"

"Nothing."

Julie lead her out of the room and around the house to the stairs. Alex looked around at all the extra rooms and space she had never took notice of before, and couldn't even imagine living here practically alone. Just walking through it now with the somber mood they set before made her feel so alone.

Julie showed her to the top floor and walked down the hallway. Alex thought it felt empty up there too. They passed the room where Julie brought her when she was drunk, all the way down to the end to a door that's always closed. "Don't judge me because this is quite possibly the most unhealthy thing I've ever done and I know that. I was fourteen with a more than questionable mental state, so hear me out before you call be obsessive or crazy or whatever," Julie said just before she opened the door.

It was not what Alex was expecting. She thought it was going to be some destroyed room that Julie wrecked out of anger or littered with needles and meth. Instead it was a normal bedroom, one that she could easily see Tobin or Kelley living in. Cozy, covered in soccer balls and music stands with old sheet music resting them. Books lay neatly in shelves and old notebooks on the desk, and drumsticks literally everywhere. An electronic drumset with a pair of headphones plugged in sat in the corner.

"It was Carli's room," Julie said, sitting down at the desk and twirling a stick through her fingers.

"But it's here?"

"Yeah," Julie chuckled. "When we were moving, I thought that she deserved better than to have her stuff thrown out like nothing, so I decided to save some stuff. And then some stuff turned into a lot of stuff. And then I thought fuck it, why not all of it?" She pursed her lips. "I don't come in here often, just when I feel like when I want to talk without talking to someone, or when I descend into my Mariana Trench level depression-actually I guess I do come in here often," Julie chuckled emptily.

Alex cocked her head to the side. "What's it like? Depression, I mean," she asked softly. She herself had never experience it, not really. Sometimes school would get her stressed, but it's not the same.

Julie stopped spinning her stick and swallowed. "It's like...drowning. And I'm stuck under water, swimming up to the air, but sometimes I get pulled down. And sometimes, I get to breathe. But most of the time, I'm struggling against the current, and it's really hard to make headway.

"I don't wanna say sad because there are times when I don't feel sad. I just feel sort of...hollow. Like someone flipped the switch on the emotions sector of brain and now I'm just walking around like a zombie. But I think the worst part is feeling like I'm not really alive or human. Just sorta like...dead inside," Julie whispered. Her eyes were fixated and glazed over, and the way she bit her lip and paused frequently radiated pain in every word.

Alex felt like crying, but she swallowed the lump in her throat and hugged her from the back, and softly said, "You know you don't always have to be so stoic all the time. I won't think your weak or vulnerable because of it. In fact I think you're stronger."

She took her hand and gently took her to lay on the bed. No words, no heart-wrenching confessions, just feeling the presence of each other in their most difficult times.

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**Monday, January 7, 2018**

Julie was pulled out of music theory. It was the last class of the day, and she though that maybe she would make it through without incident, other than the mass of people running up and hugging her because they were worried she died.

A man in a black suit, a police officer(who Christen recognized as one of ones who came to her house to retrieve Julie the night Kristi called the cops), and a woman who looked sorry to be there showed up at the door, asking for her. Very clearly and in no uncertain terms, she said "Oh, fuck", and begrudgingly and went with them.

Twenty minutes later, Julie came running back in, grabbed her backpack, and precariously jumped on top of desks to evade the officer blocking her path. "Come on, dude. You know this isn't right," she had said to him.

"It's the law," he grunted.

"Who said the law is right?" she shot back. She faked left and went right, jumping on two desks to get around him and rounding at the door in a dead sprint.

Christen, Tobin, and Kelley were in that period with her and, like Julie, the only thing they had in their minds was "Oh fuck."

Without thinking, they darted from there desks and ran outside to see what was happening, but only caught her turning at the corner, much faster than the officer but they had a feeling he was holding back. Their heart rates began to accelerate as they pulled at their hair and a queesy feeling developed.

Not too long after the final bell rang and they piled into their cars to go search for her. Julie had a six minute mile time- it's not too much of a stretch to say she could have gotten pretty far in the last twenty five minutes.

Alex was confused when Kelley yanked her from the band room and out to her car. And then, when she heard the story, she groaned and rubbed her eyes. It hurt her, knowing that someone she loves so much and brought her so much joy is constantly in a state of turmoil and pain.

And then, she got a text from Morgan that said, very ominously- **She's** **on** **the** **roof.** **Pls** **go** **alone**

Of course she was. If she's being honest, this didn't even surprise her. So she asked Kelley to leave her at the house and told her to go check Arlo's because that was also fairly close to school.

She looked up. Alex saw nothing particularly jarring sticking out. But then, a rock fell. She didn't actually see it, but heard it strike the ground and bounce away in the backyard. She raised an eyebrow and moved to the back, but still saw nothing out of the ordinary. Then, another rock fell and she realized it wasn't a rock, but instead a large chunk of a roof tile.

Alex sighed, and went inside the house. Up the stairs and down the hall, she pulled on the string connected to the attic hatch and climbed up the ladder. She had a feeling Julie didn't want it to be down, so she pulled it back up when she was in the attic.

Julie never showed her up here, but it was pretty obvious why a chair was on a table right under the skylight.

She stood on the setup and slid open the skylight, after a short time of figuring out how to do it. Alex glanced down and the ground, some twenty, thirty feet down, swallowed, and hauled herself up and over. At first, she didn't see anything. Then, a familiar series of metalic clicks from the other side of the roof caught her attention and she unnervingly climbed over the crest of the roof and sat next to Julie.

She really had to hand it to her. This spot was perfect. Deep enough where she can sit without being seen from the yard below and low enough under the crest to not be visible over it. It was a great place to hide from people, if she wasn't throwing stuff off of it.

Julie frowned, did some flipped around her butterfly knife so that the blade was out, and stabbed it into a tile next to her so it stuck out vertically.

"You're not gonna jump right?"

"Not anymore," Julie grumbled, not even a hint of humor in her voice. "Get down, Alex, you're scared of heights."

"You know damn well I'm not gonna do that," Alex said. Julie made a face and rubbed her eyes, which were a raw shade of red. "So what's on your mind?"

"Really? You really wanna know?" Julie said tiredly. She clearly wasn't in the mood to look at another human being, let alone talk to one.

"Yes."

Julie smiled coldy and angrily hurled a piece of tile at the ground below. "Why didn't I close the blinds? I could've. I should've, but my dumbass was too goddamn busy thinking about the fucking snow outside."

"What? What are you talking about?"

"Christmas. Chris saw me because my blinds were open. I should've closed them, but my fucking ADHD bullshit brain can't even pay attention while I'm killing myself. Go figure."

Alex was horrified. "No, no, no, don't say that."

"Why not? It's true isn't it? If it wasn't for that I'd be dead. It was so perfect too. I was already sick so my immune system was weak, I had extra strength expired pills and a fair amount of alcohol to wash it down. Fuck, I even cracked my head on the floor for good measure. I should be dead."

Julie closed her eyes and Alex could see tears brimming beneath the lids and dripping from her lashes. For comfort and lack of response, she wrapped her arms around her girlfriend and felt how cold she was up here in the January weather.

"When you found my note, where was it?"

"On your desk."

"Was the notebook open or closed?"

"Closed," Alex said. She always though that part was odd.

"I left it open," Julie groaned. "Apparently, after Kristi was arrested, Officer Jackass was sent to search my room for evidence or whatever and he found it. I said some stuff in there that I guess implicates her to some stuff they want to charge her with, but they weren't going to use it because they had enough already. Then some evidence fell through and now they have to. But if they use it, they also have to charge Kristi and Steven for child abuse or something and I have to be sent to a foster home. I told them that they can subpoena me and everything and I'll talk in court, but there's no fucking way they're sending me away four months before my eighteenth birthday, and then they said they have to, so I ran."

"And what if they find you?"

"I don't know. Nobody on the internet knows what the protocol is for when the kid runs from CPS _before_ the foster home, so I guess we'll just have to find out when it happens," Julie sucked in a fast breath between her teeth and squeezed Alex's hand. "I just want a break, Alex. I-I'm so sick of all this shit happening one after the other, and I can't do it anymore. I can't."

"Yes, you can. I need you to. I need you with me," Alex said, her voice cracking.

"I know, I know, I know," Julie muttered. "But this is too much. This is fucking insane, and I don't know what I'm gonna do because I can't live with myself anymore without driving myself crazy.

"I thought I'd feel different after suicide. Like I'd have some new appreciation for life or something, but I don't. I still feel empty and like shit all the time."

"Maybe it's time for you to start talking to somebody. We gave you a week. We actually gave you more than a week, so..." Alex said.

"I know, I know, Mrs.Press already called some lady yesterday. It's just sorta weird for me because I can't imagine my life anymore without this constant feeling following me everywhere. Like it's always going to be hiding somewhere in my life."

"Well isn't it better if it's not?"

"Yeah, I guess so, but it's always been like this. Carli once told me I'm falling. Well, no, she said everyone is falling but all the other kids got parachutes and I just got my ass kicked out of the plane to freefall until I hit the ground and die. Carli wanted to find me a parachute, but I always told myself that I didn't want one. Needed one, maybe, but I didn't want one because then I'd have to admit that I don't even meet my own standards, let alone other people's. And then I met you."

"Aw, that's so sweet," Alex cooed. "Are you saying I'm your parachute?" she smiled. Her heart swelled, although the rest of her was freezing off at the joints.

"No, I'm saying you're like a bird I hit on the way down. You made this cute squack noise, hovered for a second, then continued on your way to wherever you were going. A brief meeting in the grand scheme of things yes, but you made the story a little more interesting."

"That's...a little less sweet," Alex chuckled. Julie snickered.

"Maybe, but when I hit you I stopped panicking about the fall and laughed. And now, I don't feel as scared about the fall, because now I know that even if I die horrifically as a blood stain on the pavement, at least the fall down can be fun."

"Okay, leaning towards sweet again," Alex leaned over and kissed her. Julie's lips were like ice. "You're freezing. Let's get down," Alex said softly, tugging her hand.

"Can't. Nobody's come to search the house yet, so I can't leave until I know I won't be found here."

Alex pouted, but she knew she wasn't going to leave without her. So instead, she scooted in closer and held each others hand for warmth.

A car down slammed and voices complained about the cold as they barged through the front door. Julie and Alex turned to each other and grinned. Their faces were so close Julie could see the sun's glint in Alex's contacts.

But for Alex, she saw Julie's wistful hope in her eyes that always seemed to light up whenever she looked at her. She saw the ridiculously impregnable resolve that managed to stick it out through a hailstorm of bullshit with a smugly "fuck you" smirk. And in that moment, she had discarded her own parachute and began the freefall with her, because she knew she didn't need it as long as they were together.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit its the last chapter. I feel like ive grown a bit from the first. Not nearly as good as some of you, but better than before. I had a time writing this. It distracted me from my own shit, but i dont know if ill be posting more. Thanks for reading, those of you who are out there. Leaving a comment on this to tell me what you think, constructive criticism and all would be cool just to see if there actually people out there.  
> Someone asked me a while back if i would write little extras about them, and if enough people ask me to i'll try.  
> Thanks again for reading.


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